>Back in the Journal

>March 2, 2002

“for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.” Luke 12:12
“I said, ‘I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin, I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.” Psalm 39:1

Father, help me to deal with conflict the way your son Jesus Christ would. Help me to control my tongue and my anger. Help me to forget and forgive. Help me to admit when I am wrong. Help me to know when to stand firm firm and when to compromise.
In Jesus name,
Amen


March 4, 2002

Father, I just want to praise You and thank You for Your mercy and grace! I thank You for Your faithfulness. I pray that I will remain just as faithful to You! The devil tried all day today to make me lose my temper and lose my peace but Your Holy Spirit remained strong in me and the devil did not succeed. I thank You for my peace and praise You for my strength because I know that all I am is of You and from You!
In Jesus name,
Amen

Now I do not recall what prompted either on of these journal entries in March 2002. It is apparent that my tongue and temper had gotten the best of me. It could have been a fight with my husband. It could have been a telemarketer. It could have been some stranger cutting me off in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. I don’t remember, but it was enough for me to write it down. It was enough to convict me and have me searching out the Scriptures for help in case it happened again. It was apparently a strategy of the enemy that worked quit well because it only took two days before I had an opportunity to trust in the Scripture references I had written down.

What I gather from this journal look-back is that God was faithful. His Word was faithful. When I trusted in Him and pulled out my Sword of Truth I was victorious. This day I had success. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if when we won a victory it was the last battle on that particular subject we would have to fight. Unfortunately it just doesn’t work that way. It leans more in the direction that the more battles you win the harder the next attack comes. The enemy of our souls just does not give up that easily. How I praise God that greater is He who is within me than he who is in the world.

The thing is we never know who is watching us. We are at all times affecting someone- in our home, in our families, in our neighborhood, in our communities. The wicked are around us, the lost are around us, the saved are around us, fallen ones are around us, angels of mercy are around us.

We never know when what comes out of our mouth will be used against us or used to blaspheme the name of our God among the lost. We never know when our words will hurt or how they will affect someone we didn’t even know was listening. We never know when our tempermant can be used to turn someone away from our testimony of the grace of our God.

However, at the same time we can know how a sincere apology will be used for us. We may never know when seeking God’s forgiveness and the forgiveness of the ones we have wounded with our tongue and temperment will be used by God to demonstrate His grace, but it will be. I cannot even begin to share all the times I have had to apologize for harsh words to my husband. Nor can I even begin to share all the times I have had to sit down with my children and tell them I am sorry for my harsh words and tone. I can’t even begin to tell of the times I have had to call and apologize to a clerk at a store for allowing something out of their control to frustrate me.

I can recall one specific incident that happened at the photo booth at Wal-Mart, probably around the time of these journal entries mentioned. I don’t remember why I was upset, but something had happened and for whatever reason the store policy would not fix what I felt was their mistake. Any way I do remember being very rude to this poor clerk who was really just trying to do her job. I felt justified in my anger and rude words and tone… until about the parking lot. Then I spent the drive home explaining to God how I was justified in my attitude… yeh, that didn’t work out to well.

So I walk in the door of our home and head to the phone book and search out the Wal-Mart photo section phone number and call the photo booth and proceed to apologize to this woman. I had to confess to her that I was a Christian and I had not been a very good example of my Christ.

The funny thing is that I think she was probably more affected by my call of confession and apology than she would have been had I been perfectly behaved in front of her the first time. Not that I in anyway recommend this course and order of action, it’s just that all things work together for good for those who love God and are the called according to His purpose and what the enemy intended for evil God will use for good if we will just trust and obey.

>Victory in Jesus

>It never ceases to amaze me how well our God knows us and our sin condition. I am doing a little research on friendship and social interactions. As I went to my Strong’s to research the words friend, companion, brother, and sister I discovered over 600 references to these words in the Scriptures, then as I began to dig deeper I saw that their are different specific definitions to these words according to their context. I’ll be spending more time looking into that in the next few weeks, the Lord has peaked my curiosity.

Well as I was looking at this I thought, “isn’t there some sort of disorder that keeps people from being able to socialize with others”. So I head to the computer and google “social disorder” and this is some of what I learned from the Mayo clinic:

Social anxiety disorder is a chronic mental health condition that causes an irrational anxiety or fear of activities or situations in which you believe that others are watching you or judging you. You also fear that you’ll embarrass or humiliate yourself.

