>Yesterday was my first public pool/beach experience for this summer season. As we were packing up to go and I was choosing which swimsuit to wear the dilemma began and then came the challenge to myself. When I challenge myself it’s really not a challenge in my own strength, but more a challenge of faith. You see I am learning that everything in my life as a believer centers around faith. Not faith in faith, but faith in Christ and believing His word and displaying my belief through my obedience to it. Obedience is evidence of faith and faith is not faith until it is tested.

What on earth can test a woman’s faith more than a public pool?

The dilemma came as I was choosing what suit to wear:
Option 1: Somewhat modest bikini
Option 2: Not so modest bikini
Option 3: Tankini with skirted bottom

Rationalization of Options:
Option 1: Well it’s pretty modest and I could keep a tank top on
Option 2: Only wear this one at our family’s pool when just family will be there or with my husband by my side at the beach, but I do have some swim trunks now from VBS that will match the top, could wear the bikini top and shorts
Option 3: Would not get as much sun and will have a skirt tan line, but would not embarrass my girls or compromise the standard we have set for them in suit choosing and I would feel comfortable walking around in it

Okay, Option 3 is the winner.

Now on the way to the pool comes the challenge.

Oh Father, please help me to have a good time today. Help me not to compare myself to another woman here. Let me not make myself feel better or worse about my appearance by comparing myself to some other female. 

You see I have allowed my entire pool or beach experience to be ruined at times because I saw some other female with a figure that I thought I could in no way ever measure up to and God help my poor husband if he even looked in her general direction. I would spend the rest of the trip in fear that when he looked at or touched me he was wishing I was her.
Then there are the times that I have found myself scanning the vicinity comparing myself to those in the what I considered to be the less than perfect figure categoryy and saying to myself, “well I look better than her” and then allowing this to determine my confidence in myself.

“For we are not bold to class or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves; but when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding. But we will not boast beyond our measure, but within the measure of the sphere which God apportioned to us as a measure, to reach even as far as you.” (2 Corinthians 10:12-13)

How dangerous it is for we as Christian women to determine our worth and confidence by comparing ourselves with each other and measuring ourselves by each other. Does not our society do that enough? I do not want my daughters to gain their confidence and worth by their outer appearance so I cannot do it myself. How dare I tear another person down in order to make me feel better about myself, even if I do it without their knowing it. The Lord looks at my heart. I want my heart to be pleasing to my God.
I also no longer want to measure myself by myself. I have learned that my mirror lies to me. I can look in it one morning and be pleased in what I see. Then not even a week later I can look in that very same mirror and all I can see is stretch marks, a bottom that’s just not what it used to be, legs with cellulite, arms that are now waving in a way that they never did when I was “raising the roof” ten years ago. I will leave the bathroom determined never to eat again and to work out 6 hrs a day until I look 21 again.

The only mirror I can trust is the mirror of God’s Word.   

The Word of God tells me that “All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field… The grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of our God stands forever.” (Isaiah 40:6-8) How foolish is it of me to put my hope and confidence and worth in something that is not lasting. What determines somethings true value, even in our society, but that it is something that lasts. This flesh will not last. No matter how many protein shakes you drink, no matter the gym membership, no matter the surgeries, the loveliness of this flesh will fade so if I put my confidence in this withering fading flesh then my confidence, my worth, will wither and fade with it.

“for we are the true circumcision, who worship in the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh,” (Philippians 3:3)

So my challenge to myself was not to compare myself this day with another female in any way. My challenge was not to look at another woman and say “well, I used to look like that” or “good grief, I could never look like that” or “at least I don’t look like that.”
My challenge was to enjoy the day with my girls-> heart to heart not flesh to flesh.
My challenge was to show my girls that living a life of faith is trusting God to see you through every part of your life, even the public pool experience as a middle-aged happily married mom 🙂

Did the Lord help me meet this challenge? I can tell you with all honesty and confidence that yes He did. He did by giving me His Spirit to dwell in me and be my Helper and giving me the strength and authority in Christ to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:4-6)

“For the Lord will be your confidence…” (Proverbs 3:26) 

“We separate ourselves from Him sometimes, because we misunderstand His heart. We then feel like He is at a distance and we allow the lies of the enemy to pile on, which is an obvious tactic to push us further and further in the very direction that we want nothing to do with. It’s the bottomless pit of us and what we can do apart from Him…”  (Dara Maclean)

How many times have you fallen into this trap? I know that I have. God has promised that He would never leave us nor forsake us, but how often do we forsake Him because we assume He is through with us?

