All posts by Nicole Vaughn

>The Squeeze

>Disclosure: Post recommended for ladies only… 🙂

Well yesterday was the mammogram.
I was to be at the hospital bright and early for my 8:30 appointment. I walk in and sign in on the info sheet. And I sit and wait.
After a short moment I am motioned to come back into the office. I am then told that because of the way my doctor’s order is coded my insurance will not cover this screening.
I immediately become indignant.
Then I take a deep breath and remember my lesson from my Father yesterday about my attitude adjustment.

“Remember this, and be assured;
Recall it to mind, you transgressors”
(Isaiah 46:8)
I do not want to step back into the ick of yesterday so I just breathe.
Then another woman comes out to explain again. To show me the order. To point out how the insurance world works. She tells me they can do the mammogram, but my insurance will kick it back and it will cost me over $900.00.
Now I can’t breathe.
Indignance rises up again.
My first thought is to just leave and show my insurance whose boss by leaving and then, well, hey if I end up having cancer then next year I’ll guess they’ll pay for the chemo. Then it hits me how absolutely insane that is. Then my next thought is, well maybe I really don’t even need this. I’ll just leave, and this is my excuse to not deal with this until I’m 40 yrs old. But what if it’s too late then… 
So I breathe again. And I remember my lesson from yesterday and I pray.
And then, after I pray, I call my doctor that ordered the mammogram to see what is going on.
As I sit there listening to an automative recording telling me “please hold, all our receptionist are busy at this time, we will answer your call as soon as possible” my thoughts are racing.
After about 5 minutes of holding (which was God making me hold, because I am the person who just hangs up and calls back later) tears are welling up in my eyes as I am brought face to face with one of my greatest struggles. My putting trust in money instead of my God. This is hard to swallow, because Jesus said we can’t serve two masters (Matt 6:24), and I only want to serve my Savior.
You see I sat there in that chair with that phone to my ear dealing with my indignance and trying to come face to face with the reality of what was behind it. I had really just seriously thought that the $900 cost of the mammogram was worth more than my life. I literally had planned to just leave.
But God just would not let me get up from that chair. I felt almost foolish just sitting there, but I could not move. He physically kept me planted. I had to sit and be still and work all this out with my God. 
(Have you ever considered how you never really have a clue what might be going through someone’s head at a particular moment? To those looking at me from the outside. I was woman waiting for someone to answer the phone. But on the inside I was having a get down and serious conversation with the Creator of the Universe. My heart was being laid open and bare before my eyes at that very moment by the One who formed me from birth and no one else had a clue.
Not only had I became indignant. But I had counted what my God said was precious as worthless. I had counted my girls’ mother, my husband’s wife, my parent’s daughter, my very life, not to mention my Savior’s blood that was shed for this life as not worth $900. I was ready to get up and walk out and say (excuse my language) “to hell with it.”
For what? $900
I sat there trying to weigh which was worse. Paying for the test to find out that there was no reason to need it or not paying for it and discovering to late that if I had of known at this test… well. So my thought process was that I would rather pay $900 for really bad news then $900 for really good news. Exactly how does that make any sense?

God is teaching me.

What God had to show me was that one of my greatest struggles is that my peace has been connected to my bank account and not Him. I’ve got peace like a river and love like an ocean when the numbers are high like the incoming tide but the minute the tide rolls out for a while I’m in a state of panic.
Romans 6:16 says 
Do you not know
that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience,
you are slaves of the one whom you obey,
either of sin resulting in death,
or of obedience resulting in righteousness?
Who was I obeying?
What was controlling me?
What determined my emotions for the day?
What decided whether or not I was happy?
What pulled my joy string?
What determined whether or not I went through with a possible life saving test?

Money? Really? I almost walked out without even asking God what I should do. Letting money control me and not my God. How ludicrous of me.
Why on earth should I put my life in something as changing as money?

Had I set up an idol in my heart?

What God had to show me was that I was putting my trust in money and not Him. I depended on this bank account to fix everything. I was in fact about to let money decide my future. My security was not resting in my Mighty God, instead my security rested in money.

It’s amazing what God can work out in your heart and mind in such a short amount of time. As God is laying bear the iniquity of my heart as He is putting to shame the idol that I was trusting in… the receptionist received my call.

It was indeed a coding mistake. The doctor re-sent the order for the mammogram. My insurance would cover. I had the test.

Yes God knew I needed this test.
Not necessarily the mammogram, but this test of faith.

