What are some of the cliches you have heard that are supposed to encourage you or at least shame you into saving yourself for the honeymoon?

“Why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free?”

“If you want it, you better put a ring on it”

 

(As I repost this, I am reminded of a recent car commercial)

 

(It’s cute, but there it is in 2014… that- you can’t touch this, that- keep your hands to yourself, that- no hugging, no kissing til I get a wedding band)

We’ve all heard so many trite cliches through the years. “It’s a gift you can only unwrap once” and “You can become a recycled virgin” come to mind. Something in me just doesn’t like the idea of comparing virginity to a milk carton. But all these repeated messages about “protecting God’s gift of sex” still leave many wondering why? Why does God want it protected? 

~ Dannah Gresh

Yeh, but why, what’s the big deal really?

Day Twenty-Five

In the back of your head you hear the cliche and then you look over there and they are having sex, and they are having sex, and well they are having sex… and lightning has not struck and God has not struck them with a disease and they seem perfectly content and carefree with it all. They are even excited that they just found out they are pregnant and they are not even married, but everybody is hugging her and is excited for her???

And your daughters and sons are wondering the very same thing?

So why?

Why should you, why should they, wait when it looks like absolutely no one else around is? If you are single again after a marriage… does it even matter?

Yes it does… and this is why:

YADA!

Yes, that’s right yada.

Adam lay with his wife Eve,

and she became pregnant 

Genesis 4:1

Okay… so yeh, as Dannah said he was so not just layin’ there!

The word lay in the Hebrew is “yada.“

This is the Hebrew word for sex. It means “to know, to be known, to be deeply respected.” This is what God thinks about sex. It is designed to be something that causes us to be deeply known by another. It doesn’t have anything to do with the actual physical act of sex, it centered on the deep emotional connection and quenching that we yearn for…

Ladies think about it… is it really the physical touch you crave… or is it really a deep emotional caress that you are crying out for?   

What really drives you over the edge and makes your head spin and your heart pound?

Is it when he touches you…

                                 or is it when he took the time to study you and to really get to know you…

when he knew what color your eyes where, your favorite color, was it not when he remembered something you said?

Or when he was able to buy you that gift that you had never even mentioned wanting out loud… he just knew you would want it… because he had taken the time and the effort to know you… just you?

YADA!

Married ladies… when does your husband look at you in amazement? 

Is it really when you strut out and blow him away with your sex kitten prowl… or is it when he knows that you know him, really know him, yet still deeply respect him and you show that deep respect in your willing submission to his leading of your family? Is it not when you show sincere interest and real respect for his work and the efforts he makes to provide for your family?

YADA!

Based on the world’s view of sex knowing and respecting each other has nothing to do with sex… it’s just physical… but an emotional knowing and deep respect are essential ingredients to an intimate, lifelong connection. Mingle the two- an emotional knowing and a deep respect- and you have yada.  

The word yada is used more than 900 times in the Old Testament.

Dannah shares a story in her book about a guy names Wes and girl named Stephanie… let me share it with you.

Trust me this one is a tear jerker!

Wes first saw Stephanie at a Pure Freedom  for teens. Wes said he loved her the moment he saw her. When he approached Stephanie to ask her out on a date she informed him that after a very bad relationship in 9th grade, her heart had been wooed by Jesus, and she was only dating Him through out the  rest of high school… which was three more years.

Three years. No guys. Just God.

Well Wes went and had a little talk with God about this. You see Wes loved Jesus too. When Wes went and talked to Jesus about how he felt about Stephanie and God let Wes know that He was courting Stephanie, and Wes needed to back off and give Him His courting time with Stephanie.

Wes obliged.

But for the next three years Wes never stopped loving Stephanie. He stayed friends with her, would touch base every now and then. During this time he was asked out by other girls… but he said no… He was waiting on Stephanie, even though she had no clue that he was.

On May 24, 2008 Wes saw Stephanie again… she was about to graduate high school. 

Then on June 1, 2008 after Stephanie had graduated high school Wes came to see Stephanie. And that’s when he brought them out… the gifts.

One for each Christmas that he’d loved her.  

                                      One for each birthday that he’d loved her.

And a journal that expressed his emotional pursuit of her… three years of giving her over to God and giving himself over to God as he waited for God to give him permission to show his love to Stephanie.

YES THIS IS A TRUE STORY!

For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear,

 Nor has the eye seen a God besides You,

Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him.