We have a basement at our church. This basement’s primary use at the moment is for a storm shelter and hell. Yes, hell is in our church basement, so come visit us anytime… Well it’s actually that we use the basement for the hell scene in our yearly drama called “The Judgment Seat” that we put on around Halloween for our community and anyone else who wants to come.

The basement is full of stuff as this requires a huge set-up. So anyway, as I was looking for stuff to prepare the stage for our VBS this past June I needed to go down the stairs to the basement. I go to flip on the light and it is out. There is no light to light the stairway so I have to feel my way in the dark down to the next level where there is another light. I do this several more times, up and down the stairs.

Then it’s like God whispers “Stop, I have something to teach you”

So I stop on the stairwell and it hits me. I realize that I could not see coming down the stairs, but I could see perfectly fine coming back up. I look up to the top of the stairs where I had left the door propped open to the light in the hallway. Then the verse, “Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path” (Psalm 119:105) comes to my mind along with 1 John 1:5, “This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.”

What I realized at this moment was that whether I was going up or down the stairs the light in the hallway had not changed. The light remained the same, but it was my position to the light that determined whether or not I could see.

The very moment I turned my back on the light, after being in the light, I could not see clearly at all. I was almost blind in the darkness. The further away I went the less I could see and find my way. But, no matter how far down I descended, the moment I turned back toward the light I could clearly see my way back up to it.

I believe this is what God wanted to teach me.

There may be times in our lives that we find ourselves in darkness. It could be that we have for some reason turned our back to the Light, and it is true that after being in the Light, the darkness seems even more dark. We might have stumbled into this darkness. We might be deceived into this darkness. It doesn’t matter how we got there, the way out is the same. We have to find the Light and turn back to it. The very moment we do, the Light makes clear the way. Even the smallest glint of light can be a guide out of darkness.

We have to remember that the Light does not change. God does not change. He is the same today, yesterday, and forever. God does not change but it is our position to God that can change. When our back is to Him we cannot see, but when we turn our face to Him… then… when once we were blind, now we see.

What’s your position to Him today?

>So this housewife has spent the last few hours glued to the computer watching the defense’s closing arguments in the Casey Anthony murder trial. I have to admit that the defense’s arguments left me with a reasonable doubt and I believe at this point had I been on this jury I too would have said “not guilty”. Of course I have not watched the trial in full nor have I listened to the prosecutions closing arguments.

I am fully aware that my opinion holds no relevance to the case.

Many have spent today venting their frustration and indignation over this case. I don’t know if we will ever know what really happened to little Caylee. I have heard several assumptions. Many have their own idea and speculations all built around and from their own personal experiences with life. This is where most of us live.

As a friend’s facebook status said  “Please remember the absolute truth and promise of this: Ecclesiastes 12:14 ‘For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil'”

How thankful I am for the sovereignty of God. This is what we can know, God is the Judge of judges. He sees what we do not see. Nothing is hidden from His sight. Different life backgrounds and experiences do not help shape His opinions. He stands on truth. Justice is not blind to Him. It is always served.

This is where we should rest. This is where we can find peace. I also know that Caylee did not leave this earth without God’s permission. He alone holds the keys to life and death. This situation did not sneak up on Him.
I also know the blood of the slain calls up to God from the ground (Gen 4:10). The voices of the slain sit under His altar in the heavens and cry out for His vengeance (Rev 6:10). Matthew 18:10 lets us rest in the fact that even in her death, no matter how it came, Caylee was not alone, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven.”