“Behold, I have refined you,
but not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction”
(Isaiah 48:10)
I have learned that sometimes we go through trials that are meant to refine us and develops the image of Christ that is already at work in us. And sometimes we go through trials that are a furnace of affliction that is meant to destroy anything in us that has been set up as an idol in our heart and mind.
Both are from God. Both are needed.
I give thanks to God for them (1 Thess 5:18) and I consider them all joy (James 1:2). 
This afternoon as I continued to study in the book of Isaiah as I worked on my precept homework, I was encouraged through the study to turn to a passage of Scripture.

Make sure that your character is free from the love of money,
being content with what you have;
for He Himself has said,
“I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU,
NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU,” 
so that we confidently say,
   â€śTHE LORD IS MY HELPER,
I WILL NOT BE AFRAID.
WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?”
(Hebrews 13:5-6)
This was no coincidence. My God has me in this study at this time for His good pleasure, to accomplish His purpose in me, His will, not mine.
I know that it is God’s will that I be conformed into the image of His Son.
From glory to glory He will do this, because I cannot.  ď»ż
I do not want to be controlled by anything other than my God.
I desire to only be the slave of righteousness and the willing bond-servant of Christ.
But thanks be to God
that though you were slaves of sin,
you became obedient
from the heart
to that form of teaching to which you were committed, 
and having been freed from sin,
you became slaves of righteousness. 
I am speaking in human terms because of the weakness of your flesh.
For just as you presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness,
resulting in further lawlessness,
so now present your members as slaves to righteousness,
resulting in sanctification
 (Romans 6:17-19)
I am so thankful that God never forgets the weakness of our flesh and I am also grateful that He also keeps me reminded of the weakness of my flesh. I am in the process of sanctifiation… the act of squeezing all the gunk out of me so that all that is left is the glory of my Savior.

The squeeze of sanctification is alot like the squeeze of the mammogram.

Unless you have had one, you just don’t realize how your chest is connected to your head.
When the chest is squeezed, the head is connected to the pressure and can’t move either.

In like manner our hearts are directly connected to our minds. As a man thinks within himself so is he (Proverbs 23:7). When our hearts are squeezed, the seed bed of our emotions and feelings, then our decisions will be made according to what state our mind is currently in because usually at this point we become immobilized.

Trials and tests and affliction are part of our sanctification and it is preventive and emergency care for sin. It is a squeezing process to show us the depravity of our minds, to reveal the iniquity of our hearts, and to remove it by the renewal of our mind.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Rom 12:2) 

The squeeze is always worth it, no matter the cost, when abundant life is involved.

>God Knows Your Lingo

>All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and
to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are
wrong and teaches us to do what is right. (2 Tim 3:16)

The year was 1897. In a village garbage dump at
Oxyrhynchus, Egypt, two British archaeologists
unearthed some scraps of paper—the discarded
contents of a wastepaper basket. When the men read
the first few words on the “trash,” they knew they had
discovered something big—very big.

The Greek New Testament has a vocabulary of nearly
5,500 words, of which some 500 words were unique to
the New Testament, not seen in any prior Greek literature.
Some Bible scholars thought the unique words had been
created by the Holy Spirit to suit the purpose of God’s
revelation. But with the uncovering of the Oxyrhynchus
scraps of paper, it became clear that the words of the New
Testament simply reflect the common language of the street.
As we read, “All Scripture is inspired by God” (2 Tim.
3:16), doesn’t it shed new light on the Author of Scripture?
God is holy, but He’s also deeply personal. He doesn’t
speak to us in grandiloquence (extravagant language),
but in a way that captures the meaning of an abbreviation
that people sometimes text: “HTHT” (heart-to-heart talk).

— Poh Fang Chia

This is our God. How absolutely awesome is He? There are not enough words to describe is attributes. It is His desire to communicate with us. He knows the language He needs to use for us to “get Him”. When we read of the account of the Holy Spirit coming to indwell believers on the day of Pentecost in Acts 2 we read,

“When the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place. And suddenly there came from heaven a noise like a violent rushing wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting. And there appeared to them tongues as of fire distributing themselves, and they rested on each one of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit was giving them utterance. Now there were Jews living in Jerusalem, devout men from every nation under heaven. And when this sound occurred, the crowd came together, and were bewildered because each one of them was hearing them speak in his own language.” (Acts 2:1-6)   

Each one of them was hearing them speak in his own language. God comes to us. He knows our language. He knows our lingo. He will meet us were we are at. He will send someone to us who knows our language to share His truth with us. That language is not necessarily a different speaking dialect.

Have you ever used the saying, “Now your speaking my language“?

Sometimes that language is someone who somehow knows exactly what is in your heart and on your mind at exactly that time and is able to absolutely and completely relate to you and is able to relate the truth of the Word of God to you in a way that speaks to you where you are at, at that very moment in your life.
Our God is good like that.

