and whatever is not from faith is sin.
Romans 14:23
There are moments of such great failure… moments that reveal the depravity of the heart and mind… moments that lead a soul to slip into the depths of darkness… moments that heap shame and doubt… moments where fear has lead… moments where listened to lies have justified…moments that lead you to believe it’s time to just turn in your Jesus card and crawl into your self-dug pit and wait for sin to claim its wage.
There are moments of such great failure when you see no hope of forgiveness… moments when you feel your heart has failed you and you know your flesh is killing you and you doubt love and truth will preserve you…
You, O Lord, will not withhold Your compassion from me;
Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me.
For evils beyond number have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to see;
They are more numerous than the hairs of my head,
And my heart has failed me.
Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me;
Make haste, O Lord, to help me.
Psalm 40:11-13
There is a cloud that can come and cover your soul and cloak you in a weight of confusion that you just don’t see any way out of… there is no pain greater. It is a non-justifiable pain, a purposeful self-inflicted penance that you feel you owe… not willing to accept the forgiveness and not willing to push this one over to Christ since His blood has already covered so much of your miserable mess of flesh and you can’t seem to find yourself worthy of accepting any more…
Yet still you here Him call…
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Matthew 11:28-29
There are things that break the heart of a believer that the world cannot understand how it can matter so… there is a struggle that comes within the mind and within the soul, an awareness of great sin in this valley of the shadow of death because you know that whoever is guilty of one is guilty of all… because you know the wages of all sin is death… not just the really big ones… and you see clearly that what the world sees as little ones, as barely really ones, as a believer you see the magnitude of every one… because you know that whatever is not from faith is sin…
The storm in the soul of a believer can be worse than any storm blowing on this earth.
The storm in the heart… the heart that truly is a wrestling place…
In Genesis 32, Jacob crossed the ford of Jabbok. He crossed with his wives and children and sent them and all he had across the stream. In Hebrew Jabbok means “emptying“. Jacob emptied himself of everything and then after the emptying he was left alone.
When he was left alone and empty… then he wrestled.
He wrestled and he grabbed hold of God and would not let go. At least it appeared as though he would not let go… when in fact it was God that never let go of Jacob.
Then Jacob was broken.
He was empty, wrestled, and broken.
The righteous cry, and the Lord hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
Psalm 34:17-19
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The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
Psalm 51:17
The Scriptures tell us that Jacob wrestled until daybreak.
Then we read that the sun rose upon him just as he crossed Penuel. Penuel in the Hebrew means “facing God“. Jacob emptied himself of all that he claimed to be and all that he claimed to be his and now that he was empty he was free and alone to wrestle it all out and when the match was over he walked, no he limped away… facing God.
No longer running away from God.
No longer with his back to God.
He was no longer empty… but free.
He was forgiven.
He was facing God.
In the moments of great failure… in moments of feeling as though your heart has failed you… and forgiveness is not meant for you… when it seems the pit is welcoming and you are tempted to slide into it and turn your back to the ever redemptive hand found in the love of the face of God… Remember that He came to Jacob as a man in the night… He came to me in the eyes of the grace of a man, Jesus my Christ… and even still today, when I stumble along the way, He comes in the eyes of others, this time He came in the eyes of my husband.
Know that He will come to you as well…
From those moments of failure, to the emptying, to the wrestling, to being broken, to finally once again facing God… forgiven and free.