Now I have considered spending the next few hours listening to the closing arguments of the prosecution. You know… so I can pass my own judgment of the case… but God didn’t ask me to sit in this court. Instead of spending more time trying to decide whether or not I believe the verdict was correct in my opinion according to the evidence presented at trial, I think I will pray that God’s will be accomplished.

The truth is when we live our lives apart from the will of God, there is no limit to our sin. There is not a one of us, if not submitted to the will of the Father, if not putting to death the deeds of the flesh, that could not be sitting in her chair. When the enemy has free reign in our minds and complete control of our emotions and thoughts. When we are a slave to sin… “being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful,…” (Rom 1:29-31)

But for the grace of God there go I…

>I found this prayer tucked away in my journal. I can’t remember who shared it with me, but I used to pray it over my husband daily. I believe now that I have rediscovered it I will begin to pray it over him again. Maybe you would like to pray it over your husband or your future husband or fellas take it and adapt it your wife or future wife and pray it over her. It is never to soon or too late to pray for our spouse. When you read “my husband” replace it with your husband’s name (or wife’s once adapted).

“Father, I pray today, in the name of Jesus, that my husband will not walk in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stand in the way of sinners, nor sit in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law does he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in it season; its leaf also shall not whither; and whatsoever he does shall prosper (Psalm1:1-3).

Thank You that You have raise him up together with You, and made him to sit in heavenly places in Christ Jesus; he is Your workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which You have before ordained that he should walk in them (Ephesians 2:6,10)

I bow my knees unto the Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that You would grant my husband, according to the riches of Your glory, to be strengthened with might by Your Spirit in His inner man; that Christ may swell in his heart by faith; that he will be rooted and grounded in love, and may be able to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height, and to know the love of Christ, which passes knowledge, that he might be filled with all the fullness of God. Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us (Ephesians 3:13-21).

I pray that no corrupt communication proceed out of his mouth, but that which is good to use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. (Ephesians 4:29).

Father, I will to submit myself unto my own husband, as unto the Lord. And I thank You that my husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. I desire that my husband love me even as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it. I will to reverence and respect my husband in the fear of God (Ephesians 5:22-33)

We are heirs together of the grace of life and our prayers will not be hindered, we pray. We will be of one mind, having compassion one of another, loving and courteous, not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that we are called to this, that we should inherit a blessing (1 Peter 3:7-9).

I desire that my husband might be filled with the knowledge of your will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that he will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, pleasing Him in all respects, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to Your glorious power, unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness. You have made him fit to be a partaker of the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of Light and have delivered him from the power of darkness and have transferred him into the kingdom of Your Son in whom we have redemption through His blood, even the forgiveness of sins (Colossians 1:9-14).

I plead the blood of Jesus over my husband. I claim the full armor of Jesus around him. May he stand firm with the belt of truth buckled around his waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and may his feet be fitted with the gospel of peace. In addition to all this may he take up the shield of faith with which he can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. May he take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God and may he pray in the Spirit at all times, in all occasions, with all kinds of prayers and petitions. With this in mind may he also be alert and always keep praying for all the saints (Ephesians 6:14-18).

I ask these things, believing in Your Word.
In Christ’s name,
Amen”  

>March 2, 2002

“for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.” Luke 12:12
“I said, ‘I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin, I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.” Psalm 39:1

Father, help me to deal with conflict the way your son Jesus Christ would. Help me to control my tongue and my anger. Help me to forget and forgive. Help me to admit when I am wrong. Help me to know when to stand firm firm and when to compromise.
In Jesus name,
Amen


March 4, 2002

Father, I just want to praise You and thank You for Your mercy and grace! I thank You for Your faithfulness. I pray that I will remain just as faithful to You! The devil tried all day today to make me lose my temper and lose my peace but Your Holy Spirit remained strong in me and the devil did not succeed. I thank You for my peace and praise You for my strength because I know that all I am is of You and from You!
In Jesus name,
Amen

Now I do not recall what prompted either on of these journal entries in March 2002. It is apparent that my tongue and temper had gotten the best of me. It could have been a fight with my husband. It could have been a telemarketer. It could have been some stranger cutting me off in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. I don’t remember, but it was enough for me to write it down. It was enough to convict me and have me searching out the Scriptures for help in case it happened again. It was apparently a strategy of the enemy that worked quit well because it only took two days before I had an opportunity to trust in the Scripture references I had written down.

