>
Do you love His name?
“Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forever. From the rising of the sun to its setting the name of the Lord is to be praised” (Psalm 113:2–3).
>
Do you love His name?
“Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forever. From the rising of the sun to its setting the name of the Lord is to be praised” (Psalm 113:2–3).
When I was younger I used to be able to handle the “scary movie” or at least I thought I was handling them anyway. I remember one that I used to watch that was called Nightmare on Elm Street. These “nightmares” centered around blood and gore and other just really gross stuff. This was Hollywood’s idea of a nightmare.
As a grown woman and a mother of three I learned along time ago that real life was scary enough, I did not need Hollywood helping me out in the nightmare area. My own mind was sufficient enough to scare me to death. I certainly did not need to visit Freddie, Michael, Jason, or the Candyman to have the snot scared out of me. I also know there are demons, they are real, the Bible tells me that plainly. I don’t need Hollywood’s depiction of them, I’ll just take God’s word and I’ll learn from those who have been a part of casting them out, not glorifying them for money.
Last night I had one of my scariest nightmares, this is a repeated one, but it comes in different forms, but it’s the same theme. I am in a busy place with my girls, last night it reminded me of New Orleans, but it was a festival time, there were acrobats and those people that juggle while walking on really tall stilts, and people everywhere. I had both my girls and we were trying to find something or someone, I don’t remember, all I remember is looking down and Bekah was gone.
I then hit panic. I take a death grip on Shelby as I look frantically for Bekah, then I turn around and I now have my nieces and nephews and even some of the kids from our church with me. I want to run to find Bekah, but I can’t now because the rest of the children with me wouldn’t be able to keep up and I fear losing one of them. I finally begin to scream Bekah’s name and the place just seems to magnify in size and the crowd of people multiplies, my heart is pounding, and I can’t breathe, and at the same time I don’t want to scare or lose the other children.
Finally something in me begins to register and I think “Oh God let this be a dream, please let it be a dream!” I manage to wake myself up and look and my Bekah and my Shelby are safe in the bed asleep.
Deep sigh of relief…
Yes, I still had to look at them before my heart stopped pounding. Just waking and discovering I was in a dream was not enough. I wanted physical evidence that they were safe under my wing.
As a wife and mother, this is my nightmare.
I do not fear to the point of nightmares about my child being sick or hurt, I do not want them sick or hurt, but this does not cause me to wake up in a heart pounding cold sweat. However, losing my children, having someone steal my children, this is my nightmare. I can’t stand the thought of it. This indeed gives me nights filled with sheer terror.
>
>Oh me… it’s ball season again.
Two kids on two different teams… two new different schedules to add to an already crazy calendar.
This is life.
You know there are those days that flow wonderfully and I look back on those days and I think, if I could do this that day why can’t I manage it everyday?
I should have known today would be “one fine day” when the strange dog started barking right outside our front door before daylight, which started our inside dog barking before daylight, which woke up our 7 yr old before daylight.
I put the 7 year old back to bed, let the inside dog out to run off the strange outside dog then brought the inside dog back in and locked the doors and tried to be still for my quiet time with God before… well… my “quiet time before the house wakes up” just wasn’t going to happen on this fine day.
Monday is co-op day. Love, love it! But it also means having me and my girls dressed and ready and packed and loaded down with whatever we need for the day and out the door by hopefully 8am. This usually is not that big of an issue, but today we added basketball season to our calendar.
Of course, my girls have to go and grow on us so we needed basketball shoes… and we needed a cop costume, because my Bekah had decided she must be a cop.
So after co-op set-up, co-op classes, and co-op break-down, we head out for shoes and costumes, finishing in just enough time to get to the first ball practice that ended at 6pm, then literally run out when it’s over to get across town to another gym for the second ball practice that had started at 6pm.
Of course we get there and can’t find the team… and why not? Well because this one’s practice is tomorrow night… and now I clearly remember writing that on the calendar at home… oh well.
Did I mention the husband left to go out of town this morning for the week as well…
Oh and yeh… it’s hell week… again, ugh… so my temperament and patience… well lots of deep breaths today.
Yep, one fine day.