Sometimes I mean to say one thing but something else comes out. Something totally random usually. An example happened today. My husband asked what time I was leaving to go pick up our girls from their church camp (Winshape) today.
To which I replied, “I’ll plan to leave here around 5pm because they get out at 5pm and by the time they load the kids and drive from Birmingham it will be about 5:30pm before they get back to the church.” 

Now I suppose that sounds like a perfectly normal statement… except for the fact that what I meant to say was First Bible not Birmingham.
Birmingham is an hour south from First Bible and is a city not a church. I have no clue where Birmingham came from, but it came out of my mouth anyway.

I do stuff like that all the time.
Fortunately the people around me know my language or are at least learning it. Actually some of them even speak it. And yes I believe that’s one of the reasons that God put us in each others paths.

God knows our lingo. He can speak our language. He speaks to us plainly and His Word translates to the dialect of our hearts and transcends to the depths of our very souls. 
Yes, He is indeed good like that.

“His disciples said, “Lo, now You are speaking plainly…”
(John 16:29)

>New Attitude

>I promise I have good days. I have absolutely glorious days actually. Or maybe I should say that I have absolutely glorious moments in somewhat good every days…
This morning started well. I was up when the alarm went off. The coffee was making, I actually hung some laundry out on the line while the coffee was finishing up and walked back inside to the ding of the ready pot. I gathered my things and headed out to my sacred spot outside to sit with my Lord, to pray, and to go over my morning lesson in Luke 2 one more time.
All was going well.
I had an 8am teachers meeting this morning. I knew this would cut into my sacred morning time… but I had resounded that I would have a good attitude and would be on time. My prayer, well I’ll just share a little of it with you…

Oh Father,
Guard my ways carefully, watch that there not be a rebellious spirit rise up in me or a spirit of grumbling and complaining. That would be it in a nutshell wouldn’t it? Grumbling, rebellion, ungratefulness… it’s not pretty. Oh Father guard my mouth today…

Hmmmpph… guess how I left the house this wonderful morning late for my 8am meeting?

Yes, all was great until it came time to put clothing on this body. I stood in the closet staring at my clothes knowing it would be one of those days, but somehow unable to stop it. I walked out of the closet and decided that I would deal with that later… hair and make-up first.

Now back to the closet. The problem… yes if you recall it’s the week that nothing fits right. It’s the week that the mere thought of anything form fitting to my midsection makes me cramp and gain 10lbs. This is the week that my doctor’s recommended hysterectomy sounds more and more tempting, but then there’s that whole hope of a slight miraculous conception that I’m holding on to… so I still just cannot bring myself to do the hysterectomy yet. So I continue with this struggle of mine, of hormone induced emotional ick and physical exhaustion and painful uncomfortablness.

But you see it wasn’t my fault I was allowing this to control me. Of course not! It could not possibly be me. It was this ridiculous 8am meeting. I mean really how dare they not accommodate me in the planning of this meeting. After morning worship would be much better for me… so everyone needs to adjust to my schedule… right?

Well I grumble and complain to myself all the way to church. Still visibly peterbed you might say as I run in and grab a seat. My attitude so needed adjusted. I was not going to do this! I knew this could happen today and I had told myself this would not happen. I had told myself I was going to go to the meeting and be excited about the upcoming changes and new year and be ultra supportive and submitting. NOT!

And worse, I left my poor husband at home with a daughter who had picked up my mood as I walked out the door. They got to church and my husband is frowning and my beautiful daughter has showed up with a tear streaked face because she too had stood in front of the closet door and had a meltdown over what to wear to church.

Another what not to wear tip: A Bad Attitude      

I used to think I was a pretty good old girl, a pretty good catch, until I started writing this blog…
I realize I am a mess… really just a flat out mess.
It’s a good thing that God takes our mess and makes it our message.
But hey, if I wasn’t a mess, I wouldn’t need a Messiah.

I would say that maybe tomorrow you will get a blog post that is a ray of sunshine and tells you all about how great and wonderful it is to be me. I would say that… but tomorrow is mammogram day. So don’t get your britches in a wad waiting on that ray of sunshine post…  đź™‚

I promise I have good days… I really do!

So did God not answer my morning prayer?
Yes, He did answer it.
I asked Him to watch for me and He did indeed watch and He let me know the whole time He was watching… and now I am confessing and resting in His forgiveness and next time I will know to listen when He is watching and stop and pray for strength to put to death these deeds of my flesh.

I gotta new attitude 🙂 Going old school!