What I gather from this journal look-back is that God was faithful. His Word was faithful. When I trusted in Him and pulled out my Sword of Truth I was victorious. This day I had success. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if when we won a victory it was the last battle on that particular subject we would have to fight. Unfortunately it just doesn’t work that way. It leans more in the direction that the more battles you win the harder the next attack comes. The enemy of our souls just does not give up that easily. How I praise God that greater is He who is within me than he who is in the world.

The thing is we never know who is watching us. We are at all times affecting someone- in our home, in our families, in our neighborhood, in our communities. The wicked are around us, the lost are around us, the saved are around us, fallen ones are around us, angels of mercy are around us.

We never know when what comes out of our mouth will be used against us or used to blaspheme the name of our God among the lost. We never know when our words will hurt or how they will affect someone we didn’t even know was listening. We never know when our tempermant can be used to turn someone away from our testimony of the grace of our God.

However, at the same time we can know how a sincere apology will be used for us. We may never know when seeking God’s forgiveness and the forgiveness of the ones we have wounded with our tongue and temperment will be used by God to demonstrate His grace, but it will be. I cannot even begin to share all the times I have had to apologize for harsh words to my husband. Nor can I even begin to share all the times I have had to sit down with my children and tell them I am sorry for my harsh words and tone. I can’t even begin to tell of the times I have had to call and apologize to a clerk at a store for allowing something out of their control to frustrate me.

I can recall one specific incident that happened at the photo booth at Wal-Mart, probably around the time of these journal entries mentioned. I don’t remember why I was upset, but something had happened and for whatever reason the store policy would not fix what I felt was their mistake. Any way I do remember being very rude to this poor clerk who was really just trying to do her job. I felt justified in my anger and rude words and tone… until about the parking lot. Then I spent the drive home explaining to God how I was justified in my attitude… yeh, that didn’t work out to well.

So I walk in the door of our home and head to the phone book and search out the Wal-Mart photo section phone number and call the photo booth and proceed to apologize to this woman. I had to confess to her that I was a Christian and I had not been a very good example of my Christ.

The funny thing is that I think she was probably more affected by my call of confession and apology than she would have been had I been perfectly behaved in front of her the first time. Not that I in anyway recommend this course and order of action, it’s just that all things work together for good for those who love God and are the called according to His purpose and what the enemy intended for evil God will use for good if we will just trust and obey.

>It never ceases to amaze me how well our God knows us and our sin condition. I am doing a little research on friendship and social interactions. As I went to my Strong’s to research the words friend, companion, brother, and sister I discovered over 600 references to these words in the Scriptures, then as I began to dig deeper I saw that their are different specific definitions to these words according to their context. I’ll be spending more time looking into that in the next few weeks, the Lord has peaked my curiosity.

Well as I was looking at this I thought, “isn’t there some sort of disorder that keeps people from being able to socialize with others”. So I head to the computer and google “social disorder” and this is some of what I learned from the Mayo clinic:

Social anxiety disorder is a chronic mental health condition that causes an irrational anxiety or fear of activities or situations in which you believe that others are watching you or judging you. You also fear that you’ll embarrass or humiliate yourself.

