Yesterday we buried my Daddy-in-Love and today is my Daddy’s birthday. How crazy is it that I would I meet this man and fall head over heels in love with him to find our families have been and would always be so deeply intertwined?

After we were married and I was in our first home combining the his and hers, my Grandmother came over to see our new home. As she walked down the hall and saw the pictures she looked up and said, “Is that Fred and Janie?” Some of you have already heard this story, but I still love to tell it.

Come to find out, my husband’s father’s family and my mother’s family grew up together. My great grandfather and my husband’s grandfather were best friends and fishing buddies. My grandmother knew them all and knew them well.

Then our first married Christmas I am putting ornaments on my tree and my mother walks over to see and notices these homemade angels hanging on my tree. She asks about them, because she has the same ornament hanging on her tree that was a gift from an elderly woman that was a resident of the nursing home she worked at. That woman ended up being my husband’s grandmother on his mother’s side.

See… intertwined.

In 2012 my husband’s sister was diagnosed with liver cancer that had metastasized from her colon… as she bravely and beautiful fought this ugly disease we learned in April 2014 that my husband’s stepdad had bladder cancer and then in May 2014 that my Daddy had lung cancer. You just had to laugh on the days that we all found ourselves in the oncologists office on the same day. My husband’s sister would laugh and ask the front desk if they had a family plan.

Intertwined…

It was April 27th 2015 when we learned that their was nothing more the doctors could do for my husband’s sister and April 30th 2015 when we received the same news on my Daddy. My Daddy went home to be with the Lord on May 2nd and Phillis met him there on May 21st.

Intertwined…

Then on December 26th my Daddy-in-Love joined them in heaven. I have no doubt, absolutely NO Doubt that my Daddy and Phillis were the first to greet him and take him to see Jesus face to face. I know the prayers these two offered up on his behalf that he would be ready when he drew his last breathe. I can’t imagine the joy of the moment and the joy on their faces when hearing the news from our Lord as He said, “Guess whose coming home!”

As I stated at the beginning of this post, yesterday December 29th we laid to rest my Daddy-in-Love and today I awake to my Daddy’s first birthday in eternity. He would have been 61 years old today.

See… intertwined.

I feared the coming of this day. I did not know how I would take it. The Lord has been faithful to meet me in my pits of hurt and doubt and as I have asked Him over and over again the why of all this… He spoke too me in His Word and He confirmed it through a song.

There is a song that our church has sang through this Christmas season that sings, “welcome to our world“. I think here in this modern day western churchianity we have somehow convinced ourselves that becoming a Christian means that Jesus is going to come down here and fix everything in our own little world with a simple “I declare it in the name of Jesus!” We might understand that the whole world is going to go through troubles, but we expect God to make our own little world perfect… that is, perfect in our eyes. That’s not why Jesus came.

He did not come to make our world problem free, He came to help us through this problem filled world until it was time to bring us into His eternally perfect world. As the song sang… welcome to our world. This fallen, broken, dying world that He could have turned His back, but He instead entered into it to save us and bring us to the safety of Himself.

I imagine it more like being trapped in a wooded forest filled with sinkholes, beast, flash floods, etc… kind of like the arena of the Hunger Games. Stuck in this arena of sin we can’t see our way out or through and there’s no hover craft able to drop a basket in and lift us out. The only hope would be for a guide to enter into the arena with us. A guide that knows all the traps and has the knowledge and ability to get us through and out. Jesus is that guide. He entered into the arena. He could have sat back and watched it all from the safety of His capital throne, but He didn’t. He entered in to see that we win the game.

In mine and my husband’s intertwined life, when we said “I do”, we thought the intertwining would begin there at the altar in the covenant of marriage… but the Grand Weaver had us in the works knitting our families together in Him, to Him, and for Him long before either one of us was even thought of in this world. He’s a good, good, God.

I don’t know where we go from here, everything in life has changed these past couple of years… but God has not. He is the same today, yesterday, and forever. He knows the beginning and the end. So we will just keep following Him. He is the only one who knows where we are going and how to get us there anyway.

This month I entered into my 39th year. I felt the Lord impress upon me to turn to Psalm 39 and so I did… and as I read He spoke the hard truth to my heart.

The 39th Psalm begins with David sharing how he stayed silent. He stayed silent and guarded his mouth with a muzzle while the wicked were in his presence. Perhaps he stayed silent as to not say something cruel. Perhaps he stayed silent so as not to offend. Perhaps he stayed silent in order to protect himself. Perhaps he stayed silent in order to not reveal his position. It doesn’t really matter the why of the silence, because the result of the silence was felt regardless of the reason for it.

He shares that in his choice of silence while in the presence of the wicked, he EVEN refrained from good. 

His sorrow grew worse.

His heart was hot.

His musing burned within him.

