Ladies, I do hope that you are pressing on through this challenge…
We are a little less than two weeks in… and for anyone reading this for the first time… feel free to join this challenge at any point. Or to go back to the beginning and begin it from Day One.

We have covered a lot of ground thus far in this Thirty-three day challenge, so today I want us to spend some time just soaking the stuff in…

Today let’s remember why we are doing this…

We are doing this to open our eyes to lies and deception of the enemy that are so very prevalent in our society. We are doing this so that our hearts and minds might be cleansed and that we may draw ever so close to our Christ. We are the church, His bride, and we are to be making ourselves ready for the Big Day.

We began our challenge with a trash fast.
We are to be abstaining from media fed lies and disillusions that make us feel bad about ourselves as women or our husbands as husbands. We are fasting from movies, magazines, books, music, and tv shows that misrepresent women and try to tell you who you should be and how you should be apart from the Word of God. We are spending this challenge digging into God’s Word and learning who HE said we should be and how HE said we should be. Before, or as, we watch, read, or listen…

Ask yourself:

We are challenging ourselves to remember that we are fearfully and wonderful made… Psalm 139  

If we want to read a love story we are to be picking up the Song of Solomon and reading this beautiful book of love and romance…  I hope by the time you finish this challenge you will be able to sit down with your children or the young people in your life and use the Word of God to talk to the about love and marriage… and waiting… and guarding their hearts.

The good man out of the good treasure of his heart

brings forth what is good;

and the evil man out of the evil treasure

brings forth what is evil;

for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

Luke 6:45

We have talked about learning to make decisions and choices out of love not law by learning how to ask questions of integrity instead of questions of compromise…

Questions of Compromise vs Questions of Integrity
Are my actions lawful?
Are my actions loving to others?
Will anyone find out?
Is this something I’d be proud of?
Would anyone condemn me?
Is this my highest standard?
Is this socially acceptable?
Is this in line with my convictions?
Are my clothes too revealing?
Am I dressing for attention?
How can I get away with saying this?
Would this be better left unsaid?
Will this hurt anyone?
Will this benefit others?

We have discussed how our bodies belong to our husbands… visually. And we have discussed how our minds belong to our husbands… emotionally. We have learned that as women… our adultery begins with emotional attachment… not sexual arousal.

We have been challenged to be committed to not compare our husbands to other men and to not compare ourselves to other women…

For we are not bold to class or compare ourselves

with some of those who commend themselves;

 but when they measure themselves by themselves

and compare themselves with themselves,

they are without understanding.

2 Corinthians 10:12

We also are to be searching out hearts for motives… as we dress… as we walk… as we speak… as we work… as we worship.

Are we doing what we do out of a desire to have power.

“Most of my single days are a tragic testimony of a young woman striving to gain some sense of power through inappropriate relationships with men. Rather than use what beauty God had given me to bring glory to Him. I used it as bait to lure men into feeding my ego. Rather than inspiring men to worship God. I subconsciously wanted them to worship me, and if I was successful in hooking a man with my charms, I secretly felt powerful.”  ~ Shannon Ethridge

And we have the list challenge.

“I was seeking to understand why I still felt tempted outside of my marriage, so my therapist asked me to spend a week making a list of every man I had ever been with sexually or had pursued emotionally. I was shocked and saddened to see how long my list had grown through the years. 
At the next visit, she asked me to spend a week praying and asking myself, “What do each of these men have in common?”

“As I searched my soul to discern why such a common thread existed in my relational pursuits, the root of the issue became evident: my hunger for power over a man.”
~ Shannon Ethridge  

And the last  few days we have been learning and reminding ourselves that we are accepted in Christ, we are secure in Christ, and we are significant in Christ.  

Yes, we have covered a lot of ground… I pray that it has been a time of cleansing, repentance, revival, and renewal. I pray that you continue on in this challenge with me… there is so much more to learn 🙂   

Day Thirteen

Today is Wednesday, another day that has been set aside for believers in Christ to gather together in order to praise and worship our Lord and Savior and fellowship together.

Today your challenge is to remember that we need each other. I know many churches no longer meet on Wed night, but if yours does and you usually don’t attend, if you are able, attend today. If your church doesn’t meet on Wed nights, maybe send a text out to several ladies from your church and invite them over for fellowship and a devotional on what you have been learning.

Today, precious one, spend today praising your God and worshiping Him in spirit and in truth.

If you have a job or an illness that keeps you from attending today… don’t be frustrated by this challenge… are there others around you in the same boat? If so get in the boat together and have church at work, in the hospital, in the home, start an online women’s group Bible study… but if you have a choice and are able, then gather in the house of the Lord with the assembly.

Today worship Him… remember all that He has done… and bless His holy name.

Sadly, most believers do not understand who they really are, who God made them to be, the authority He intended them to possess, or how Christ can meet their innermost desires for acceptance, security, and significance.
~ Shannon Ethridge

The last couple of days we have been studying up on how we are accepted in Christ and how we are secure in Christ and today we will be looking at how we are significant in Christ.

First of all…what is significance?

The word significant means to have meaning, to be important, to have influence or effect. There is a song that I absolutely love and one of the lyrics is “When I don’t measure up to much in this life, I’m a treasure in the eyes of Christ…”  

Day Twelve

Today I want you to take this list and print is off and keep it with you so that you might be reminded that you are important, your life has meaning, you can be used by God to have an influence and an effect on those who God allows to cross your path…

Don’t spend another day, another moment, listening to the lies like,

“Well what does it matter anyway?”