Emotional and behavioral signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:

• Intense fear of being in situations in which you don’t know people
• Fear of situations in which you may be judged
• Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
• Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
• Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work, school or other activities
• Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
• Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention

Physical signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:

• Blushing
• Profuse sweating
• Trembling or shaking
• Nausea
• Stomach upset
• Difficulty talking
• Shaky voice
• Muscle tension
• Confusion
• Palpitations
• Diarrhea
• Cold, clammy hands
• Difficulty making eye contact

You may also be affected by:

• Low self-esteem
• Trouble being assertive
• Negative self-talk
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Poor social skills

Common, everyday experiences that may be difficult to endure when you have social anxiety disorder include:

• Using a public restroom or telephone
• Returning items to a store
• Interacting with strangers
• Writing in front of others
• Making eye contact
• Entering a room in which people are already seated
• Ordering food in a restaurant
• Being introduced to strangers
• Initiating conversations

Left untreated, social anxiety disorder can be debilitating. Your anxieties may run your life. They can interfere with work, school, relationships or enjoyment of life. You may be considered an “underachiever,” when in reality it’s your fears holding you back from excelling. In severe cases, you may drop out of school, quit work or lose friendships.

Social anxiety disorder can also lead to other health problems, such as:

• Substance abuse
• Excessive drinking
• Depression
• Suicide

I read this and I thought, my goodness, this was me.
This STILL IS me at times, if I let it be.
Shocking news (not really) as you read this info you also read that women are most likely to suffer from this “social anxiety disorder”. How ironic that we as women are labeled as not being able to pass up a conversation yet studies show that we as women are most likely to suffer from this social disorder.

Oh my, before I came to lean on the everlasting arms of my Savior I really did suffer from this. I recall it hitting me in 1st grade. I would go to the nurse everyday sick just to get out of class. I remember going to the teacher balling my eyes out asking her to move my seat because these two boys were smiling and giggling at me. I remember hiding behind the filing cabinet when the class left for P.E. because we were supposed to be playing a new game that day that I had never played and I was terrified. I remember sitting in class with my head down, making no eye contact with the teacher hoping with all my might that she would not call me to go to the board. I don’t know why I reacted this way to such things. I had a wonderful loving family. There was nothing outside of myself to blame this on. It was within me.

Even in college when asked to go work something out on the board, terror would strike me. What if something was on the back of my pants? What if my underwear was showing? What if I trip on the way up? What if I forget what I am doing when up there? What if I pass gas in front of everyone, because my stomach was already upset from being nervous from just walking in the door to the classroom? What if?
Do you know I dropped speech at least four times in college. I was 30 years old before I finally conquered this class, but in the power of Christ and in the strength that He gave me I had victory.

John wrote perfect love casts out fear. Jesus told us to cast ALL our cares on Him. Paul tells us not to be anxious about anything but in all things pray. Jesus said I am with you. No matter the situation I am with you. Little by little the perfect love of my Saviour has been working away at the things that used to leave me crippled in fear. As I learn that I am nothing apart from Him I learn that I am everything in Him.

So to my fellow in the closet or out of the closet social anxiety disorder friends:
Know that nothing is impossible with God.
Know that in Christ you can have victory.

“In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.”

Psalm 5:3

The Lord was so kind to me this morning to show me the flip side of His favor as He took me to Psalm 5. I read “For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O LORD, You surround him with favor as with a shield” (Psalm 5:12) You see I had rather have the favor of God and be hated by the world than be loved by the world and be without the favor of God. The truth is you can’t have both the favor of God and the favor of the world. I choose the favor of God no matter what the world may throw at me.

I know that the favor of God is as a shield and all this world can do is destroy my flesh and what is seen. It cannot touch my spirit or the eternal unseens that are mine in Christ. I will persevere and hold fast to the promises of my God that I find in His Word. Oh what treasures they are!

After spending the beginning of my morning telling God all that was on my mind and pouring out my frustrations and my fears and reminding Him of certain situations that were going on. I said “Amen” and then laid my head on my Bible and prayed that God would sanctify me by His truth, His Word is truth. (Yes I will even try osmosis to get all of God’s Word firmly established in my mind and heart and soul)

I then begin to read over Isaiah 40 and was once again reminded of the greatness of my God. I read “Who has directed the Spirit of the LORD, or as His counselor has informed Him?” Isaiah 40:13.