I think I might have managed to get through it without scarring my children too much with all the “pick a costume already!” and the “Look we’ll leave without one, I really am not all that excited about spending money on a costume you are going to wear maybe one time anyway, it’ll suit me just fine to walk out with nadda.”
I mean good grief have you seen these costumes??? Fish-net stocking fire women for an 8-10 yr old little girl??? Really? And the nurse? My goodness, I looked at my Shelby and said, “You can be a real fireman, but sorry not a fish-net stocking one and ummm as for the nurse, does Aunt Tracy wear that to work? Yeh, I didn’t think so.”
So we left with one cop and one dragon slaying dazzling ninja.
Made it to one ball practice.
Made it late to the other, to find out we didn’t have it all.
Then as I am still contemplating on whether to pout about my time mismanagement skills or just be glad I am going to get home an hour and half earlier than I expected, we had a momma deer and her spotted fawn step out of the woods into the road and stop right in front of our car. I had to come to a complete stop and my girls and I just watched this doe and her fawn and we all just giggled and smiled all the rest of the way home.
Yep, one fine day 🙂
>
>Okay we are going back to the journal, today we are visiting April 17th, 2003. I am just going to share an excerpt here because this entry was a doozy!
Father,
I need You so much right now. I feel like I am under attack from every angle. Since I committed to Save-A-Life it seems like everyone is out for me. You know the situation with *****. I just want to say How Dare You, Do You Have A Clue What I’ve Gone Through Just To Be Here At All? but I know that is my flesh and I need to ignore it, but that doesn’t make it any easier…
I love You Lord and I trust in You.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
Whew, in this entry I was one hurting young lady. I remember the tears that flowed as I penned this prayer to my God. As I said, this was just the beginning, a small excerpt, of the hurts that I poured out that day in the pages of my journal.
One of these great hurts was coming from someone in my church. I had just been reprimanded for being late and due to this day I quit teaching the class that I was over. I was devastated and humiliated. Of course what the one who did the reprimanding saw was just me coming in late. What they didn’t see was the fact that I was a young mother who had a baby that had not slept more than 45 minutes at a time since birth and I had a husband who worked night shift and did not attend church regularly with me at that time. I also worked outside the home part-time.
I was worn out and doing the best I could. I had a desire to serve and to teach and to be an active serving part of the church and at this moment I could have said fine see if I’ll be back ever. But that was not the call I made.
I chose grace.
I was hurt, but I chose forgiveness.
And the thing is the one who made this reprimand is to this day one of the dearest people I have ever known and I love them greatly still.
They were not evil. They were not out to get me. The enemy attempted to set up destruction, but he failed, and the love of God prevailed. I still continued in my church and continued teaching my other class.
Had I walked away from God and His church at this time in 2003… oh my the blessings I would have missed! The friendships I would have never gained, the eternal lives I would have never been a part of, the opportunities to love, laugh, cry, encourage, serve, grow… all missed if I had of chosen to hold this hurt in bitterness and throw my hands in the air and turn my back to the church.
I wish I could say this was the last hurt I ever experienced in the church, but it’s not. I’ve lost count of the times I have been on my face before God in tears over the hurt delivered to me through someone in the church, in my church, the one I am still a member in. We just don’t leave because of hurt feelings, because this is where God has planted me and my family. Feelings lie. Feelings don’t see the whole picture. They are selfish and nearsighted and prone to exaggerate and manipulate.
Jesus does not forsake me because I have hurt His feelings… so I shall not forsake Him because someone in His body hurt mine. His body is immature and in a growth process. It’s not attained perfection yet, it’s not complete yet, there is still lots of growing up to do in the church and if the parts of the body keep forsaking the body then how on earth is it ever to grow up?