“No one would miss me anyway?”

“My life is useless”

“I don’t matter to anyone”

“I am not making a difference to anyone”

“What’s the point, it’s not like anyone will notice?”

“Nobody care’s anyway?”

These are lies! 
Big fat lies.
Whispered to you by the father of lies.

 He was a murderer from the beginning,

and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him.

Whenever he speaks a lie,

he speaks from his own nature,

for he is a liar and the father of lies.

John 8:44

Now the verse following this verse is very powerful. Jesus is speaking to the “church folk” when He shares this verse. He’s speaking to the one’s that have not only been reading His Word, the Scriptures, but also teaching them, and holding others to them… yet He lets them know here… that they do not believe what they teach or what they read and study. They do not believe Him.

But because I speak the truth,

you do not believe Me.

John 8:45

Below is a list of truth from the lips of Christ, the Word of God made flesh, the Scriptures.

Here it is in black and white, recorded in writing, and passed on for thousands of years, the question precious one, is who are you going to believe?

The father of lies or the Lover of your soul?

Watch yourself, because your life is going to reflect who you believe.

I AM SIGNIFICANT IN CHRIST

I am the salt and light of the earth
You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden
Matthew 5:13-14

I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of his life
I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit
You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you
John 15:16

I am a personal witness of Christ
but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and even to the remotest part of the earth
Acts 1:8

I am God’s temple
Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?
1 Corinthians 3:16

I am a minister of reconciliation
Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
2 Corinthians 5:20

I am God’s coworker
And working together with Him, we also urge you not to receive the grace of God in vain—
2 Corinthians 6:1

I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms
and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
Ephesians 2:6

I am God’s workmanship
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10

I may approach God with freedom and confidence
in whom we have boldness and confident access through faith in Him
Ephesians 3:12

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13

*************************************************************

If you are a new creation in Christ… then you are accepted, you are secure, and you are significant. You are forgiven. You are not defined by your past, you are not trapped by your present, and you need have no reason to have fear concerning your future… You are safe in His very capable hands. Just trust His truth. Just believe Him. You are His treasure.

I hate insecurity.
I have seen it bring out the very worst in me and in others.
It is crazy how we can be insecure about how we feel about ourselves or the way someone else feels about us and that insecurity will cause us to lash-out instead of love-out.

Instead of showing an abundance of love to the ones we are insecure toward we put up a wall of defense and go into attack mode. Fight or flight kicks in every time.

Insecurity.
It’s rooted in fear.
It takes perfect love to cast out fear (1 John 4:18).
I don’t know about you but I don’t have perfect love on my own. There is nothing perfect in or about me…  That is at least until the day that perfect love accepted me and came to dwell in me and with me.

When I accept that Christ has accepted me and given me His perfect love… then His perfect love for me can cast out fear. As His perfect love cast out fear in me and as I learn to trust His perfect love for me, then my insecurities begin to lessen, and fade away, as I begin to learn that I am indeed secure in Christ.

Are you secure in Christ?
Are you secure in His love for you?
Is His perfect love casting out fear in your life?

Day Eleven

Today we are going to focus on learning to trust our Savior’s perfect love. We are going to be reminded today that we are secure in Christ. We do not have to live our lives in the darkness and fears of our insecurities. We don’t have to continue to hurt others or ourselves as we live in fight or flight mode due to insecurity. We are secure in Him… and honey… if God is for us who can be against us?

Just like yesterday, here’s a list to print off and read daily… study these Scriptures and let the perfect love of your God cast out every fear that creeps into your heart and mind and spirit.

I AM SECURE IN CHRIST  

I am free forever from condemnation
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.
Romans 8:1-2

I am assured that all things work together for good
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

I am free from any condemning charges against me
Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us
Romans 8:33-34

I cannot be separated from the love of God
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God
Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and anointed us is God, who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22

I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

I am a citizen of heaven
For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ;
Philippians 3:20

I am hidden with Christ in God
For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:3

I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline
For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7

I can find grace and mercy to help me in time of need
Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me

We know that no one who is born of God sins; but He who was born of God keeps him, and the evil one does not touch him.
1 John 5:18

****************************************************

I am reading slowly through Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners by John Bunyan. I was reading in it yesterday and Mr Bunyan was sharing how he was in the midst of a great temptation to be insecure in his relationship with Christ even with his salvation, and the validity of the Scriptures, and the truth that Christ is the only way unto salvation. He shared how this temptation lasted for at least a year. 

I wish that I could tell you that if you go through this challenge and you learn exactly who you are in Christ you will be fixed forever… I can’t. The tempter still seeks to devour you, to condemn you, to make you doubt, to discredit you… He still will seek to destroy you.

However you will be stronger. As you strengthen your faith muscles by walking in the Word and living by the truth of God rather than your feelings. As you grow in knowledge of Him and His grace, you will grow in His love and as you grow in His love, that perfect love will begin to cast out insecurity…

You, precious one, are secure in Christ.

 

The next few days we are going to focus on either discovering for the first time or reminding ourselves all over again who we are in Christ.

In her book Shannon recommends that you print this list off and put it on your bathroom mirror and read it every time you enter. My challenge is for you to print it off and put it on your mirror and then print it off again and take it with you to work or school so that you have it with when you leave the house. Keep it with you until March 17th and read it everyday.