At this point I shake my head and smile up at the beautiful blue sky dusted with the white swirls and puff of clouds of my Creator God and I say to Him, “Oh Father, I love You.” I say this because I am overwhelmed with the patience of my God. How patient He is with me. His lovingkindness endures forever.

I read this particular verse in Isaiah and it hit me how often I come to God to “inform” Him of what is going on. Coming to Him as though He somehow has missed this situation or has forgotten that this certain thing was going on and He needed me to give Him a heads up.

“Oh by the way Everlasting God, the LORD, Creator of the ends of the earth have you forgotten me…?”

“Why do you say, O Nicole, my way is hidden from the LORD and the justice do me escapes the notice of my God?”

Yep, face to face with Isaiah 40:27-28.

Guilty!
Head down.
Head down, but leaned into the everlastingly loving, kind, patient chest of my God.

And I can almost feel His kiss on the top of my forehead as He looks deep into my heart and says “those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. Do not go down to Egypt for help, I am your very present help in times of trouble”

Oh Father, thank You for Your word…

>”The angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favor with God.” (Luke 1:30)

The past few weeks I have been praying that God would grant me favor. That He would find favor with me in some certain areas that I have been praying over and about. This morning as I was spending time with Him I once again prayed for favor, it’s written down in my journal “Oh Father show me Your favor.”

After my personal time, I turned in my Bible to the first chapter of Luke to work on my Sunday morning Small Group lesson. I read Luke 1:30 and it’s like the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “Do you really know what you are asking for Nicole? Go and see what it really means to have the favor of God.”

So I went for my Strong’s Concordance and began a word search on the word “favor”.

Hmmmm let’s see…

In Genesis 39:21 I read that Joseph had found favor with God.
In Exodus 3:21 I read that the children of Israel had found favor with God.
In 1 Samuel 2:26 I read that Samuel had favor with God. 
In Esther I read that she found favor with God.
In Job I read that he had found favor with God.
In Daniel 1:9 I read that Daniel had found favor with God.
Then of course there is, John the Baptist, Mary, Jesus… all these found favor with God.

Hmmmm now lets’ see…

Well Joseph was sold as a slave into a foreign land by his brothers and put into prison for a crime he didn’ t commit. That’s favor?
Israel is chased by the entire Egyptian army and pursued after their deliverance and has been through a Holocaust and still to this day is hated by the world. That’s favor?
Samuel had to go to the man who taught and trained him and tell him that God was removing him and his entire family from their position and then he had to deal with Saul. That’s favor?
Esther was taken from her home as a captive and forced to parade before a king hoping to win his hand and then had to stand up to this king at the risk of her life to save her people. That’s favor?
Job lost everything he had and then had to put up with sucky friends. That’s favor?
Daniel was taken captive as a child, falsely accused multiple times, and thrown in a lion’s den. That’s favor?
John the Baptist lived in the wilderness, was hated by Herod, thrown in prison and beheaded. That’s favor?
Mary was found pregnant when engaged to be married and had to flee for her life so as not to be stoned then had to watch her firstborn Son endure the cross. (If you have ever had to watch your child suffer you know the pain of this moment.) That’s favor?
Jesus… by His stripes we were healed, He bore the sins of the entire world on His shoulder’s. Was obedient to the point of death even death on the cross. Laid aside the glory of heaven and took the form of man. Just to die for the ungodly. That’s favor?

Yes, that’s favor. The favor of God. The favor of God does not mean a life of wine and roses. It means a life of water and thorns. It’s living a life of knowing that the fulfilled purpose of God is worth any temporary discomfort in the present. So if you are like me and you have been praying for the favor of God. Do you know what you are really asking? Have you counted the cost?

The Lord had to stop me for a moment and check me. He had to remind me that getting His favor was not the same as me getting my way. So was my prayer really “Oh Father show me Your favor” or was it “Oh Father give me what I want.” I honestly think that as I wrote that and have been praying it these past few weeks it was the latter.