>What Not To Wear

>I just had to share this…

God Cares
by Charles R. Swindoll
We’ve got David standing here mad at the Lord, when, in fact, the Lord was angry at David.
About now you might be thinking, Well, I thought you said he was a man after God’s heart.
I did—or, rather, God did.
Does that mean he’s perfect?
It does not.
Having a heart for God doesn’t mean you’re perfect, it means you’re sensitive.
It means every detail is important.
And when you see you’re wrong, you face it. You own up. You come to terms with it.
The problem was that David had not done his homework. We often get into trouble when we don’t do our homework—when we think we see pretty clearly what the Lord’s will is, and so in expediency or in convenience (usually in a hurry) we dash off to do it our way.
And the Lord says, “Look, I’ve written a lot of things in My Book about that decision you just made, and I want you to take counsel from Me. That’s why it’s not working. If you want to have a heart for Me, then you check My Word, and you find either a precept or a principle then go according to that. When you do that, I’ll give you joy like you can’t believe. If you don’t, I will make you miserable.” In fact, in David’s case, the Lord said, “I’ll even take some lives.”
Centuries later, Ananias and Sapphira did very much the same thing. They presumed on the Lord and didn’t take Him seriously. We see Uzzah the same way, taken from the earth because he touched an ultra-holy article of furniture that was not to be touched, especially by a non-Levite. Who cares about Levites? God does. Who cares about little ringlets and little golden poles that go through ringlets? God does. If He didn’t care, He wouldn’t have said anything about it. And because He cares, we must also care.
That’s the whole point here.
When we begin to care about the things God cares about, we become people after His heart, and only then do we begin to have real freedom and real happiness.
I don’t know about you, but I am pretty interested in being in the will of God. I am pretty interested in being a woman after God’s own heart. I am most definitely interested in freedom and happiness. I am not that fond of being outside the umbrella of God’s will and I really don’t like it when God is upset with me and I definitely am not fond of chains and sorrow…
The prison of this flesh of mine is already too much to handle on my own. I don’t need any extra chains to add to it… but I somehow manage to add them anyway. Then I try to carry them and tell God see I got it… I got it. Then the weight becomes to much to bear and as I am crumbling under the heavyness of it all I begin crying out to God to do something and then get upset at God when He doesn’t move as fast as I think He should.
Am I alone in this? 
Can anyone relate?
Oh Father, get these shackles off my feet so I can dance… because I just want to praise You…
It’s quite sad how often I look back through my journal and see how God has set me free from one set of shackles and I have danced in my freedom for about .02 seconds and then just scooted on off to jump into another new shiny set of shackles with a matching chain around my neck…
Yes so very sad.
So why should He free me just to have me jump into another new set of chains? 
I think when I was younger the chains didn’t seem so heavy… but the older, the wiser, the less impressed I get with the things of this world… the chains get heavier. 
I am too tired to carry these chains and they just don’t match my new outfit in Christ, this white dress of beautiful linen is supposed to be unstained by the world. The only accessory it needs is the robe of righteousness that my Heavenly Father has draped over me and this crown of life upon my head. Chains just do not go with the intricate simplicity of this outfits design. 

What not to wear? Chains!   

So now I continue to sit before my God and yes I realize I sit becasue I do carry some chains, but I know He has the key of release. And truthfully I want to learn this lesson with grace and for once and for all. So I sit and wait, as He teaches me how to wait. And as I learn to wait I can’t help but sing His praise.

After all it was praising Him that released Paul and Silas from their chains and so I too shall sing…
Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest… Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest…
Break my hearts for what breaks Yours…

>Stagnant Water Stinks

>

I’ve got peace like a river,
I’ve got peace like a river,
I’ve got peace like a river in my soul!
I’ve got love like an ocean,
I’ve got love like an ocean,
I’ve got love like an ocean in my soul!
I’ve got joy like a fountain,
I’ve got joy like a fountain,
I’ve got joy like a fountain in my soul!

Hmmmm…. have you ever noticed it doesn’t say I’ve got peace like a pond in my soul? 
Peace, love, and joy all coming from flowing, active, bursting bodies of water.

“For thus says the LORD,
“Behold, I extend peace to her like a river,
And the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream;
And you will be nursed,
you will be carried on the hip and fondled on the knees.”
(Isaiah 66:12)

As I was working on my lesson for this coming Sunday morning from Luke chapter 2 the Lord zeroed me in on what “the boy Jesus”(Luke 2:43) was doing in the temple. 
When we look at Luke 2:52 we read that “Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” What? Jesus had to increase in wisdom? He had to increase in favor? We must never forget that Jesus is our example. He lived it all, so that He could indeed sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 2:14-18).
So now the question is how did he do it? What was His process of increasing? What self-help point plan did He follow? I believe His how is all right here in these few passages that the divinely inspired, God-breathed Word of God has given us.
I believe the point plan has only two points. It has always only had two points. The point of the points is do you carry out the points?