******************************************************************************

I AM ACCEPTED IN CHRIST

I am God’s child

But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name,

John 1:12

I am Christ’s friend

No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends,

John 15:15

I have been justified

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
Romans 5:1

I am united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit

But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him.

1 Corinthians 6:17

I have been bought at a price; I belong to God

For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body
1 Corinthians 6:20

I am a member of Christ’s body

Now you are Christ’s body, and individually members of it.

1 Corinthians 12:27

I am a saint

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God,    To the saints who are at Ephesus and who are faithful in Christ Jesus:

Ephesians 1:1

I have been adopted as God’s child

He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will,

Ephesians 1:5

I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit

for through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father

Ephesians 2:18

I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins

in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1:14

I am complete in Christ

and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority;

Colossians 2:10

*****************************************************************************

How we see ourselves affects how we live and the decisions we make. If we see ourselves as weak, tempted beyond control, or needy, then that is how we will behave. But if that is what we still believe and how we still behave, then Christ’s death on the cross was in vain. He died so that His Holy Spirit could fill our emptiness, heal our hurts, and satisfy our every need.

~ Shannon Ethridge

Ladies, for the rest of this challenge study up on the truths of these Scriptures. Let God prove His Word to you. Open up your heart to Him and let His acceptance, His affirmation, His affection, flood your inner being and let the truth of who you are in Him overflow in and through your actions.

Oh precious one, never, ever forget who you are in Him and how very much He loves you…

Today’s challenge just might be the hardest yet…
It might be the most humbling, the most humiliating, the most harrying, but also the most helpful and most freeing… if you have the courage to face it.
Are you willing?
Are you ready?

Day Nine

We are fixing to dig deep ladies… so very deep. We are going to take a walk through our past and quite possibly our present.

Today your challenge is to at some point and time between now and March 17th… I am not asking you to do this today because I know personally how hard this will be for some… so just some time between now and March 17th I want you to get physically alone with God. No one else around. No time limit. Just you and God and a sheet of paper… or a couple of sheets of paper. Get alone and undistracted and pray that God would lead you in this challenge.

The challenge I am issuing you is the same challenge that Shannon was given as she sought healing. I will share the challenge in a bit, first let us go back to the garden.

It’s somewhere between 6000 and 8000 BC and Adam and Eve are at peace in a beautiful garden. God comes and walks with them and they are naked and unashamed before each other and God. All the world is at peace… except for one.

There is one who has become full of pride and violence and lies. He sits lurking in the darkness, awaiting his opportunity, his perfect opportunity to steal authority over this world so that he might wreak havoc in it. He’s been watching Adam and he’s been watching Eve… and he sees his open door.

Eve is alone.
She is vulnerable.
He has figured out her weakness.
She gets giddy with the right words.
She gets intoxicated by what she hears.
You see it wasn’t the serpents smooth handsome face and physique that caught Eve… it was that smooth tongue. He spoke words that went to her head and moved her emotions and he deceived her and she did eat.

She then, quite possibly, slithered and slinked up to her husband in her new discovered false sense of power and Adam, dumbstruck and mouth gaped at the visual pleasure of his Eve, forgot truth… forgot holiness… forgot what was right… forgot God… and he listened to the seductress not his God.

Their life would never be the same… consequences came… they always do.

Adam and Eve lost their relationship with God, severely damaged their relationship with each other, lost their authority over Satan and over this earth. They traded acceptance for rejection, belonging for loneliness, competence for inadequacy, equity for exploitation, identity for confusion, security for anxiety, significance for worthlessness, and transcendence for a spiritual void.

The serpent was cursed, Adam was cursed, the land was cursed, and yes… Eve was cursed.

Let me a share a little something with you. My heart was broken over and over again by boys that I wanted so desperately to want me, to like me, to love me, to think I was beautiful. I wanted them to desire me and I was willing to go to whatever extreme just to get that… even if it was only for a moment. The desire was rooted in the heart of a little 2nd and 3rd and 4th grade little girl who wasn’t pretty enough and the boy said he didn’t want her anymore and went off holding hands with another girl. The desire was rooted in the shame of a date rape that I blamed myself for and never told anyone about. The desire was was rooted in wanting the approval of a man…the affirmation of a man because I felt so unattractive and unwanted compared to other girls. The desire was rooted in the curse… your desire will be for your husband. 

Then one day I got tired of being hurt and I realized that I could be the one in control. I realized I could say and do certain things and I could have power and I learned how to use it. I grew cold. The last thing I wanted was a relationship with a man. I just wanted to control him the way I had been controlled by the desire to be loved. He was not going to rule over me. I would rule over him. The problem was… I still got hurt… it was just in a different way.

“I believe a woman’s desire and the issue of rulership or power are related in a way that unwraps some of the mystery behind a woman’s sexual conduct (or misconduct, rather). I believe that the desire for power (and the belief that men possess the power women crave) is what causes many women to seduce men, as well as what prompts some to use sex as a bargaining tool in their marriage. It’s not as much sex or love that these women are in pursuit of as it is the power behind bringing a man to his knees with her charms.

When we discovered as young women that our curvaceous bodies or pretty faces would turn heads, it awakened us to a form of power that we may have never known as preadolescence girls. For some of us, that power was intoxicating… perhaps even addicting.”  