 Isaiah 64:4

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but just as it is written,

“ THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD,

AND which HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN,

ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM.”

1 Corinthians 2:9

This is why sex is worth waiting for… it’s for YADA.

Let’s dump the cliches, let’s dump the lies, and let us walk in Truth.

Your challenge today:

              if you are married, are you still getting to know your spouse? Ladies, how is your respect toward your husband? Does he know that you respect him? Do you respect him? Is yada a part of your marriage? Maybe you need to make the first move in getting to know your husband all over again…

           if you are single… wait on Him. Are you willing to give the object of your heart over to God? Are you willing to date Jesus only, to let the Creator of the universe court you and then bring “the one” to you? Are you willing to say no to relationships that you know are not God’s will for you in order to wait for yada?     

I am not promising you that if you wait then every marriage will be a Wes and Stephanie experience, but I can promise you that if you wait, if you choose to do things God’s way, wherever you’re at right now… if you choose to submit and surrender your heart to Christ and trust HIM and show that trust by walking in obedience to what HE tells you… then you will experience the love and grace and mercy of the God who is LOVE, who does KNOW you, and yet LOVES you with a love that you cannot even wrap your human mind around. Then you can be a part of HIS great love story and there is no lack of the possibility of what He can do in your marriage… in your singleness… in your life.

 

I am a biblical woman who loves God’s Word and feasts on it each day. I am a sinful woman who has been healed by the perfecting love of my Savior. I am a wife and mother who is honored to serve the Father in those roles. I am an author empowered by the Holy Spirit to write and live out Truth. I am a girl who occasionally watches The Ellen Show, and I think she’s sweet and funny and generous. And that’s where it starts to get complicated- when my private, God-loving self interacts with a real world that doesn’t acknowledge Him as God. Just like you, I am trying to live out my faith in a very crazy world.

~ Dannah Gresh

Day Twenty-Four 

These last ten days I am going to begin pulling from Dannah Gresh’s book What Are You Waiting For. I wanted to start with Shannon Ethridge’s book because it was geared more to married women, and I am a firm believer that God wants us to have amazing marriages. He wants us to experience a level of intimacy in our marriages that somehow helps us understand how up-close and intimate He intends to be with us.

I also believe with all my heart that God can take a marriage that is already hanging off the ledge of destruction and when even just one of the two is willing to let both hands go of the ledge and grab on to God’s hand and refuse to let go… that God can in His power and might and ability to make messes into beautiful miracles pull them both to safety… because after all you are united as one flesh.

I believe many marriages fall apart because we usually are not willing to see our own part in the mess. All we want to see is the part that will justify our choice to be done, to be free of the pain, the hurt, the hassle. It’s easier to see the other’s fault in the mess than our own, especially when we use the excuse that our actions are simply the results or effects of the other’s actions… the whole “well if they, then I wouldn’t have” thing.

We usually want what we have decided is the greener grass because we didn’t have to do any of the work to make it green. Here’s the thing, God wants our grass to be just as green… but sometimes it takes a bunch of “crap” to get beautiful green grass.

Sometimes it has to be set on fire and burnt almost to death in order for the beautiful new green to work its way up through the ashes.

Sometimes it has to have poisons thrown out on it to destroy the weeds that keep creeping up in it and sometimes it has to babied… with extra seed and water and tended often… especially in a dry season.

Green grass takes work…

So we started with Every Woman’s Battle and we ended yesterday with our prayer for God to show us who we needed as an accountability partner. Ladies even if you are not struggling at this time with emotional or sexual integrity… you still need accountability. You need it in so many areas of your life.

Maybe your struggle is staying in the Word, maybe it’s attending church, maybe it’s losing it with your kids, maybe it’s laziness at work, maybe it’s food, maybe it’s health maintenance, maybe it’s stepping out in obedience in a particular ministry. It doesn’t matter what we are struggling with, God built and designed His church that we might be accountable to one another and Him. You need women in your life who know they have the freedom to pull you aside and say… “Honey, I have noticed…”

However, the focus of this Thirty-three Day Challenge remains sexual and emotional integrity. As I watch our nation crumble in moral decay, and as I see that decay alive and well and working in our churches, I am beyond saddened. A little piece of my heart breaks every time a marriage fails because of emotional and sexual compromise.  A little piece of my heart breaks every time I hear of the youth group couple that is sexually active. A little piece of my heart breaks every time I hear of the youth group boy that has playboy’s under his bed and him and half the other youth group guys head off to Hooter’s for some wings. A little piece of my heart breaks when I hear what movies the girls in the church are watching or what music they are listening to or what books they are reading…

I have to confess, that my own personal litmus as to whether or not I think you need Jesus is “where are you sexually?” This is my plumb line. This is where I will begin my fruit inspection as to whether or not you are a genuine sincere believer, especially if you tell me you are called to the ministry or are already in the ministry.