So what are the points?

Point 1: Love God
When we look at Luke 2:46 we read that Jesus was in the temple “sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions.” Jesus was seeking God. He was discussing the Scriptures. Notice He was both listening and asking.
Let me ask you… can you ask questions in “big church”.
No you cannot. You only listen. What if in your listening you misunderstand? What do you do with your questions? Do you have them? Oh I hope so. Questions are part of seeking.
What we see here in this example of Christ is we need small groups. Did the disciples of Christ only sit in the crowd? No they followed Him closely. They sat with Him in small groups and asked Him questions and Jesus reasoned the Scriptures with them. This, my precious one, is how we increase in wisdom. It is not in just listening alone, but in asking questions. This is how we love God. By loving His Word enough to seek to understand it. So that we might obey it. And in obeying it we bring ourselves to point 2.

Point 2: Love others
When we look at Luke 2:51 we read that Jesus “continued in subjection to them (Joseph and Mary).” What? Jesus was in subjection to man? Yes. He obeyed the Law of God. What merit would God have if He broke His own Word? Jesus humbled Himself to this point. He laid aside who He was in order to obey truth. Here He is the Creator of the entire universe and He is saying “yes ma’am” and “yes sir”. So at any point and time should we ever think that our position in life negates the common decency of showing respect to another human being? No, it does not. How do we love others? How do we increase in favor with God and man? We show them respect and love. God tells us how to do this in His Word. You can find it all broken down in Exodus 20. He then showed us how as the person Jesus Christ. The commands of God show us how to love Him and how to love others. This is why they are not a burden, but indeed they are a treasure.

Well how does all this relate to where I began this post with peace like a river? As we look at Jesus He is increasing… he is continuing. These are words that are in motion. If we want peace like a river, and love like an ocean, joy like a fountain, then we can’t be a pond. We cannot be stagnant in our Christianity.

Stagnant water stinks and grows gunk. 
We must keep the living water flowing through us.
We cannot dam it up.

We must not just sit in the crowd. We must put ourselves where we can both listen and ask questions.
Come let us reason together… (Isaiah 1:18). 

The living water, the Word of God, must flow through us. It must come into our heart and out of our lives. The Prince of Peace must flow like a river in us. Sending peace to others. Flowing down from the mountain into the deepest valleys.
The love of God must go deep within us and rise up and crash onto the shores of those around us.
The joy of our Christ must spring forth praise out of our mouth with shouts like a geyser from the fountains of the deep and also with the gentle flowings of fresh spring fountains.

Love God. Love others.
It starts with God and spills on to others.

Oh Father, Let me be one that increases and continues…

>Overcomers

>”Jesus Christ, who went through hell for you, can give you the power you need to overcome the worst kind of condition in your life.” (Chuck Swindoll)

There is no greater peace than knowing that Christ is on my side. When I am in the pit of frustration for whatever reason He has never failed to pull me out. I can have my moment of panic. I can cry. I can even scream. I can even be angry at my God, but as I bring all this emotionally fleshed out ick to Him, He never ceases to amaze me how He turns my ick into peace and my peace into praise.

I realize that as I look at my life I am so extremely blessed.

I am loved and I love.

I have the absolute great joy of teaching the truth to whoever will let me.

I know and have experienced the overcoming power of the grace of God that is available in Christ alone.

I know that no matter how bad I may feel the condition of my life is at any point in time Christ is greater still. His grace abounds.

I believe part of the mercy of our God is letting us know that “In the world you have tribulation” (John 16:33). God tells us “When you pass through the waters… When you walk through the fire,” (Isaiah 43:2). He says you have not you might. He says when not if.

Then He says, “but take courage; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33). And God also says “I will be with you” (Isaiah 43:2).

So my dear precious one, whatever your struggle has been today… whatever it might be tomorrow… know that in Christ you have the power to overcome. I have learned that overcoming doesn’t necessarily mean the problem, the struggle goes away, it just means that this struggle will not destroy you. It will indeed only make you stronger.

When we look at our Savior’s message to the church in the book of Revelation as He exhorts the churches to overcome He never says He will remove the issue they are told to overcome. He simply says overcome.

So the question is how do we overcome?