“Most of my single days are a tragic testimony of a young woman striving to gain some sense of power through inappropriate relationships with men. Rather than use what beauty God had given me to bring glory to Him. I used it as bait to lure men into feeding my ego. Rather than inspiring men to worship God. I subconsciously wanted them to worship me, and if I was successful in hooking a man with my charms, I secretly felt powerful.” 
~ Shannon Ethridge

So my dear sweet sister… what have you used what beauty God has given you for? Has it been to inspire men to worship God… or to inspire them to worship you? Why have you had the relationships you have had?

Why do you think so many women degrade themselves with photographs? Why do you think magazines are full of thousands of articles about how to manipulate and control a man through sexual positions and seductions? Why do these women pose for these pics and play these parts in the movies and dress that way and dance that way?

Because they have scanned the room and though there are eyes that condemn them, that pity them, that are embarrassed for them, that truly love them, they instead choose to lock eyes only with the one they realize that they have power over… the ones that are affirming them… these eyes they are addicted to and these eyes they will continue to degrade themselves over for this very moment… this moment of being “worshiped”.

Shannon shared the confession of a young women named Jennifer who admitted that she realized that even when she went to church she dressed herself to be seen. She said she walked in the sanctuary and she scanned the room to see if there was anyone whose eyes were on her. You see she came to church not to worship God… but to be worshiped.

Oh… honey there is only one that is worthy of worship.

It’s time to share the challenge.
I’ll let Shannon introduce it.

“I was seeking to understand why I still felt tempted outside of my marriage, so my therapist asked me to spend a week making a list of every man I had ever been with sexually or had pursued emotionally. I was shocked and saddened to see how long my list had grown through the years. 

At the next visit, she asked me to spend a week praying and asking myself, “What do each of these men have in common?”

“As I searched my soul to discern why such a common thread existed in my relational pursuits, the root of the issue became evident: my hunger for power over a man.”
~ Shannon Ethridge  

Ladies this is the challenge: create a list of the men you have had sexual experiences with, pursued emotionally (or allowed to pursue you), or fantasized about, the point is to find out what common threads surface as you do this.  

When you discover it… go boldly before the throne of grace and seek help in your time of need and ask God to meet this need in you. Seek His forgiveness.

Then if you need to… seek your husbands forgiveness if you have been using your sexual relationship with him as a means to control or manipulate or punish him.

*(PS- destroy this list after you have done it… it is the past… we are working to put it behind us… and not bring it into our present or future any longer)  

Compare and compromise and competition… we are going to continue today to look at comparisons and our emotional ties… but today we are focusing on us… woman to woman.

Day Eight

There she goes… big brown eyes, smooth perfect complexion, at least a D cup all perky and tight, makes it to the gym every day, flat stomach with no stretch marks, butt is still where yours used to be, she eats only food from the organic store because she doesn’t have two or three (or five or six) kids at home to feed on a one income budget… and every man she walks by looks up and smiles… ugh.

And you look down, you haven’t showered in two days because the kids have had the flu, you smell like medicine and vomit, and you have on an old pair of leggings with your husbands over sized old sweatshirt that he wanted to throw out… but you kept for days like this, because it was comfortable… and you see her… you don’t know her but you have just decided that you hate her and you hate yourself for not being her.

So you get ill and mad and ugly (only in your head of course, on the outside you are the queen of Christian politeness, you may even make a point to purposely say “Hi” to her just to prove that to yourself).

“Hmmmm well I could look like that too if I didn’t have a family to take care of.”
“Enjoy that body while you can honey, because it’s all down hill from here”
“Well, I can still look that good if I want to, and next time, I come in this store, these men will be looking at me”
“She is probably stuck up and rude and thinks she’s something”

Then… you walk out and there she is…

She has on a shirt that is too short and jeans that are too tight and stuff is hanging out the bottom and over the top. Her hair is stuck in the eighties and her make-up is way too dark and you think, “Honey did you not look in the mirror before you left the house, please do not tell me you actually think you look good.”

Now you walk out to the car feeling pretty darn good about yourself because at least you had the good sense to cover up and camouflage anything that was hanging out or over. Now here you are still smelling like medicine and vomit in old sweat clothes and because you saw her after you saw her… well now you can head back home feeling pretty darn good about your hot mess self and ready to pump kids full of tamiflu and tylenol all momma style.

This is a challenge I face. I have allowed the beauty of another female to make me feel so insecure that I couldn’t even get “in the mood” for my husband because I would be so disgusted with my own appearance compared to hers… all I would want to do is put on even baggier clothes and crawl under the covers and bury myself until death do us part.

This type of measuring is dangerous for us and it is dangerous for our marriage.

“We feel huge and sloppy. We feel powerless. We wonder who would ever want to be with us. Such feelings can lead us to become victims of seduction. When we focus so much on superficial appearance, our self-esteem can become so low that if a man takes notice of us, we are pleasantly surprised and become affirmation-seeking missiles. We begin to hunger for a man’s approval so much that his flattery and attention can manipulate us.”
~ Shannon Ethridge 

So today ladies… let us not compare ourselves woman to woman. For the rest of this challenge, this is added to your challenge. Don’t compare your husband to another man and don’t compare your self to another woman. This goes back to Psalm 139… you my dear are fearfully and wonderfully made.