When I was first wholly surrendered I thought everyone was like me. If they claimed to be a Christian and yet had sex outside of marriage then I, with all my heart, thought they were as deceived as I was and really were not saved.

Now I have learned to extend grace in this area and I now know that yes, someone can be a Christian, can be really saved, and struggling in this area. So I have learned to not doubt their salvation so easily, but here’s the thing… they still need Jesus or at least they still need more of Jesus. They still need TRUTH.

Which is why as much as it breaks my heart to see those who compromise their integrity… it breaks my heart even more and makes it fall with a thud to a floor, when I hear those who profess to be Christians call someone else a whore, a slut, a fag… just because they have decided that what “they” are doing is worse than what they are doing.

All it takes is one walk down the halls to hear it.

All it takes is five minutes in the break room to hear it.

All it takes is one “prayer” meeting to hear it.

And as the targets of the judgments and gossip hear it… their invisible walls of self-protection get higher, thicker, and harder. God’s truth is heart-blocked by our gossip and harsh judgments.

Heart-blocking is Satan’s job… that is his work.

Who are you working for? 

So- as we who call ourselves Christians,

we biblical women who are learning to feast on God’s Word daily,

we sinful women who have fallen but are being restored and perfected by the love of our Savior,

we women who want with all our hearts to do all we can to keep our daughters and the other young women in our lives from making the insane mistake of believing the lies of Satan instead of the truth of God… let us be real.

Let us not tell sister-so-and-so about Betty-Jo’s affair, let us go to Betty-Jo and pull Betty-Jo aside and offer her our sincere help in bringing her before the throne of grace. Let us not joke in the break room about how Floozy-Suzie wore those clothes into work yesterday, wonder who she went home with after the office party last night… let us instead go to Floozy-Suzie one-on-one and tell her about real Love. She may not know it exists. Let us not join in our daughters conversation of condemnation about the new lesbian couple in school, let us instead teach her how to share the gospel and love them without getting caught up in the sin themselves…

Don’t get me wrong… I know Jezebel is out there.

 But I have this against you, that you tolerate the woman Jezebel,

who calls herself a prophetess,

and she teaches and leads My bond-servants astray

so that they commit acts of immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols. 

I gave her time to repent,

and she does not want to repent of her immorality.

Revelation 2:20-21

…but I will let God take care of her, I will just offer everyone grace and mercy as freely as He offered it to me and at the same time I will be careful not to fall into temptation in the process…

 Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass,

you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness;

each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. 

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:1-2

That is our end goal of this challenge. To become women of emotional and sexual integrity who are strong enough by and through His grace to be used by Him in our own weaknesses to reach out to those that God has allowed to cross our path and show them the Way of Peace.

Are you still with me????

We are one day away from the ten day stretch to finish the race of this thirty-three day challenge. We have spent the past three weeks weeding through deception. I hope that these past few weeks have been an opportunity to pull up some if not all of the lies that had been growing and thriving inside of you by their root. I hope that it has been a time of blind eyes being opened and a time of oh’s, that’s why’s, and now I get it’s. I also hope it has been a time of training. A time of learning the right tools to keep you from falling into the snare of the enemy of our souls.

If this has been a time like that, and you have experienced freedom and you want to stay free, but you are done lying to yourself and you know you can’t do this on your own, then what you need at the very least is an accountability partner.

If you need more help… go get it. There are churches all over your area with Christian counselors who would love to be there for you and would love to be allowed to be used by God to help restore your soul.

In light of that, our focus today is accountability partners.

 Day Twenty-Three 

Do you want to be able to be able to say no to worldly passions?

To live a self-controlled, upright and godly life?

To be purified as God’s very own?

To be eager to do what is good?

 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, 

instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires

and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, 

looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory

of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, 

who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed,

and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession,

zealous for good deeds.

Titus 2:11-14

Well there you go…

The answer is GRACE 🙂

So many today think that grace is just the “Oh that’s okay… I understand… I hate the sin… but I love the sinner.” But the problem is… most of the time we really don’t hate the sin.

