My husband scrolled through my newsfeed yesterday and laughed and commented that people must be wondering about my mental state because my posts are all over the place, I am in wildernesses, climbing mountains, starting over, and all kind of mess. As he said this I thought to myself, well if you think my posts are all over the place you should try taking a look at the stuff that is actually scrolling through this head of mine. The newsfeed ain’t nothin’ compared to the full fledge real thing.

I never claimed to be sane… ever.

As I walk through my wilderness and I continue to seek the face of my Heavenly Father I am amazed at His grace for me. I am also overwhelmed at how He is slowly revealing the things that got me here so that I can name it, process it, deal with it, delete it, and move on.

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14

The simple truth is that Satan has been watching me for a while and he knows what works to blind me, confuse me, and hurt me. He knows how to get me to that place of inward turning and churning. The worst part about it is the way you can somewhat sense it is him, but at the same time the way in which he works his cloud of chaos can so get us off balance that we can’t see clearly for just trying to see anything at all.

As I work through my Priscilla Shirer study and my David Jeremiah study and continue to dig into the book of John the Lord is helping me find my footing once again. He is stilling the the rocking and nerve wracking and bringing clarity to my confusion.

He has reminded me of the weaknesses that once again Satan has been able to use to trip me up and has given me once again a lesson in sword sharpening. Once again feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and my desire to people-please has led me straight into the chains of discouragement.

As I have been digging into the book of Nehemiah the Lord opened my eyes to where the d-darts of the devil began to shoot and when my defenses had finally been worn down to the point that his fiery arrows were able to find their mark.

Thus in Judah it was said, “The strength of the burden bearers is failing, yet there is much rubbish; and we ourselves are unable to rebuild the wall.”

Nehemiah 4:10

I am a task oriented person, and a perfectionist, and a forward thinker. Things must be moving forward. Accomplishments must be being made. Lasting accomplishments. I must be able to walk back in and breathe and say, ahhhh it’s done. Things must be done right, when asked, or really just forget it and I’ll do it myself. I don’t handle ruts, traffic jams, or inconsideration well at all. I ask very little of others and when that very little gets ignored I lose trust and faith in that person and will not ask anything of them again.

Thus the fiery darts of inadequacy, guilt, and people-pleasing work wonderfully to lead me into discouragement and I find myself unable to see anything but the rubbish before me and after trying to remove it alone for so long my strength fails and I realize I cannot do it… inadequacy hits, guilt from inadequacy hits, and the realization that I must not be pleasing the people or they would help, encourage, listen, care, etc… hits. The arrow of discouragement hits its mark and I am now closely walking on the edge of despair… therefore emergency shut down begins.

I went into emergency shut down… When we find ourselves in ESD the only thing that can open us up is the Word of God. In case of emergency… dial 119!

Psalm 119 that is. Go straight to the Word.

Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life.

John 6:68

I have realized that discouragement can disguise itself and it can slowly creep in on you… it begins with disappointments. We can get through a little disappointment… usually.

Disappointment can be like a tree  limb that has fallen across your path or a stone that has rolled off the side of the mountain and fell in your way. One tree limb and one stone at a time can easily be maneuvered around, or through, or even moved, but when that limb becomes a whole tree or that one stone becomes a landslide… then disappointment becomes discouragement.

Disappointments are going to come. We can do nothing about it. Jesus never held any punches with us that tribulation WILL come.

In the world you have tribulation…

~ Jesus (John 16:33)

However, what I love about Jesus’ point blank in our face, hey honey tribulation is comin’ is that He nestles this fact right in between two other very important promises…

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

There it is. Tribulation. Tucked right in between peace and courage. When we find ourselves in the midst of disappointments, smack dab in the muck of tribulation… it’s time to look back to our Peace.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

As we look back at our Peace… then even in the midst of our tribulation we can then look forward to courage… remembering that He has overcome the world! We have hope… and hope DOES NOT disappoint.