“When we compare ourselves to others, we put one person above the other. We either come out on top (producing vanity and pride in our lives), or we come up short (producing feelings of disappointment with what God has given us). Regardless of how we measure up when we make these comparisons, our motives are selfish and sinful rather than loving.”
~ Shannon Ethridge

Ladies, we have lost something in this day of feminism and liberation… we have lost our friendships with one another… woman to woman. Instead she has become your competition. You compete with her and you don’t trust her. So you choose to make and form friendships with men instead of women… but ladies, listen to me… WE NEED EACH OTHER!

“Not only can we attract unhealthy relationships with men when we feel intimidated by or superior to other women, we also miss out on something we all desperately need: intimacy with our sisters. Whether we are single or married, our sisters often keep us connected to God’s love in a way that a boyfriend or husband can’t or won’t. If we would stop competing and start connecting with other women, this battle for sexual and emotional integrity wouldn’t be nearly as overwhelming. Remaining connected to healthy, loving friendships can keep us out of bed with the next guy we meet and help us satisfy our longing for emotional fulfillment”
~ Shannon Ethridge 

Ladies I understand your fear of female friendships. I experienced the lies and the stabs in the back and the twist of the knife from those girls that were supposed to be my friends. I experienced the secrets shared and the boyfriends stolen… and yes, growing up I was just as guilty of all that at times myself.    

We are not kids anymore.
Let us not act like it.

When we were children growing up we did foolish things… we said foolish things… we hurt others for selfish gain… we are not children. We are women of God who know better now. Let us be those women and let us raise our daughters and the other young women in our lives to not compete with one another, to not compare with one another, but to hold each other up.

We need each other.

I need women in my life that I can come to and confess my hurts and fears to. I need women who have been there and made it, who can encourage me. I need women to laugh with, and cry with, and stand firm with, when times get hard. Ladies, I need you!

I received a comment on one of the Thirty-three day Challenge posts sharing that they were doing the challenge, but they felt like a failure…

Ladies, God is honoring your efforts. Just as I shared with this woman I will share with you, don’t feel like a failure, just persevere! Keep going. Our God is not a performance based judge. He judges according to the heart. 

Day Seven:

Today as we focus on becoming a woman of sexual and emotional integrity we will focus on our thoughts toward our husbands or future husbands….

She doesn’t compare her husband to other men, discounting his personal worth and withholding a part of herself from him as punishment for his imperfections.
~ Shannon Ethridge

I think that quite possibly this is one of the leading causes of infidelity and divorce when we get down to the heart of the matter. Comparisons.

“When women compare their husbands with other men, they are toying with a threat similar to the threat a man plays with when visually lusting after other women. Whether the comparison is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, we not only show disrespect for our husband’s uniqueness, but also undermine our marriage and emotional integrity.”

“At the very least, when a woman’s comparisons of her husband with other men (real men or fictional men from a book) heightens any disappointment or disillusionment she feels with her own husband, it can prevent her from getting excited about him sexually or emotionally. These comparisons encourage her once-glowing passion for her husband to fade to a mere tolerance of him as she forgets all about the wonderful man she fell in love with.”
~ Shannon Ethridge

Ladies, for the rest of our challenge… stop comparing your husband with other men. Don’t watch a movie or read a book or listen to a song or look at the man you work with or go to church with and say..

“I wish my husband would spend that kind of effort toward me”
“I wish my husband would say things like that”
“I wish my husband would come to church with me like her husband”
“I wish my husband would lead our family like he does”
“I wish my husband was like that father”
“I wish my husband would meet my needs like her husband does for her”

STOP!

What you are doing is not fair. You are comparing your husband to fleeting moments you see in others. You don’t live with any of these men… and honey, none of these men have to live with you.

Think about that for a moment.

You have to love your husband through eyes of grace. He is not perfect.

However, he is yours.

Love him with 1 Corinthians 13 love.

Love him with the grace you have received from God and with the grace you desire to receive from him. Don’t get caught up in just trying to survive in your marriage. Don’t get caught up in escaping reality by burying your heart in a world of a fantasy. Instead, open up the Word of God and study up on grace.

“If we crave genuine intimacy, we must learn to seek it only in this kind of grace-filled relationship.”

~ Shannon Ethridge

Spend today remembering all those little things about him that you fell in love with. I understand you may feel like you have been abandoned and lost in the shuffle of his life. You may feel last on his list. He may even be horrible to you…

If you are to find the life God wants for you, you must do one more thing- you must forgive. This may be the last thing you want to do, but it may be the very thing you need to do most. Your husband may never ask for your forgiveness. Or at times he may say he is sorry only to repeat the offense in a short time. He may be the worst of the worst, but no matter how “bad…” he is, you need to find a way to forgive him. Not for his sake, but for yours.

The longer you refuse to forgive him, the longer he has control of you. You may think he doesn’t “deserve” forgiveness, but you deserve living beyond the bitterness and resentment that hurts only you. You deserve the freedom that will only come when you let go of all you have against him. This is not an easy or instant process. You may have been so badly hurt that it would take years to forgive him totally. If that is the case, all the more reason to begin the process now.

Many men do not even know the depths of hurt and pain we have caused the women we love. We have a way of rushing through our lives and stumbling over the most important people in them. Please forgive us for the hurt we have caused. Please forgive your husband so you can unshackle yourself from a past you can not change and destructive feelings you cannot afford to harbor. Forgive the unforgivable and move into the life that is waiting for you.