>
>
>This post is going back to the journal. Today we are traveling back in time to April 17, 2003…
Father,
Thank You for Your faithfulness. I love You Lord and I love my husband. Thank You for the assurance that me and Patrick were meant to be together. Thank You Father for humbling me and opening my eyes to the fact that I was neglecting my family in Your name. In trying to grow closer to You and being a light to the world, I was starting to keep my family, especially Patrick, in the dark. And my family is where Your light in me should shine the brightest. Thank You Father for Your discipline. I love You Lord.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
Oh how I wish I could say that on April 17th, 2003 I conquered this struggle, but I can’t. It is a constant battle for me. Just this week we attended our Shelby’s basketball team meeting and the coach asked for volunteers to help assistants coach and keep book, automatically my hand is compelled to go up and I look at my husband and I know that even though I was an all-county player, even though I love coaching, even though I hate sitting on the sidelines for anything, even though I want to make the memories with my girls as “coach” I physically just cannot do this and most importantly God did not call me to do it.
As soon as we got in the truck to leave my girls were going but “Momma why didn’t you coach?” And my husband looks at me and says something like, “I saw you, I saw that hand trying to go up at the word “volunteer”, somebody says something about volunteering and automatically you think you have to be the one to do it.”
It’s the truth. I am a hands on person. I never liked sitting the bench. I never want to just sit on the sidelines. I want to get my hands dirty. I want to be involved. I jump in either headfirst or with both feet, rarely do I cautiously test the waters with a little toe or contemplate the pros and cons. All I can see around me are the things that need done and the things I could help with and sometimes I forget to check with God and my husband first before I say “YES!”
I used to honestly believe that if an opportunity presented itself it was because God had sent it and I was just to accept it and rejoice. I just wanted to serve Him and be used by Him to do anything! I never wanted to say no to God ever again and I did not ever want to live for myself again, only Him, to do His will, not mine.
I have come to realize that I am addicted to the validation that comes from serving. As a stay-at-home mom and housewife I do not receive awards or promotions. Rarely does anyone walk by and peek in and say,
“Mrs Vaughn, you did a wonderful job folding that laundry and getting that bathroom scrubbed to perfection. I think we will give you a raise”
or
“Mrs Vaughn, you handled yourself so well today as you managed to balance that budget and meet all our monthly commitments and still manage to pull in a profit to stick in the savings for future investments, how about a promotion and a raise!”
or
“Mrs Vaughn I understand that you’ve been on call 24/7 for the last 7 days as you nursed this child through this illness I think it’s time for some paid vacation”
And I suppose my worst frustration is the fact that the job is never really accomplished. The dishes will never all be done, the laundry will never all be clean, the bills will never all be paid… the sense of accomplishment comes in spurts and never lasts long because it’s not like you ever get to close the book on a task and stamp it with done. You are continuously cleaning up the same messes. And it seems no one appreciates the mess you clean up because within an hour all your hard-work is destroyed as though you never even did it.
But the truth is, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Not the frustrations, not the lack of awards and recognition, not the lack of a paycheck, because I do what I do because I love my God and I love my family. One mother’s day card, one hug, one thank you, one I love… makes it all worth it.
So as for the volunteering. I am going to serve. I have been called to serve. I am a missionary for Christ. I love ministry. I love helping others. I am called to ministry just as every believer is called to ministry. But I have learned that I cannot be all things to all people all the time. I cannot be a part of everything, no matter how much my heart longs to just get involved. It took me a while to understand the difference between serving God and doing church. Church is not something I do, it is who I am. If my marriage and children are missing the best of me under the guise of serving God, then something is off. I am overextended and am doing something that God did not call me to do.
Please know that I am far from victorious in this area of my life. I can even justify myself in my addiction by blaming my husband for not being understanding or too demanding or blaming my children for not respecting “my time”, yet this is what an addict does isn’t it?
Signs of volunteer addiction (adapted from signs of drug addiction)
1. Usage Increase – Over time, it is common for individuals addicted to volunteering to grow tolerant to the effects of normal volunteering. If someone you know seems to be increasing his/her volunteer time past the normal healthy allotted time within a 24 hr period, this is an indication that the are suffering from volunteer addiction
2. Change in Personality – Changes in a person’s normal behavior can be a sign of dependency. Shifts in energy, mood, and concentration may occur as every day responsibilities become secondary to the need for the validation that comes with volunteering.
3. Social Withdrawal – A person experiencing a dependency problem may withdraw from family, friends and choose the volunteer opportunity over quality time with spouse and children.