I have a tendency to be hurt and just tuck it in and walk away. Then the hurt just turns in me, over and over and over, as if on instant replay. I read Psalm 39:3 and I get the picture of someone using friction to start a fire. The musing is like rubbing the two sticks together and the more you rub them the breakdown of the wood creates the smolder and the smolder the fire.

When we try to suppress our hurt or when we wrestle with the realities of evil and pain in this life, regardless of their source, apart from God we create this friction, this burning, and if we refuse to bring it to the throne of God and wrestle it out WITH Him, it will indeed destroy us.

I understand where David was at… in his attempt to not screw up around the wicked, he stopped doing anything. He just quit. Have you been there beloved? Have you been trying to serve God with a full and obedient heart and have found yourself being attacked on every side from those you never expected it to come, in a way that you never expected to be? Blindsided by those you never before would have labeled “wicked”? Wounded, have you found that you now just refrain even from doing good?

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.

Galatians 6:9

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But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary of doing good.

2 Thessalonians 3:13

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And do not neglect doing good and sharing, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

Hebrews 13:16

In Psalm 39:4 I can see David in his hurt and in his inner churning and heart burning throwing his hands up to God and crying out… basically saying, “What is the point!?!?“

I know that cry… I have made it myself.

I have learned truly how short life is and how we are indeed a mere breath. We have a very short time on this earth. Even if we live to see a hundred plus… to those who are separated from us that time is simply not enough. We desire more. We desire eternity. Indeed, even a hundred years is as a mere breathe. 

I watch our American world today and listen to the things that we are in such an uproar over and stressed out concerning and I agree with the words of David in Psalm 39:6…

Surely every man walks about as a phantom;
Surely they make an uproar for nothing;
He amasses riches and does not know who will gather them.

There is only one thing that matters… Is my heart in the hands of God? Is my soul alive with the Spirit of God?  Do I possess Christ? Am I sojourner with the LORD? Really… does Christ possess me?

When I am at my wits end, when I have stepped into a pit of hurt and confusion and darkness and I no longer know up from down and have even found myself questioning the goodness of the God I cry out to and trust in… when I remember that my heart is His and that all souls that are in His Son are safe in His hands… I find myself on my knees remembering my hope alone is in Him.

I know He alone holds the answers. I know He alone is sovereign. I know that good or bad, joyful or painful, He for some reason has allowed it. I know that anything not in Him will be consumed as a moth. This includes this earthly body.

Which included my Daddy, and my Phillis, and now my Daddy-in Law who is preparing to enter into eternity. Which includes myself, my children, my friends, my co-workers, my schoolmates, strangers that I pass on the street… our bodies will perish, but there is one thing that is eternal in this life and that is our souls.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Christ came to save souls. Christ saved my soul, in order to use my soul, my mind, my might, my strength, my body to serve Him to save other souls.

People are what matter.

God loves people.

God sent His Son to save people.

I have learned that when I find myself hurt and churning here in this life, it’s because I have made something consumable more precious than what is not consumable… which is an eternal soul.

Now I say this, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:50-57

And then there is the grand conclusion…

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.

1 Corinthians 15:58

Oh beloved of God… NEVER allow any hurt by what is perishable and consumable to keep you from doing good and investing in what is not perishable or consumable… which is the human soul.

Your toil is not in vain when it is in the LORD… for nothing IN HIM will be destroyed.

Tonight at my parents home my mother brought up the question… a question every one who professes to be a believer should ask, “when was the last time I shared the gospel to someone or led someone to Christ?”

Not invited to church… but shared the gospel and led to Christ. Is my life a pathway to the Lord for those watching it being lived out? Am I a light in the darkness?

(This post was updated on December 25th, 2015 at 11:30pm)

When you step into a journey of the unknown I have learned it is very easy to lose your way. As I pondered how to describe this step I thought of an experience I had back in October. Our girls are in theatre. I usually always help backstage in some way. In theatre the lights go out because the scenes must be changed in the dark.

On one particular show day I had to leave in between shows for a doctor’s appointment. I stepped back into the backstage area at the exact moment that the grand was being pulled open for the first scene. When I rushed on stage to do the scene change my eyes had not yet adjusted to my new environment. I was blind and useless. I had to stop where I was and not move and close my eyes and allow my self time to adjust in order to find my way again. It took until the next scene change before my eyes were ready because I had stepped backstage from a beautiful sun shining day.

Sometimes this journey of life is like my theatre experience above. Sometimes God throws us into a new environment within a familiar environment and we can find ourselves in a panic in our new unknown. Everything comes to a standstill in our spirit and we feel paralyzed and blind. In that moment it is easy for fear to grip our hearts.

I have also learned that the adjustment from seeing in the light to seeing in the darkness takes much longer the brighter the previous light, and it’s definitely  much harder to go from light to darkness than it is from darkness to light.