The answer:

“For whatever is born of God overcomes the world;
and this is the victory that has overcome the world–
our faith.
Who is the one who overcomes the world,
but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?”
(1 John 5:4-5)

>God Knows Best

>This morning I dropped off my babies. Shelby is spending the day and night with a friend and my Bekah is headed to Louisiana with my wonderful in-laws to visit with our relatives down even further south. This is her first trip down and she is so excited. It is also her first trip away from Momma and Daddy… praying it goes well. She is the one child we have who is really attached to home. The other two will go as long as they are invited and as many times as we say yes.

So with my husband at work and my girls gone, it’s just been me and the dog. Who presently is snoring on the rug beside me. I had every intention of spending the day in this quiet house writing. I planned to work on Devotions From Exodus, planned to work on transfering the study I am writing on the book of Luke from my spiral notebook to the computer, and planned on working on the Judgment scene and the Hell scene script for our church’s fall drama the Judgment Seat.

That was my plan.

However, I believe God has had another plan for today. I think He just might know that I have not quite recovered enough from my past week and a half to attempt to step into the mind of Satan today and write this script. Yes, that will wait for tomorrow. So prayers are humbly requested for tomorrow.

The goal in writing these two scenes is in the Judgment scene to make sure those who witness it are left with a clear understanding that those who are being judged are receiving their judgment solely on their rejection of Christ and not for any particular sin they committed and also to share the good news of the gospel. In the Hell scene it is to clearly expose Satan and his lies and the way he worms them into our life and also somehow in the midst of this have Satan himself deliver the gospel one more time to those who are going through the drama. You also have to soak yourself into each of these characters lives as to accurately speak for them. Our youth minister forms the character and… well… I get to send them to hell. Yay me…lol.

So, anyway, God know best. My partner in, “Oh yeh, God we can do one more thing right.?!?.” has called and I am heading to her house to work on Homeschool Co-op stuff. A very important thing that must be done and taken care of and can be taken care of with some much needed sisters in Christ time.

So I won’t have to send anyone to hell today.
I’ll do that tomorrow 🙂

Thrown Under the Bus

FB PPM

Have you ever had a moment when you felt like God just threw you under the bus?
I have those moments.
Sometimes I feel like I am never going to be enough.

It’s in those days, those moments, when I just want to curl up in a hole and go to sleep. It’s those moments when I can completely relate to those who have decided that life is just too much…

Suicide always hurts those who are left behind, but I will never be one who condemns the one who did it or be one who says I can’t believe they did that. I will not be one who says that they could not have been a Christian and took that step because I am fully aware of the weakness of my own flesh. I am fully aware of the weight of the condemnation and oppression of the enemy of my soul. I am fully aware that if I did not have this hope that is the anchor of my soul, this hope that is sure and steadfast and enters within the veil (Heb 6:19), in a moment of physical exhaustion, emotional havoc, and spiritual oppression, it could easily be me. The spirit is willing but the flesh is indeed weak (Matt 26:41).

I am a believer. I know that to live is Christ and to die is gain (Phil 1:21). I know that it is not I that live but Christ that lives in me and the life that I live, I live by faith in Him (Gal 2:20). I know all this. I believe all this. I also know how the burden of life can overwhelm me at times, even with this knowledge and with this Hope, therefore how could it not overwhelm someone who doesn’t have it, or even someone who doesn’t know how to live their faith because they have not been discipled?

I was overwhelmed yesterday. It began last week and when I thought it would be over it wasn’t. It just continued on. Carried over by the weakness of this flesh of mine. Weak in so many ways. Weak because it is physically off. An infection leading to an antibiotic that has not set well with my stomach leaving me nauseous since Saturday night. A constant dull headache due to hopefully just allergies. A tired flesh from not sleeping at night because of all the other issues. Then after going to the bathroom for the third time to apply rubbing alcohol to another sore blemish on my face, I am reminded that yes, it is also hell week.

You see I should have been ready.

Have I not been here a million plus times?

Yesterday, I actually ended up in the laundry room crying as I frustratedly swapped out the laundry and let God know how disappointed I was at Him because I felt like He was throwing me under the bus. You see my hurt, my frustration, had been rooted from comments that came as a result of failing at some things I am trying so hard to be better in. It’s not something I am ignoring, but something I am purposely trying to improve. I was angry, hurt, and upset at myself, at those that called me out, and yes– at God for not covering my failure and instead exposing it.

I hate messing up. It’s the perfectionist in me. It is indeed a curse, because I am not perfect, but I want to be, no actually, I am driven to be. Somehow in my emotional DNA perfection = pleasing, but that is not what God says. God says faith = pleasing.