Here’s a message by Charles Stanley, Overcoming Discouragement 

An just in case the fiery darts that hit you and wound are the same as the one’s that easily wound me, those of inadequacy, guilt, and people-pleasing. Here are some verses to memorize so that you can place a healing balm on those wounds…

Inadequacy:

Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

(2 Corinthians 3:5-6)

Guilt:

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

(Romans 8:1)

People-pleasing:

so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;

(Colossians 1:10)

but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who examines our hearts.

(1 Thessalonians 2:4)

The Lord is King forever and ever;

Nations have perished from His land.

O Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble;

You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear

To vindicate the orphan and the oppressed,

So that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror.

Psalm 10:16-18

For me one of the greatest miracles of God is going to be experienced in eternity. The fact that He is going to be able to wipe away every tear and heal every hurt. The fact that we will be able to spend eternity peacefully and joyfully and whole with others who have cut us to the bone in this life amazes me. I wonder, if like as Christ, we will wear our scars for all eternity. Will we finally be able to see how these wounds were in relation to suffering with our Savior? Will we be able to see which scars really were the brand marks of Christ and which ones were just the effects of a sinful, stupid, and selfish world. Will we see how this pain brought glory to the One who died for our sin and the One who sent Him to die on our behalf?

Or will we simply rest in the sovereign truth that the only scars that matter are the ones in the hands and feet and side of our Savior.

Yes… I believe so…

His scars are the only ones that will matter in eternity… because His heal all of ours. We will stand before Him without spot and blemish… as we bow face down in worship in adoration at his nail scared feet.

I don’t question why pain and hurt come. For me that’s obvious. We are dying and our world is dying. The more the world rejects our Creator the more the presence of sin reigns. Apart from God sin abounds. Only His grace is sufficient to surpass it. Denial of that grace leaves us under the condemnation of sin and under the terror of man.

Only God is greater.

“Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.”

John 14:1

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“If Your law had not been my delight, then I would have perished in my affliction.”

Psalm 119:92

Anytime we discount the grace of God, any time we discount the Law of God we will find ourselves sinking in the mire.  Anytime we find ourselves placing trust in man… we will eventually be disappointed or hurt. Jesus knew that better than anyone…

“But Jesus, on His part, was not entrusting Himself to them, for He knew all men, and because He did not need anyone to testify concerning man, for He Himself knew what was in man.”

John 2:23-25

So how do we move past this… how do I move past this? I have been here before. Actually, I have lost count on how many times I have been here within this very same context and others. Somehow God restored and God redeemed. So I will wait. I will trust Him to once again work a miracle in the depths of my soul and cleanse my mind and purify my heart with the washing of His Word. I know He will accomplish it. He always has before…

My gut reaction wants to clean sweep and walk away… just let it go. Shake the dust off my feet and all that, but I know my God and He will not allow this cycle to continue or this tape to keep replaying in my mind. He will indeed save me from myself. I just can’t quite see how. I was blind before and He gave me sight, so somehow, someway, He will do it again. He promises that if we seek Him, He will let us find Him. He promises that by His stripes we are healed and He promises that if we go boldly to His throne of grace we will find mercy and we can’t go boldly if we don’t go truthfully.

I feel like I am starting all over again. So it’s a good thing that I serve a God of do-overs and try agains and clean slates and rewrites. And I know that in all of this there is a lesson for me… to give me more compassion, empathy, sympathy, humility, mercy, grace, and hope. Somehow God will, is using this, to conform me more and more into the image of His Son. Teaching me how to think with this mind of Christ that He has given me in Him. His mind struggles against my mind. My thoughts with His thoughts. Thank God greater is He!

In my inbox this morning came a word from Mr Swindoll…

“The only thing we can be thankful for when it comes to blowing it is that nobody keeps a record of ours. Or do they? Or do you with others?

Come on, ease off. If our perfect Lord is gracious enough to take our worst, our ugliest, our most boring, our least successful, our leaning-tower failures, our Edsel flops, and forgive them, burying them in the depths of the sea, then it’s high time we give each other a break.