So now with a freshly humbled heart, one that has been striped by the belt of Truth I must reconsider my prayer…

Do I still now in full knowledge seek the favor of God?

Yes, I do.
But no longer according to my will…
Oh Father, Thy will be done.

>“A real lady always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She’s always well dressed, hair done. She never swears, behaves gracefully in all situations and all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you, too, suspect that you might be a man.”
(borrowed from the facebook status of a friend) 

When I first was married I kept an immaculate house. People would comment that you could eat off of my kitchen floors, and truthfully you probably could. When people would come to visit I would lliterally follow behind them with a broom and dust pan and clean up the dirt that they tracked in right behind them. If a glass was set down on the coffee table or end table it was picked up by me and washed and returned to the cabinet before the person even noticed it was missing (used to drive my husband nuts). You see I come from a long line of neat freak perfectionist on my mother’s side of the family and well honestly so is my father. You can go into his shop and everything has it’s place and is labeled as to what drawer what tool goes in. 

I maintained this standard of cleanliness, driving myself and I am sure everyone else crazy. Then we began attending church and then my life was radically changed. I began studying the Word of God for hours at a time and then I began teaching. Then we got custody of our oldest and she moved in with us from North Carolina and also our youngest was born at this same time. We went from a small trailer and a family of three/sometimes four to a house and a full-time family of five that included a teenager, a toddler, and a newborn.

I was teaching Sunday School and then the Lord called me to teach a Sunday night class and then also at this time He called me to not just take Precept classes, but to teach them. Something had to go. It was a Mary vs Martha moment (Luke 10:38-42). I had a choice to make between an immaculately clean home or sitting at the feet of my Lord. There was no way I could do both and maintain any resemblance of sanity in my home. I wish I could say this was an immediate easy transition, but it wasn’t. 

As I said it was in my nature to be clean, not just picked up, but cloroxed doors and base boards once a month, and floors and bathrooms cleaned daily, dishes always done, laundry always going, beds always made, no dust ever in sight. Clutter and muck would physically affect me. If things got to cluttered around me, my temperament became cluttered. I shutter to think of the “Momma rampages” my children have endured because of a messy house as I would become frustrated, irritated, and jumpy. It still does this to me at at times.

So I would fight the guilt of a not perfect home. If I ever made the mistake of saying, ‘well I’ll just start a load before my quiet time’, then the next thing I would know the kids would be up and I would be scrubbing the toilet while my Bible still lay unopened on the kitchen table. Then would come the guilt of realizing I had chosen wrong. Now I was irritated for the rest of the day because with kids up, I would not get my “quiet time.” I had missed my opportunity to sit at Jesus’s feet because of a load of laundry. Yes, this still happens to me at times.  

I love the many ways that God uses His church. He brings us together for a purpose and that purpose is for our benefit. If you are forsaking the assembly, stop. If you attend church as a check list and never get involved relationally with those who are around you, stop. God has built His church, He has designed it in such a way that the gates of hell cannot touch it. He did this because we need His church. We need each other. In so many ways, take the plunge my friend, stop forsaking the assembly for whatever reason you have and stop just getting in and out as quickly as possible. Make friends. Join a small group. Attend the functions. Get involved. Trust me it is for your benefit.

As I was struggling with my Mary vs Martha moment (that really has not been a moment but a work in progress) the Lord placed wonderful women in my life who helped me get perspective and peace. Oh how I needed these women, how I still need them.

One of my now dearest friends invited us over to their home to go swimming. I was a nervous wreck and only called to see if we could come on this day because it was so freaking hot outside and my child was driving me crazy. Making friends was hard for me. I didn’t have a very big trust factor in people at this time. But I called, she said come on over, so we did.

We walked in and the house was a wreck, like mine, but she hadn’t felt the need to go into the mad rush of crazy screaming at everyone while cleaning because company was coming over. She was just real. She jokes that God has given her the ministry of making others feel better about their own house. The truth is God has given that to her as a ministry. I am not sure if she even to this day understands the load that the Lord was able to finally lift off of my shoulders because of her.  