~ Stephen Arterburn

Ladies here is when you begin to put the Word of God in action. When you finally begin to apply the truth of grace and forgiveness to your life and to the lives of those closest to you, even the one’s who have hurt you the most. Let me assure you that His Word never fails. Love never fails because God never fails.

We live in a day when we have a list of rules or steps that are supposedly guaranteed to solve all our problems. Just do this, this way, in this order, and sit back and watch the results. Life just doesn’t always fit into a list. How many times have you sat down in the morning or the night before and wrote out your “to do” list for the next day? How many times have you been able to accomplish it as written?

Today in our challenge we are going to talk about how to live lives of sexual and emotional integrity based on love not legalism.

Day Six

Our first look at legalism vs love: How far is too far?

As young women, we pushed the envelope while we were dating. Kissing on the first date was almost an expectation. Allowing him to go to first, second, or even third “base” was considered okay, as long as he couldn’t proclaim to his friends that he’d hit a “home run” with you. But all of this sexual activity during dating didn’t prepare us for true love, lifetime commitments, and faithful marriages as we thought it would. Instead, it prepared us to crave intensity and excitement that only a new relationship brings, causing us to be discontent once we marry and the relationship ages.

Because we never learned sexual self-control as single women (not just physical, but emotional, mental, and spiritual self-control), it seems extremely difficult to exercise it with the added stressors of two kids, a minivan, and a mortgage payment. How disappointing to discover that the wedding band placed on our finger didn’t change us at all!
~ Shannon Ethridge

If our question is “how far is too far?” Then you are living out of legalism not love. Love doesn’t seek to see how close it can get to getting it’s selfish desires fulfilled before it has crossed the line into whatever church, society, family, and friends has chosen is the line of sin.

Love does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, (1 Corinthians 13:5)

In Dannah Gresh’s book What Are You Waiting For, she shared how a young man had went to his youth minister to ask him how far was too far, the advice given by the youth minister, “Anything above the waist is okay.”

Hello?!?!? WHAT??? Anything above the waist?

Ladies let me share a little something with you.

Did you see it?

Let the wife of your youth satisfy, her breast, the young man is too be exhilarated with her love. Yes, my breast belong to my husband and no one else. My husband is to be satisfied in my breast. Your breast do not belong to him and they are not to be out on display to be seen by him.

Miss swimsuit issue girl, and playboy girl, and pro-football cheerleader girl, and music pop star, and silver screen movie girl, and young woman sitting in the Sunday school class and worship service with the cleavage hanging out, and young lady on Facebook, and young lady with the cell phone who cries out for attention through posting and texting inappropriate pics… those breast are to be for one man.

I was so very proud over the public stand of a young VS model who finally realized that she was damaging her marriage and others by what she was doing… and she was causing young men to stumble…

She made her decision out of Christian love… not legalism… she chose to walk away and give her body back to her husband for his pleasure alone. I also loved that she did not condemn those who hadn’t followed her lead… yet. (I believe many will)

The majority of us do what we do and have done what we have done because we used the attention to fill a void in our heart… but this void can only be filled with Christ and can only be satisfied in Him and in obedience to Him through our love for Him.

Therefore, a list of laws about what women of integrity can and can’t wear, should and shouldn’t do and say, and so on, isn’t the answer…

The answer lies not in legalism but in Christian love.

~ Shannon Ethridge

How do we practically live this out? How do we learn to live by love instead of legalism?

If we love God, love our neighbor, and love ourselves (in that order), then we can live far above any set of rules or regulations. We have freedom to live apart from any legalistic standards when we live by the spirit of love.
~ Shannon Ethridge

When we live our lives through the eyes of legalism, we have a list of rules to keep. We make our choices and decisions through looking at the rules instead of the person. Rules are stone and cold and you can’t hurt them, you can break them, but it doesn’t hurt the rules, it only hurts you.

However a person is not made of stone… if you break them it does hurt.

Here is a little comparison of ways we can ask ourselves questions as we seek “permission”. Look closely and see if you usually ask questions of compromise and if you do may we learn to instead ask questions of integrity.  

Questions of Compromise vs Questions of Integrity

Are my actions lawful?
Are my actions loving to others?

Will anyone find out?
Is this something I’d be proud of?

Would anyone condemn me?
Is this my highest standard?

Is this socially acceptable?
Is this in line with my convictions?

Are my clothes too revealing?
Am I dressing for attention?

How can I get away with saying this?
Would this be better left unsaid?

Will this hurt anyone?
Will this benefit others?

Yes, we live in a free country and we are free in Christ. But we are not to use our freedoms to enslave another, or to allow the enemy to take our freedoms and use them to destroy another.

If we want to gain the prize of sexual integrity, we may need to let go of some of our “freedoms” (in dress, thoughts, speech, and behavior) in order to serve the best interest of others out of love.

~ Shannon Ethridge

Yes, honey you have the “freedom” to wear that, to do that, to say that, to go there, to post that, to text that… but at what cost? 

I can’t draw a line in the sand and say don’t cross that. That far is too far. That skirt is too short. That shirt is too low. That comment was too far. That post was too risque. That flirt was too far.

All I can tell you is to ask yourself what your motive is? What’s the why behind your actions. Is the why pleasing in His sight?