In fact, He promises full acceptance along with full forgiveness in print for all to read . . . without an erratum sheet attached. Isn’t that encouraging? Can’t we be that type of encourager to one another? After all, imperfection is one of the few things we still have in common. It links us close together in the same family!

So then, whenever one of us blows it and we can’t hide it, how about a little support from those who haven’t been caught yet?

Oops, correction. How about a lot of support?”

A reminder today that every one blows it… I know I have countless times.

And then a word from the Word…

“Your testimonies are wonderful;

Therefore my soul observes them.

The unfolding of Your words gives light;

It gives understanding to the simple.

I opened my mouth wide and panted,

For I longed for Your commandments.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

After Your manner with those who love Your name.

Establish my footsteps in Your word,

And do not let any iniquity have dominion over me.

Redeem me from the oppression of man,

That I may keep Your precepts.

Make Your face shine upon Your servant,

And teach me Your statutes.”

Psalm 119:129-135

His grace will find me… and I will find oceans of His grace. Feet fail, but faith does not.

A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city,

And contentions are like the bars of a citadel.

Proverbs 18:19

I keep asking God is this selfishness? Am I overreacting? Is this illegitimate hurt? Why has this stung to the core of my very being? Dear God, don’t allow my heart to grow hard…

I have never wanted to recluse so bad in my entire life. The introvert in me is at level highest ever. The walls of protection around my heart are not being built with straw, but strong concrete blocks… something that the big bad wolf that threatens to destroy all the faith that I had ever placed in friendship could never huff and puff and blow down.

This doesn’t seem to sting my father, but it stings me deep. It stings with the wrath of a hornets nest, no, more like a tracker jacker’s nest. Because it has made me utter delusional. Delusional that I keep going back. I keep looking, hoping maybe I have missed something… may it’s not what it appears. Maybe they just didn’t care to send cards or hope our way, but they are sending them to him.

We consoled ourselves with the reality that the others didn’t worship there. They just don’t see them, life gets busy, Sunday is busy. Of course it just slips their mind. They care, surely they are praying with us, for them, for us…

I could handle all the rest. I could. I could justify the lack. It’s me and Jesus. I got that. I do. Our expectations were too high. I get that. Whenever you expect anything you will be let down. Expect nothing and even the three cards will be enough… right. Three cards… three. That’s it. Three cards since May. Three cards and one gift of a book and a hand made blanket. 

Tell me. Please someone tell me. How can anyone expect me to worship in a place where no one wears white. 

There is an appointed time for everything.

And there is a time for every event under heaven…

Ecclesiastes 3:1

When is it okay to share publicly how excited you are to once again attend church when that church is a new church? The joy that has been restored to our souls has nothing to do with being coddled by the people or entertained by the stage show. The joy is from the Lord.

As we entered the doors of this new place God met us there. The Sunday School lessons, the music within the service, the message of the Pastor, the Wednesday night classes, the parent/youth meeting that shared the vision and goal of the youth ministry for the year and encouraged the parents to participate in the church life of their children including discipleship classes that were geared to train and equip parents to disciple their own children and to build relationships with them during this most difficult time of their lives. The youth activity list which consisted of only 4 activities off campus all the way through February. I could go on and on…

My husband and I just sat there giddy, elbowing each other and smiling, because this was everything we had been looking for in consideration of our family.

We walked out one Sunday and the deacons of the church were serving the widows lunch. I have yet to see one woman walk around hauling tables, boxes, or garbage while grown men sat and watched. If water spills over from the sink onto the counter in the ladies bathroom, the ladies there don’t leave it to soak the next ladies clothes… they dry it up before they toss their paper towels in the garbage. These things may seem trivial but they speak volumes to us.

Even at the church where I am serving as the Weekday Education Director. If I need tables moved the men do it. The cleaning ladies come and clean the floors and bathrooms every morning before our preschool begins and they come every evening to check on things. I am able to to do my job with joy because those who are supposed to be doing their job… do it.