 “And without faith it is impossible to please Him,
for he who comes to God must believe that He is
and
that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”
(Hebrews 11:6)

 

Yes, I was disappointed in God, and letting Him know it. It sounds absolutely ridiculous now, but at that time I felt completely justified in my complaint. The amazing thing is my God patiently listened. He did not strike me with a lightning bolt. He was just still and let me rant. By the end of the day God had reminded me of His love. He had calmed my personal storm.

This day’s moment reminded me of that song with the lyric that says, “please don’t fight these hands that are holding you”

Oh God, thank you for being mindful that I am but flesh.

“For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.”
(Psalm 103:14)

>Enemies

>If you ever want to know what the voice of the enemy sounds like I recommend reading Isaiah 36-37.
After you prayerfully read these chapters I promise you will better recognize his slimy little lies. It truly is a must that you learn to recognize his voice… because he will speak to you. No one is exempt. If Jesus was not exempt why on earth would we ever even consider that we should or would be?

As you read to learn his voice, you must also pay close attention to how we are to respond to his voice. The only way to fight the voice of the enemy is with the Voice of Truth, the Word of God. Jesus showed us that. Hezekiah shows us that in Isaiah 36-37.

What’s important to know as you look at Isaiah 36-37 is the condition of Hezekiah’s heart before this enemy was permitted by God to approach him. You see only a short while earlier Hezekiah had become deathly ill, but he prayed to God and asked God to heal him… and God did. However, the Bible tells us that “Hezekiah gave no return for the benefit he received, because his heart was proud; therefore wrath came on him and on Judah and Jerusalem” (2 Chronicles 32:25).

So God permitted this enemy to come against Hezekiah.
It can be hard to swallow can’t it?
It’s hard to believe that this God that loves us so much allows our enemies to come against us. It can be hard to take in that it was indeed God that allowed this calamity, this enemy, this illness, this voice that hurts to the core and shatters you to the bone.
Many refuse to believe that.
Even men from the pulpit many will try to convince a congregation that a God of love wouldn’t do that… to say that is to negate much of the Word of God. For God clearly says “…I am the LORD, and there is no other, the One forming light and creating darkness, causing well-being and creating calamity; I am the LORD who does all these.” (Isaiah 45:6-7) 

Many will hear God in this light and say well, that’s not my god. To that I must say, then you serve a false god. 

So why would God allow “calamity”? Why would He allow an enemy to come against us? Why would He allow an illness into our lives? We must learn “that an enemy is more than an enemy and an illness is more than an illness. It has been permitted by God for our good.” (Kay Arthur)

Here is some insight, some life lessons, to hold on to that I learned while studying these chapters of Isaiah with Kay Arthur through Precept. These insights will help you learn how to recognize the enemy and also how to understand how if you have faith any enemy or illness becomes a blessing:

-> An enemy wants to take you into captivity
-> An enemy challenges your faith (faith just is not faith until it has been tested)
-> An enemy tests your loyalty (he will offer compromise and compensation and even rewards if you will just come on over to his side)
-> An enemy can talk with God talk (yes the devil can quote Scripture)
-> An enemy talks will test your knowledge of God’s Word (the enemy always speaks God’s word out of context and he uses words of truth but perverts the truth)
-> An enemy will challenge your ability to hear God’s voice for yourself (you know, “well God told me that…”)
-> An enemy attempts to rule you by fear
-> An enemy seeks to divide and separate
-> An enemy will drive you into the presence of God and cause you to remember who God is
-> An enemy will drive you to your knees in prayer
-> An enemy will cause us to remember our dependence upon God

The thing about enemies is that they can blindside you. A lot of times they can come out of no where, well personally I think most of the time they come out of nowhere. Life can be great and wonderful and then BOOM!

So when these enemies come we have a choice, to quote Kay again, “we can faint or we can wait”.

We can fall down and faint before this enemy or we can stay silent and wait on God to fight for us or for God to tell us clearly how to respond. What we cannot do is respond out of our flesh.

I have learned that my biggest challenge in this process is not the attack, it is not staying silent or waiting for God to tell me how to respond to the attack, it is what I do with the hurt. I have a tendency to stay silent before the enemy and then become an enemy myself to someone else. I can just see the devil rolling over with laughter when he accomplishes this in me.

So why does God allow enemies and illnesses and calamities in our life?
To make us more like Him.
That is His goal.

I have learned that it also is to prepare us for the future. Before David ever faced Goliath he first faced a lion and a bear. If God has plans to use us for great things in His kingdom we have to be ready for the battle. Jesus tells us that we are not greater than our Master and if they hated Him they will hate us as well. If we are on the side of God we have just made an enemy of the world, our flesh, and Satan himself.