For a Christian woman, sexual and emotional integrity means that her thoughts, words, emotions and actions all reflect an inner beauty and a sincere love for God, others, and for herself. This doesn’t mean she is never tempted to think, say, feel, or do something inappropriate, but she tries diligently to resist these temptations and stands firm in her convictions. She doesn’t use men in an attempt to get her emotional cravings met, or entertain sexual or romantic fantasies about men she is not married to. She doesn’t compare her husband to other men, discounting his personal worth, and withholding a part of herself from him as punishment for his imperfections. She doesn’t dress to seek male attention, but she doesn’t limit herself to a wardrobe of ankle-length muu-muus, either. She may dress fashionably and look sharp or may even appear sexy (like beauty, sexy is in the eyes of the beholder), but her motivation isn’t self-seeking or seductive. She presents herself as an attractive woman because she knows she represents God to others.

~ Shannon Ethridge  

We are women. We have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. All of these needs are meant to be met in Christ. We cannot manipulate men, whether it be our husband or not, to get our needs met. We must come to our Savior. He is jealous for us, He loves us, oh how He loves us. All we need is Him and in Him…

In our challenge so far we have been focused on taking out the obvious trash. The challenges have been to fast from magazines, books, movies, and music that glorifies or glamorizes sin and feeds your mind and spirit on things that tear us down instead of building us up.

During this trash fast we are to be focusing our hearts and minds on remembering how God says He created us by meditating on Psalm 139. If we feel the need to get wrapped up in a good love story we are to be reading the Song of Solomon and digging deeper into the truths in this beautiful book. When it’s movie and tv time, we need to be very selective during this challenge, if we watch at all, and if we do watch, don’t veg out. Try to count the number of times sex is thrown in our face and that not being a healthy biblical account of sex between a man and his wife. When it’s music time, until March 17th, we need to fill our mind and heart and soul with only songs that connect us to Our Creator. Until March 17th, let’s read and study and focus on growing in the grace and knowledge of God and His everlasting lovingkindness toward us.

Day Five: Beginning our taking of personal inventory.

Here is where we start digging deep. We begin to focus today on weeding out deception…

“Many believe that just because they are not involved in a physical, sexual affair they don’t have a problem with sexual and emotional integrity. As a result, they engage in thoughts and behaviors that compromise their integrity and rob them of true sexual and emotional fulfillment.”

“Men and women struggle in different ways when it comes to sexual integrity. While a man’s battle begins with what he takes in through his eyes, a woman’s begins with her heart and her thoughts. A man must guard his eyes to maintain sexual integrity, but because God made women to be emotionally and mentally stimulated, we must closely guard our hearts and minds as well as our bodies…”

 ~ Shannon Ethridge

Now take this Scripture and apply it to you as a woman and our struggle: “I tell you that any woman who envisions a man longingly has already committed adultery with him in her heart.”

Ladies our adultery does not begin with lustful eyes… it begins with a lustful thought and a longing heart. We don’t undress a man with our eyes. We envision him undressing us… looking deep in our eyes and seeing the real us.  We envision that he pulls us close and whispers his undying love and devotion in our ears and then whisks us up in his arms and carries us away to a place of deep emotional fulfillment…

Am I close here?

Here are some contrast that Shannon brings out her book:

Men: crave physical intimacy                           

Women: crave emotional intimacy

Men: give love to get sex                                

Women: give sex to get love

Men: body can disconnect from mind and soul 

Women: body, mind, heart, soul, intricately connected

Men: stimulated by what they see                   

Women: stimulated by what you hear

Men: recurrent physical needs cycle                

Women: recurrent emotional needs cycle

Men: vulnerable to unfaithfulness in the absence of physical touch

Women: vulnerable to unfaithfulness in the absence of emotional connection

Are you beginning to see why we have began this challenge with a trash fast? Are you beginning to see how the enemy has been able to use the media outlets to seduce us and confuse us and tempt us and yet wonder why we feel the way we do when we have not “technically” committed a sinful act?

Ladies… I didn’t mention this in the trash take-out but let me approach it now… Internet chats… be careful. “Oh he’s just a good friend” is one of the biggest lies the enemy feeds us and we gobble it up just as quickly as Eve gobbled up the fruit of that tree that got us all in the mess to begin with. If you are connecting emotionally with a man that is not your husband… or if you are unmarried and it is somebody else’s husband… RUN!

Today we are going to look over a checklist of questions to consider. This is more personal inventory time. These question require a simple yes or no answer. Consider each question honestly. This is just between you and God, precious one, don’t hide from your own flesh.

ARE YOU ENGAGED IN A BATTLE? 

1) Is having a man in your life or finding a husband something that dominates your thoughts?

2) If you have a man in your life, do you compare him to other men (physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually)

3) Do you often think of what your life will be like after your husband is dead, wondering who the “next man” could be?

4) Do you have sexual secrets that you don’t want anyone else to know about?

5) Do you feel like a nobody if you don’t have a love interest in your life? Does a romantic relationship give you a sense of identity?

6) Do you seem to attract bad or dysfunctional relationships with men?

7) Do men accuse you of being manipulative or controlling?

8  Do you feel secretly excited or powerful when you sense that a man finds you attractive?

9) Do you have a difficult time responding to your husband’s sexual advances because you feel he should meet your needs first?

10) Is remaining emotionally or physically faithful to one person a challenge for you?

11) Do you often choose your attire in the morning based on the men you will encounter that day?

12) Do you find yourself flirting or using sexual innuendos (even if you do not intend to) when conversing with someone you find attractive?

13) Do you resent the fact that your husband wants sex more often than you do, and you would rather he just masturbate so you don’t have to perform?