Let me ask you?

Do you hate spiders?

What would you want someone to do if they saw a spider crawling up your back and into your hair?

Let’s say that unknown to you a spider is crawling up you back. You are just walking along in the mall lost in your own little world and then out of no where some person jumps on you and grabs you by the hair and almost knocks you out trying to get to that spider and then after the dust is settled and you, still clueless about the spider, are about ready to KILL the person for jumping on you… and then… They turn around in desperation and show the dead brown lacrose spider that was about to crawl in your ear.

Would you hit them out of anger for hurting you in the process of trying to get to that spider or would you hug them and say “oh! thank you! thank you!” ?

Now let me ask you again…

Do you hate sin?

Grace is the gateway to faith and faith is the way of salvation… Grace is power and strength and might, it is not weak and wishy-washy. Remember that it was the grace of God that put Christ on that cross. He loved the sinner so much that He showed us how much He hated the sin by the stripes on His Son… this is what it took, but God never once stopped loving His Son.

So before you go to hating someone who has clearly pointed out sin in your life…even in a not so nice way or “Christian” way… first ask yourself and ask God… are they right?

Getting the poisonous spiders out of our hair by a stranger or friend who is not going to be one of those who just stands by and watches without helping or warning, may not be fun or comfortable it might be flat-out painful… but at least they didn’t choose to sit back and watch… and then report the news after your destruction…

“well I knew it was coming, I sat right over there and watched that spider crawl right up her britches leg and up her back and that sucker headed right to her ear and then, wham, it bit her! Sure hate that it happened, but you know I ain’t one to get in someone else’s business…” 

Let me ask you again?

Do you hate sin?

If the answer is yes, you need an accountability partner/partners. You need godly women in your life that you know are not afraid to get the spider out of your hair even if their methods end up shocking you or even hurting you.

Perhaps it will be a friend or a sister, a teacher, a counselor, or a mentor. While you may be tempted to look for someone who can sympathize with you, you may have more long-term success with someone who isn’t struggling herself or who has already overcome such a struggle. Hitching two weak oxen together to plow a field is not nearly as effective as hitching a weak ox with a strong ox.

~ Shannon Ethridge

When you are praying about an accountability partner you do not want someone who is in the same boat you are. Yes, it is fine to have those women,we need those women, but those ladies are your “support group” not your “accountability partners”. The support group is there to help you realize you are not alone, but if this is your only source of help, then you might just find yourself surrounded with people that only say,

“Oh girl, I know, I am right there with you, no matter what I try I just keep on falling”

Yet they never say,

“NO girl, I KNOW, you don’t have to stay here, you are stronger than that and by all means Christ in you is stronger than that, now get up on your feet and let’s go”  

See the difference?

When you have a mentor who can show you how to thrive on a diet of humility, you may discover a healing change in your appetite. Remember we can not sin and win. If there is sexual or emotional sin in your life, you must starve it to death. You can’t just “trim it down” or it will just grow right back, even larger than before. Sin must be cut out completely. 

Your boasting is not good.

Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?

 Clean out the old leaven so that you may be a new lump,

just as you are in fact unleavened.

For Christ our Passover also has been sacrificed.

1 Corinthians 5:6-7

So don’t boast about how you trimmed out some of the stuff that was causing you to fall and causing you to grieve the heart of God, when you have in full awareness chosen to hang on to the sins you “like” to much to stop…

Admit to God that you “like” this one… and get to work with that mentor, that accountability partner, get on your face before your God and ask Him to help you hate it.

He who tends the fig tree will eat its fruit,
And he who cares for his master will be honored.

Proverbs 27:18

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 Now in the morning, when He was returning to the city, He became hungry. 

Seeing a lone fig tree by the road, He came to it

and found nothing on it except leaves only;

and He said to it, “No longer shall there ever be any fruit from you.”

And at once the fig tree withered.

Seeing this, the disciples were amazed and asked,

“How did the fig tree wither all at once?” 

And Jesus answered and said to them,

“Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt,

you will not only do what was done to the fig tree,

but even if you say to this mountain,

‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ it will happen. 

And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.”

Matthew 21:20-22

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As they were passing by in the morning,

they saw the fig tree withered from the roots up. 

Being reminded, Peter said to Him,

“Rabbi, look, the fig tree which You cursed has withered.” 

And Jesus answered saying to them, “Have faith in God.