Emotional and behavioral signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:

  • Intense fear of being in situations in which you don’t know people
  • Fear of situations in which you may be judged
  • Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
  • Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
  • Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work, school or other activities
  • Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
  • Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention

Physical signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:

  • Blushing
  • Profuse sweating
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Nausea
  • Stomach upset
  • Difficulty talking
  • Shaky voice
  • Muscle tension
  • Confusion
  • Palpitations
  • Diarrhea
  • Cold, clammy hands
  • Difficulty making eye contact

You may also be affected by:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Trouble being assertive
  • Negative self-talk
  • Hypersensitivity to criticism
  • Poor social skills

Common, everyday experiences that may be difficult to endure when you have social anxiety disorder include:

  • Using a public restroom or telephone
  • Returning items to a store
  • Interacting with strangers
  • Writing in front of others
  • Making eye contact
  • Entering a room in which people are already seated
  • Ordering food in a restaurant
  • Being introduced to strangers
  • Initiating conversations

Left untreated, social anxiety disorder can be debilitating. Your anxieties may run your life. They can interfere with work, school, relationships or enjoyment of life. You may be considered an “underachiever,” when in reality it’s your fears holding you back from excelling. In severe cases, you may drop out of school, quit work or lose friendships.

Social anxiety disorder can also lead to other health problems, such as:

  • Substance abuse
  • Excessive drinking
  • Depression
  • Suicide

I read this and I thought, my goodness, this was me.
This STILL IS me at times, if I let it be.
Shocking news (not really) as you read this info you also read that women are most likely to suffer from this “social anxiety disorder”. How ironic that we as women are labeled as not being able to pass up a conversation yet studies show that we as women are most likely to suffer from this social disorder.

Oh my, before I came to lean on the everlasting arms of my Savior I really did suffer from this. I recall it hitting me in 1st grade. I would go to the nurse everyday sick just to get out of class. I remember going to the teacher balling my eyes out asking her to move my seat because these two boys were smiling and giggling at me. I remember hiding behind the filing cabinet when the class left for P.E. because we were supposed to be playing a new game that day that I had never played and I was terrified. I remember sitting in class with my head down, making no eye contact with the teacher hoping with all my might that she would not call me to go to the board. I don’t know why I reacted this way to such things. I had a wonderful loving family. There was nothing outside of myself to blame this on. It was within me.

Even in college when asked to go work something out on the board, terror would strike me. What if something was on the back of my pants? What if my underwear was showing? What if I trip on the way up? What if I forget what I am doing when up there? What if I pass gas in front of everyone, because my stomach was already upset from being nervous from just walking in the door to the classroom? What if?
Do you know I dropped speech at least four times in college. I was 30 years old before I finally conquered this class, but in the power of Christ and in the strength that He gave me I had victory.

John wrote perfect love casts out fear. Jesus told us to cast ALL our cares on Him. Paul tells us not to be anxious about anything but in all things pray. Jesus said I am with you. No matter the situation I am with you. Little by little the perfect love of my Saviour has been working away at the things that used to leave me crippled in fear. As I learn that I am nothing apart from Him I learn that I am everything in Him.

So to my fellow in the closet or out of the closet social anxiety disorder friends:
Know that nothing is impossible with God.
Know that in Christ you can have victory.

He’s Still Working On Me

PPM-3.jpg

“In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.”

Psalm 5:3

The Lord was so kind to me this morning to show me the flip side of His favor as He took me to Psalm 5. I read “For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O LORD, You surround him with favor as with a shield” (Psalm 5:12) You see I had rather have the favor of God and be hated by the world than be loved by the world and be without the favor of God. The truth is you can’t have both the favor of God and the favor of the world. I choose the favor of God no matter what the world may throw at me.

I know that the favor of God is as a shield and all this world can do is destroy my flesh and what is seen. It cannot touch my spirit or the eternal unseens that are mine in Christ. I will persevere and hold fast to the promises of my God that I find in His Word. Oh what treasures they are!

After spending the beginning of my morning telling God all that was on my mind and pouring out my frustrations and my fears and reminding Him of certain situations that were going on. I said “Amen” and then laid my head on my Bible and prayed that God would sanctify me by His truth, His Word is truth. (Yes I will even try osmosis to get all of God’s Word firmly established in my mind and heart and soul)

I then begin to read over Isaiah 40 and was once again reminded of the greatness of my God. I read “Who has directed the Spirit of the LORD, or as His counselor has informed Him?” Isaiah 40:13.

At this point I shake my head and smile up at the beautiful blue sky dusted with the white swirls and puff of clouds of my Creator God and I say to Him, “Oh Father, I love You.” I say this because I am overwhelmed with the patience of my God. How patient He is with me. His lovingkindness endures forever.

I read this particular verse in Isaiah and it hit me how often I come to God to “inform” Him of what is going on. Coming to Him as though He somehow has missed this situation or has forgotten that this certain thing was going on and He needed me to give Him a heads up.

“Oh by the way Everlasting God, the LORD, Creator of the ends of the earth have you forgotten me…?”

“Why do you say, O Nicole, my way is hidden from the LORD and the justice do me escapes the notice of my God?”

Yep, face to face with Isaiah 40:27-28.

Guilty!
Head down.
Head down, but leaned into the everlastingly loving, kind, patient chest of my God.

And I can almost feel His kiss on the top of my forehead as He looks deep into my heart and says “those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. Do not go down to Egypt for help, I am your very present help in times of trouble”

Oh Father, thank You for Your word…