However, let us never forget…

“If God is for us, who is against us?” Romans 8:31
and
“But in all these things
we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. 
For I am convinced that neither death,
nor life,
nor angels,
nor principalities,
nor things present,
nor things to come,
nor powers, 
nor height,
nor depth,
nor any other created thing,
will be able to separate us from the love of God,
which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 3:37-39 

>Driving School Part 2

>I have completed my driving school adventure and am determined to not be there again.
It makes me sick to think that the money that is going to pay for this is coming out of my families budget. It makes it worse for me as a stay-at-home mom, a housewife. You see I don’t add to this budget. So I hate taking from it… always have. I try to cost my husband as little as possible.

*** (Please know that it frustrates my husband to know end that I feel this way… but I can’t help it, I just do. He does not push me to work outside the home and is very supportive of me being at home with our girls and homeschooling them. We both thoroughly enjoy the fact that our family is together more than it is apart and that we are not dependant upon the state of Alabama to tell us when we can take a family trip or take our children to the doctor. We have never been a scheduled family. My husband’s work hours have always crazily fluctuated… so homeschool just works best for us for a plethora of reasons. Besides the fact that we absolutely love being able to teach our girls from a Biblical worldview.) 

When something like this speeding ticket happens, heaps of condemnation are dumped upon my shoulders by the enemy of my soul. I immediately begin to think that I need to quit teaching at church and at home and I need to just quit writing books and studies and go to work outside the home full time so I can be a contributing factor to our household financially.
Then with that thought comes… well who would hire me? I am a thirty-four year old woman who has never had a full-time job. The thought of filling out a job application or trying to put together a resume makes me cringe. All my past part-time employments are now out of business… well with the exception of substitute teaching. By the time I get to this point I feel as if I am a nobody who has nothing to offer anyone.

Oh how thankful I am that I am aware that my feelings will lie to me. How thankful I am that my God has warned me that my heart can and will deceive me.
“We will know by this that we are of the truth,
and will assure our heart before Him 
in whatever our heart condemns us;
for God is greater than our heart and knows all things.”
1 John 3:19-20. 
How thankful I am that He has give me His word in which to hold up the Light of truth to the darkness of lies and expose them for what they really are. How thankful I am that my Jesus warned me that the flesh was weak. How thankful I am that He taught me that man does live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. How thankful I am that He has told me over and over that He is Lord. He is Jehovah-jireh. He is Creator. He is the One who owns all the cattle on a thousand hills. The world and all it contains are His. Yes indeed, the truth will set you free.

“Who among you will give ear to this?
Who will give heed and listen hereafter?
Who gave Jacob up for spoil, and Israel to plunderers?
Was it not the LORD, against whom we have sinned,
And in whose ways they were not willing to walk,
And whose law they did not obey?
So He poured out on him the heat of His anger
And the fierceness of battle;
And it set him aflame all around,
Yet he did not recognize it;
And it burned him, but he paid no attention.”
But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
“For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
“Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
Isaiah 42:24 – 43:4
You see the Lord has burned me several times for speeding, but I have not paid attention. I have had no regard for the authority of these posted signs and chose to believe that what I had to do, where I had to be, overrode these signs. I would even justify myself by convincing myself how ridiculous that speed was on that particular road anyway. But the bottom line is these signs are put in place by a government that my God ordained whether my government recognizes it or not (Romans 13:1-7). And I am to obey them as I obey God, as long as they do not contradict the higher law of my God. So by not obeying these, I am not obeying God. So I can be mad at the police officer that, (as my driving school instructor liked to say), blessed my heart all I want, but the truth that I cannot escape is that it was my God who gave me up for spoil. 
BUT, He still loves me. I am still His. I am still precious in His sight. He still has redeemed me. And as I go through whatever waters or fire He has me pass through to burn away this rebellious flesh of mine I know that He will be with me, because He said He would be.
   
Now my mother was so kind as to hire me out to clean her house. Which thankfully was enough to cover my driving school fees and a fourth of my court cost. So I thank God for that. And of course the Clorox high I received from cleaning all the baseboards and doors and kitchen cabinets Friday afternoon possibly made driving school more bearable this Saturday morning (ummm just kidding). Can you really even get high off of clorox, lol? I did make the almost fatal mistake of mixing clorox and ammonia one time when I was cleaning the bathroom when we first got married. DON’T EVER DO THAT! 
I suppose from now on I will have to become the woman you are passing instead of the woman passing you.
I might make it fun and get me a special hat when I drive… the kind of hat I used to see through someone else’s back window and know that I was going to have to get around them some how or loose my mind.
Yes, I think that just might be what I do…and as a matter of fact I do believe I already own said hat, courtesy of my wonderful great grandmother. I even have her gloves to boot 🙂