4. Ongoing Use – Continued usage after a volunteer opportunity has been accomplished will result in the person needing extensions on his/her time of service. The person might talk of how they are “still feeling needed” and need just a little longer on the task in order to get it done right. He or she might also complain frequently about those who refused to encourage and support them in their volunteering for one reason or another.
5. Time Spent on Volunteering – A dependant person will spend large amounts of time driving great distances and visiting multiple places just to volunteer. Watch for signs that he or she seems preoccupied with a quest for volunteer opportunities, demonstrating that the desire to volunteer has become their top priority.
6. Change in Daily Habits and Appearance – Personal hygiene may diminish as a result of a volunteer addiction. Sleeping and eating habits change, and a person may have a constant twitches and red, glazed eyes.
7. Neglects Responsibilities – A volunteer addict may neglect household chores and bills.
8. Increased Sensitivity – Normal sights, sounds and emotions might become overly stimulating to the person, they will become easily irritated and frustrated.
9. Blackouts and Forgetfulness – Another clear indication of volunteer addiction is when the person regularly forgets events that have taken place and appears to be suffering blackouts.
10. Defensiveness – When attempting to hide a volunteer addiction, abusers can become very defensive if they feel their secret is being discovered. They might even react to simple requests or questions by lashing out.
So
Hello, my name is Nicole. I am a Christian, a housewife, and a homeschool mom, and I am a volunteer addict. So below I have taken the 12 step program and adapted it for my addiction. May it be of help to fellow volunteer addicts.
THE TWELVE STEPS OF VOLUNTEERS ANONYMOUS
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and sought to discover our own Spirit willed and God desired spiritual gift and limit our area of ministry to the one in which the Lord called and equipped us.
I want to share an excerpt from The Pursuit of God by AW Tozer:
Sometimes the best way to see a thing is to look at its opposite. Eli and his sons are placed in the priesthood with the stipulation that they honor God in their lives and ministrations. This they fail to do, and God sends Samuel to announce the consequences. Unknown to Eli this law of reciprocal honor has been all the while secretly working, and now the time has come for judgment to fall. Hophni and Phineas , the degenerate priest, fall in battle; the wife of Hophni dies in childbirth; Israel flees before her enemies; the ark of God is captured by the Philistines, and the old man Eli falls backward and dies of a broken neck. This stark, utter tragedy followed upon Eli’s failure to honor God.
Now over against this set almost any Biblical character who honestly tried to glorify God in his earthly walk. See how God winked at weakness and overlooked failures as He poured upon His servants grace and blessings untold. Let it be Abraham, Jacob, David, Daniel, Elijah or whom you will; honor followed honor as harvest followed seed. The man of God set his heart to exalt God above all; God accepted his intention as fact and acted accordingly. Not perfection, but holy intention made the difference.
Have you ever wondered how God could possibly still accept you and love you and keep you when you seem to constantly fail Him?
I know I have.
I look back and see how far God has brought me and I think, well you know what I’m doing all right.
Then I stand in my present, and I see how I fail miserably, and I think, I am getting nowhere, why does God even bother to put up with me.
It is these moments, these thoughts, that bring me to praise God even more because He did not hide or cover up the failures of His followers.
David was a man after God’s own heart not because he was perfect, but because he truly desired to honor God. David failed miserably. David suffered greatly for his failures, but God never forsook him, because God knew David’s heart was set to exalt Him. David’s failures never came from him trying to set himself up as his own God, they never came from a heart that purposely disregarded the honor due his Creator. His failures came from the result of his sin diseased flesh and when his failures and sin were addressed he dealt with them according to the ways of God. He accepted his consequences and sought God’s forgiveness and he moved forward in grace.
When we try to honestly glorify God in our earthly walk the way those recorded in Scripture did, then God will honor us just as He honored them. He will look over failures and wink at our weaknesses because He knows that as we seek to glorify Him and continue to grow in Him, He will be the strength in our weaknesses and He will give us success in spite of our failures. He simply says– come and follow Me, don’t run from Me in your failures and don’t try to hide your weaknesses, come to my throne of grace and I will be your help…