14) Do you have to masturbate when you get sexually aroused?

15) Do you read romance novels because of the fantasies they evoke within you or because they arouse you sexually?

16) Have you used premarital or extramarital relationships to “medicate” your emotional pain?

17) Is there any area of your sexuality that is not known by your husband, is not approved by your husband, or does not involve your husband?

18) Do you spend more time or energy ministering to the needs of others through church or social activities than to your husband’s sexual needs?

19) Do you use pornography either alone or with a partner?

20) Do you fantasize about being intimate with someone other than your husband? (this includes if you are not married, that is some one’s husband or at least it probably will be one day)  

21) Do you have a problem making and maintaining close female friends?

22) Do you converse with strangers in Internet chat rooms?

23) Have you ever been unable to concentrate on work, school, or the affairs of your household because of thoughts or feelings you are having about someone else?

24) Do you the word victim describes you?

25) Do you avoid sex in your marriage because of the spiritual guilt or dirty feeling you experience afterward?

Whew… yes that’s a lot to think about.

By the way this list was just to make you think. It was not a list to see how horrible you are because of the number of yes’s you had or to make you pat yourself on the back because of the number of no’s you had.

We are focusing these next days on personal inventory and weeding out the subtle deceptions that the enemy has been able to sneak in our hearts and minds…

Our goal is freedom.

Our goal is to stand before our Savior unashamed…

Day Four:
This is the last day of the “obvious” trash take out.

This one might be the hardest for some.
Are you ready?
Today turn off the tunes.
For the next thirty days listen only to Christian worship music. Listen only to music that glorifies God and sings of your love to Him and His to you.

Here’s the simple fact… music makes memories.

Music is easily memorized.
God tells us that the song will not be forgotten from the lips and it is a witness that will testify… What songs are on your lips and what testimony do they bring?

Not only is music easily memorized, but it also is also mood invoking. There is a reason that more people change churches because of the music rather than because of the Biblical teaching or even the relationships built. Music moves us.

Music moves us from the locker room to the game. We put on fast beat and pumped up music to get the team fired up as they head out to the court or field to play the game.

Music moves us in the church as we begin the service with music to get everyone “in the spirit”

And yes, music moves us to the bedroom.

Music is used to make memories that move us immediately to that place where we heard that song. That’s why so much time and effort goes into the songs that we will choose to have at our weddings. We will begin picking out the songs and filing them in our memory bank when just little girls…

Music is used to intoxicate and it works, It can reach a place in our souls that mere words alone sometimes cannot.

Shannon Ethridge writes, “I don’t listen to secular. I have a lot of sexual memories that are attached to particular songs from my past. When I am out in public, I occasionally hear a song that sends me back to a particular place, time, or relationship evoking memories I’d rather forget. Funny how music has the power to do that.”

I don’t listen to secular music either… 
When I was wholly surrendered to my Jesus and I sat in my car or turned on the radio in the house I heard the lyrics I had been singing for really the first time.
I couldn’t sing them anymore.
I also realized that the music stirred things in me that I was trying to learn how to put to death as I walked in the Spirit and not my flesh. If I was to have victory, this music had to go.
I also, like Shannon, hated the memories that I had attached to many of these songs.

I chose to turn these off and make new memories with my Christ.
When I say I don’t listen to secular music, it’s not that I am trying to be “holier than thou” it’s just I had rather remember a moment with my God and be stirred by His Spirit rather than my flesh.

When I hear “Alabaster Box” by CeCe Winans I remember the grace that God poured out on me.
When I hear “What Are You Waiting For” by Natalie Grant, I immediately go to 2006 in Poland and I remember to pray for those I had an opportunity to share that experience with.
When I hear “Revelation Song” by Kari Jobe, I immediately go to our church’s Judgment Seat production and I remember to pray for those who have came through it and been in it.
When I hear “Majesty” by Delirious I go to Big Stuf camps and I remember the moment that my God had me on my face before Him in an awesome time of worship and thanksgiving and I also remember to pray for those that were there that year and I remember to pray for Ryan Wade, because he has played that song many times at church.
When I hear “Praise You in This Storm” by Casting Crowns I remember my dear friend Brenda Folette and how God used this song to carry her through a hard time.
When I hear “Held” by Natalie Grant I remember my dear sweet Grace Henry and her strength and beauty as she battled cancer in faith and now stands victorious with her Savior.
When I hear “Hosanna” by Hillsong United I remember to pray for Melanie Dickerson because I have heard her sing it so beautifully and in a true spirit of worship.
When I hear the hymn “Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus” and “Made to Love You” by Toby Mac I remember the night my husband and I renewed our vows and I pray for our marriage and for him.

I can go on and on with the musical memories… and these are the memories I want to make and these are the memories I want to remember.

Yes, I have a couple of select secular songs that I hang on to… because they hold memories for me and my husband… I walked down the wedding isle with him the first time to “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith and then there are tons of songs that bring to memory our dates and kisses…

…but for the next thirty days, let’s focus on our God and our relationship with Him.

Ladies for the next thirty days… flood your minds with memories of grace and mercy. If you don’t have those memories, let’s make some this next thirty days. This next thirty days let the song that will not be forgotten from your lips be one of delight to your God and let it be a witness that testifies of His love.

When you have the choice, choose to listen to Christian praise and worship music. Spend this next thirty days being wooed by the Lover of your soul.