Last Sunday as I sat and listened to the Word being shared from the pulpit I simply took a deep breathe in and breathed out while my heart said, “the soil is good.” I have realized that my families feet had been trying to suck nutrients out of soil that simply had no life in it for us anymore. As a matter of fact the soil was actually sucking what life we had out of us to feed itself instead of supplying life to us.  There no longer was any even exchange, no circular motion of photosynthesis. It simply was time for us to be replanted.

It is as the Lord God breathed the words through Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes, there is an appointed time for everything…

A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.

(Ecclesiastes 3:2)

Trust me I know all the reasons why not to change churches. I have written about it, Hurt By The Church, read books and blogs about it, and counseled others on it. I have the same issues as any believer would with those who simply church hop to keep from becoming involved or committed. My husband and I were in this place several years ago and as we visited other churches seeing if the Lord was moving us, it just didn’t sit well. My husband explained it as, “it felt like we were cheating on our spouse.”

As we visited and prayed and were actually getting ready one Sunday morning for a first time second visit we heard from God. I was in the shower and my husband was driving home from a night shift. God spoke to both of us, even though we were in separate places, we both clearly knew that God had told us to stay put, but not to stay silent.

My husband came in the door and we shared our experience with one another and then he got ready and left to meet with our Pastor and I began a full force leap into the Children’s Ministry. God actually used the places we had visited to educate me into what I needed to do in that ministry.  We obeyed God and we stayed.

This time when we visited… well, actually we felt called before we visited. The visiting simply was for seeking confirmation. Fifteen years ago, when we walked into the church that we used to attend, it immediately felt like home… and now once again we have walked into a church and it feels like home. The Lord has met us there time after time and spoken through the messages and the people… it’s been both encouraging and liberating.

A pastor can feel called to leave a church and no one questions it… but there is blog after blog by pastor’s about how horrible and devastating and cruel and childish it is for members to leave, as if the pastor is the only one who can be called of God to serve somewhere else.

Not everyone leaves because of the color of the carpet, or which side the piano should go on, or whether or not the drums are too loud. Every once in a while there is indeed legitimate reasons, legitimate convictions, and legitimate hurts. No the church can’t please everyone, but mocking and becoming offended by the reasons they give instead of asking God if this is a valid claim that needs attention called to it… to me that’s arrogance.

Sometimes the Lord let’s the well run dry so that we will pack up and move on… we entered the doors of this new church broken, hungry, hurting, feeling absolutely abandoned and rejected. Today we walked in and I noticed this verse on the wall:

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

There is light in my daughters eyes again. There is hope in my husbands. And there is laughter in mine. We don’t know yet what specific place in ministry we will have here, but that’s okay… right now we are in desperate need of being ministered too and we are finding that here. 

One of the hardest parts has been not attending church with my parents. I loved serving with my parents. I also miss the kids that I got to love on and teach the Word too and I miss encouraging their parents… but this missing is not as hard as watching the continual reminder of hurt scroll through my newsfeed. 

We have chosen to not post about about the encouraging moments we have experienced or “check in” at our new location… out of respect for those we still so love at our old church… but this time of silence is coming to a close. The Lord has moved us to another well, we have found Rehoboth, and we are ready to openly praise Him for it.

But when Isaac’s servants dug in the valley and found there a well of flowing water, the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with the herdsmen of Isaac, saying, “The water is ours!” So he named the well Esek, because they contended with him. Then they dug another well, and they quarreled over it too, so he named it Sitnah. He moved away from there and dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it; so he named it Rehoboth, for he said, “At last the Lord has made room for us, and we will be fruitful in the land.” Then he went up from there to Beersheba. The Lord appeared to him the same night and said,

So he built an altar there and called upon the name of the Lord, and pitched his tent there; and there Isaac’s servants dug a well.

Genesis 26:19-25