So now ten years later, the priority in the house cleaning is to make sure nothing is growing in the fridge. It is to make sure there is at least a path through the toys to get to the door in case the house catches on fire. It is to clean the toilet when that nasty ring shows up around the top of the water. It is to wash the dishes when we can’t use either side of the sink because both are full. It’s to clean the floor when we can’t find the hardwood underneath the dog hair. It’s to do laundry when we run out of towels and clean underwear. It’s to find the dining room table when company is coming for dinner. It’s to make the beds when we are going to be out of town and they won’t be slept in for a few days (gotta make it worth it, right). And it’s maybe once every couple of months doing everything all in the same day just to remind myself (and my husband) that I could still keep an immaculate house if I wanted to.  

Yes, I still have those moments where Martha wins over Mary… but they grow less and less and that’s what walking in victory is all about, getting better one step at a time, one day at time, always pressing forward.

>I have out the journals. Now these journal entries will be shared with the utmost discretion. My mother and close friends have been told of there whereabouts and have been instructed that if the Lord so wills to bring me home in a quick manner they are to burn these journals before they are read by anyone. You see they hold my insanity. I learned a long time ago that if I would put my emotions on paper, in writing, it cleared my head and my heart and helped me to think more rationally. In my Christian walk I have learned that I can stop Satan’s lies if I put them down on paper and then hold them up to the Word of God. So many times I don’t even realize it is a lie of that serpent of old until I see it in writing.

I have open in my lap now a journal entry from January 23, 2002. At this point I had been a wife for two and a half years, a step-mother for two and a half years, a mother for seven months, and a newly wholly surrendered believer for one month.

My prayer in my journal on January 23, 2002…
“Lord I pray that You will teach me to submit to my husband. I pray that you will help me bite my tongue and my pride so that I will live more according to Your will. You are the Almighty God who in all things are possible so I know You can do this! “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Phil 4:13) “Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children,to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the Word of God.” (Titus 2:4-5)”

My prayer in my journal on January 24, 2002…
“I pray that You will continue to speak to my heart and I pray that I will hear Your words. I also pray that You’ll help me to submit to Patrick, Lord I will have a hard struggle with this and I need Your hand on this situation because I don’t believe I really know how to submit. Father, I just want to make You proud!”

I find it absolutely not a coincidence that the first area that God opened my eyes to was my marriage and my place in it. You see I was a hard-hearted woman. I had lost faith in men as a whole. I was a jaded, independent, self-sufficient, stubborn red-headed Halbrooks. I needed no one, so I thought. When I married I told myself and others that I would never be a “kept” woman. I depended on no one but myself  and really trusted no one, including my husband. My husband telling me as much was what shook me to the point of picking up my Bible again.

The first small group class that the Lord put me in was Manna for Moms and Sue Fallin was the teacher. The first class I recall sitting through was on submission, and I remember well my neck stiffening and my back straightening in defiance to what she was saying. I believe I even had a little snitful comment to make about it also. However, she spoke truth, and it is the truth that sets you free. So I have spent the last twelve years learning how to submit to my husband. This is not a 6 week, 12 step, fix it and forget it subject. This is a learn as you go till death do you part subject.   

I thank God for the godly women that He has placed in my life. He surrounded me with Titus 2:4-5. He placed me with those who could teach me how to love my husband and my children. I could learn from them and I am so glad that I have chosen to listen. I know that I am not there yet, I could probably turn to my 2011 journal and find an entry that once again cries out to God to help me submit to my husband.

If I can give a word of advice to any married couple it would be this: If you are struggling in anyway in your marriage (and by the way if you are not struggling now I can almost bet there will come a day that you will, it’s just life and love) make a connection with a couple that has succeeded. Find that couple that after 30, 40, 50 years together they still hold hands when they walk out of church or smile at each other and compliment each other. You can see their love and commitment to each other and to the Lord in their eyes. Find them, and talk with them, and listen and learn from them.