Yesterday I stood to teach during our chapel time at co-op and I felt as though I had never taught before. It was as if the Spirit of God had left me and I stood their naked and exposed and powerless. I could not focus. I could not remember where the points were I had felt the Lord had led me to draw out from the verses we were going to be digging into… I was lost.

My heart was pounding, my mouth went dry, my mind was blank and I was trying not to panic and just run out of the room.

I stood there trying to teach and hold back embarrassed tears at the same time… I have not felt that all over the place in a very long time. I wanted to hide. I actually thought right then that the Lord was through with me and had removed His Spirit and anointing from me right then. Confusion gripped my heart as I went before my God in my heart… and questioned what was happening? Was I under attack? Had I not adequately planned? Is this the results of something that is going on in my body right now? Had I failed Him? Had I missed Him? Self-condemnation commenced…

I am supposed to teach at a ladies retreat tomorrow night… and in all honesty I have felt so “out of it” for the past few weeks that I am nervous in a way that I have not been in a long time.

I am not sure if people really understand how terrifying and out of character speaking in front of a crowd is for me. It is only by and through the grace of God and the indwelling power and authority of His Holy Spirit that I am able. It is His gift not my ability. Every time I have ever taught I am reminded of His presence, because I cannot do this apart from Him. The moments, like what I experienced Monday, always serve as a potent reminder to me that it is not in me to teach this most holy Word from this Most Holy God.

I am beyond unworthy to speak in His name.

As I sat here tonight with my girls and watched the Billy Graham special, My Hope America, my heart ached. I am reminded again and again that I will never get over His forgiveness. I will never get over His sacrifice. I will never get over His mercy. I will never get over His desire for me. Me. This woman who lived in outright rebellion to Him and His commands. This woman who used His name in vain and lived life in vain.

My heart swells and becomes so full with emotion that it feels like it will burst within my chest when I think of Him and His cross… I can’t explain what washes over me when I think of what He went through just for me…

This afternoon my girls and I watched A Knight’s Tale with Heath Ledger… I kept the remote with me so as to skip over the parts that showed the guys backside and the part where Jocelyn comes in the night to William… I began the fast forward and my Bekah said, Momma I would never do what she is doing that is making you to have to fast forward this… Momma, you wouldn’t do that either would you… you haven’t done that have you?  

For the first time ever, I could not answer her. Hot shame washed over me anew and I avoided the question that I will answer one day… I just can’t bear to answer it today… not after The Day I Hated Came and her heart was broken just from the knowledge that I did not walk with Christ until I was 24 years old.

My heart breaks for those who think the choices they are making today will not go with them into tomorrow. If you ever think I am “judging” you do not know me at all. It is not a heart of judgment that comes before you, but a heart that knows the love of Christ and loves Him and you too much too allow you to walk down a path of death when life is HIS WAY.

Billy Graham shared in his message to America that the cross is offensive because it demands, it doesn’t suggest, it DEMANDS a new lifestyle. He also shared that the cross of Christ is offensive, but the cross is a confrontation that all of us must face.

I experienced the offensiveness of the cross… and I experienced it demand to change… I realized fully at the age of 24 that the Word of God was not a suggestion for how to live… it was LIFE.

So I don’t teach and I don’t write and I don’t post and I don’t blog and I don’t call out so that others will “like” me or my “stuff”. It’s not so anyone will ever look at me… there really is not much to see… I just want you to know Jesus. The real Jesus. Not this “Jesus” that many people make such a mockery of as they claim to be working for Him…

For there are many rebellious men, empty talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision, who must be silenced because they are upsetting whole families, teaching things they should not teach for the sake of sordid gain.

Titus 1:10-11

I want to share with you the Jesus who is in the Word and of the Word and is the Word. I don’t want to spout out ridiculous cliches or promise you empty blessings and seven steps that supposedly God has “only revealed to me”… that should be a red flag right there. I just want to bring you to Jesus and teach you what He has recorded for us in His Scriptures. No seven steps to blessings needed, just one step toward Christ. Just one step of faith at a time…

If God has to give me moments like last Monday to keep me in this place of utter humility then by all means I will take them… If He has to pull back and let me be reminded what emptiness would be in my heart if He were not there, then by all means pull away from me… I come before Him and lay at the foot of His cross and look up to His throne of His grace ready to be stripped of all self-righteousness and pride. Reminded that I am not here to show what all I know… but only WHO I KNOW.

I came empty handed to this mercy tree and all I have to offer anyone is what was offered me… Jesus.