I know that in this new environment of ours, an environment absent of those who have NEVER been absent from our life, has placed us on a journey we never thought we would be on. We have gone from being in their light to a darkness that we have never experienced before. The Spirit has reminded me of John 5:35-36 and how the disciples of John must have felt when he was taken away from them.

Everything we thought would be, no longer will be, and although we are walking in familiar territory, darkness has fallen on the land, because the familiar is now no longer familiar. It has changed. The future plans dreamed and prepared for are gone.

It is here where vision can be lost.

I know I lost sight of mine. I really just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and throw in the towel. In one moment everything that you thought was, now isn’t; and everything, every, thing, is now unfamiliar territory, even the mundane simple routine things of life.

In the book of Mark there is an interaction between Jesus and a blind beggar named Bartimaeus. In Mark 10:46-52 this man heard the voice of Jesus and began crying out to Him. Jesus stopped and told His disciples to call him to come to Him. Bartimaeus threw aside his cloak and jumped up and came to Jesus. When Jesus asked him what he wanted from Him, Bartimaeus said, “Rabboni, I want to regain my sight!”

The fact that he said he wanted to regain his sight implies that at one time he could see. He too was in familiar territory that now was made unfamiliar by the presence of darkness that his eyes (physical and spiritual) just simply could not adjust to. As I read this, and listened to Phil Waldrep teach on this passage of Scripture last month, in the margin of my Bible I wrote, “I need to regain my sight”

I realized that not only was I grieving, but I had entered a journey into the unknown with my once known gone. I was in new territory. I had just had the lights turned out on me and I was on a familiar stage in the midst of a scene change but I was blind and useless. I was trying to go throw the routine motions because in my head I knew where everything was supposed to go and be, but really I was a mess, and was going to make a mess if I did not stop and stand still and give my eyes time to adjust.

I asked God to help me see. I have been asking God to help me see. However, just like that day in the theatre He has been slow in this eye adjustment, but He is indeed restoring my sight.

For one He has reminded me that people are always watching us even when we have no clue that they are. He has also reminded us that He is good, through simple laugh out loud ways, He has reminded us that He loves us and is on His throne.

In November, my husband and I snuck away to the beach alone. While there, in the stillness, separated from the regular routine of life we were able to reconnect with our God and with one another. I have been stuck on my Exodus Part Two book since my Daddy took a turn for the worse in January and while at the beach God gave me two devotions for this book. This renewed my spirit to finish it, not just Exodus, but the entire series.

Also one night while waiting to eat, my husband and I were sitting out on the deck of a restaurant holding hands just talking, and this group of older men turned the corner and one of them said, “Well aren’t you two just the cutest couple we have seen here all week.”

Then, while at the beach, my husband won tickets to our home state ultimate college football rivalry game, The Iron Bowl. We were home from the beach for a week, then we had Thanksgiving, which was so VERY HARD for us and then the next day we left for Auburn.

We parked and walked almost two miles to the stadium, While walking to the game we stopped at the infamous Tiger Walk to see the players and while standing there we had a couple come up and say, “We have been behind y’all watching y’all walk for a while and we  just wanted you tell you that you two are the cutest things!”

Then a friend had gifted us with some Titan tickets several months ago, which just happened to be for the game following the Iron Bowl. It just happened to be pouring down rain for this game, and my body and cold and rain simply do not get alone. We also had another mile walk to the stadium. On the walk my shoe came untied and my husband bent over and tied it for me. We walked a little further and lo and behold the OTHER shoe came untied and once again he bent over to tie my shoe. While he was tying my shoe this lady comes up and pats us on the back and says, “Now that’s true love right there!”

Then we got to the stadium and as we were walking to our seats, which would have had us sitting in the rain, this man stopped us. He asked us where we were sitting and then asked if we wanted to stay dry? He had two extra club seating tickets that he wanted to give us as a gift. We were hesitate at first to accept them, thinking this had to be a racket, but it wasn’t. It was simply a kind gesture. We walked into a carpeted area with leather seats and big screen tv’s and indoor concessions. It was nice and it was dry.

What did all these comments and experiences mean and how did God use them to restore my vision?

One He reminded me that He was with us. He had not forgotten us. He had not forsaken me and the visions that I felt so certain that He had given me for my life in service to Him. He reminded me that me and my husband have always been a great team and somehow people see something in us that we don’t so easily see in ourselves.

Two He reminded me that people are watching us. He reminded me that sometimes our greatest ministry as Christians is to those that we don’t even know are paying any attention to us. It’s those that are watching us interact with our spouses and with our kids. It’s those that are seeing how we handle and walk through the every day things of life.

So as I step deeper still into this journey of the unknown I am thankful that I have a very Known God to lead me through it. I am thankful that darkness and light are the same to Him. I am thankful that He is the One that holds us together when we feel like falling apart.