Mark 11:20-22

Here’s the bottom line… if you tend to the fig tree (sin) then you will eat it’s fruit… but if you care for your master (Jesus) then you will be honored. When you stop tending to the fig tree it will stop bearing fruit and then you will realize this fig tree was worthless all along and you can curse it and then God will destroy it from the roots up… and as you walk by faith in your God and His Christ, it will never bear fruit in you again.

Who/what are you going to choose to care for?

It’s up to you… as Jesus said… Have faith in God, and whatever you curse will be cursed.

Trust, me you can do this. Christ came that you might have life and victory.

You were born again for this!

Fear…

Today’s focus is fear.

This is something that God has finally gotten through to me on… If fear is controlling me then His Spirit is not.

I finally realized that at the root of most of my stupid choices, at the root of most of the sin in my life, as a lost woman and as a redeemed child of God, was fear. Fear of being left out, fear of being not wanted, fear of being hurt, fear of being afraid, fear of people knowing, fear of disappointing people, fear of letting people know I was afraid… crazy, stupid, fear.

Day Twenty-Two 

As many times as God proclaimed “Fear not…” it is obvious that fear is a major hindrance to the Christian life. Why is it such a hindrance? Because fear is the opposite of faith. When we focus on our fear rather than having faith in God to deliver us from evil, we are much more likely to lose the battle for sexual and emotional integrity. How can we focus on what we know God will do when we think we are doomed? Such lack of faith says to God, “Even though you’ve carried me this far, you are probably going to fail me now, aren’t you?”

~ Shannon Ethridge

Sometimes we can be in such hurt that the only escape we see is through sin… and that is because we are looking through our eyes and not God’s.

Sometimes we can be in such hurt that the only thing we can think about is relief, even if it is for only a moment, and well sin is usually easily available, quick to get to, and yes, sin’s relief will last for a moment… but only a moment… and then it comes crashing down and it brings an even heavier hurt… that you, once again, reach to sin to numb.

We choose moments over eternity.

God has offered us eternal freedom,

but most often we instead choose the short leash of sin’s chains.

Because it is quick, it helps at the time, and we, in our eyes, either actually think it might work or see no other possibility.

How many women compromise their integrity and do what they know in the depth of their being is against God and His truth because they fear “he” will leave them if they don’t. We do not see that we are choosing the approval of man over the approval of our Creator God.

How many women cross the line, and then they draw a new line. Then they cross that line, so they draw still another line, then another line, and another… because they fear not being wanted or they fear the repercussions of standing firm on their “no”?

How many women stay in an absolutely horrible relationship and fight to the death for it… and this person has not even loved them enough to make them his through the covenant of marriage… yet they fight to keep him… even though he destroys their confidence, destroys their strength, destroys their integrity, stomps on their heart, and is cruel to them (and possibly even their children), yet they stay because they “love” him.?

This is not love… this is fear.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear,

because fear involves punishment,

and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

1 John 4:18

My seven year old daughter was riding with me the other day and it was just the two of us and she asked, “Momma, how will I know the man that God wants me to marry?” (Yes ladies at seven years old our daughters already are wondering about Mr Right… so define him to her now… before the Disney Channel and the little boys at school try to tell her who he is supposed to be)

I shared with her that she would know the man that God had chosen for her by looking for three main things:

1) He loved God more than he loved her

2) He was willing to give up his own life, his dreams, his toys, his pursuits, in order to make her his own, if that was what it took.

3) He will meet your Daddy’s approval. She could trust her Daddy’s judgment on the man. If her daddy did not approve, then he knew this man would not love her and care for her the way he was supposed to.

I told her if she set this as her standard… then she would know “the one” when God brought him into her life and it was time for her to marry him.

Let me ask you… are you currently in a “dating relationship” that doesn’t meet the above standards?

If so… why?

If you do not have an earthly father…

does your Heavenly Father approve of this relationship?

Is it one that honors Him?

Have you even asked Him about His thoughts on this relationship?

My ten year old daughter asked me one day “Momma, how do I know when God is talking to me and answering me when I pray and ask Him a question?”

(Yes, ladies, your ten year olds are seeking answers and direction from God, they have real hurts, real struggles, real issues, if we can teach them how to go before the throne of grace of now and seek help in their time of need… wow, that’s all I am going to say)

I shared with her that when she was seeking God’s will, when she was seeking direction, she needed to talk to Him with her Bible open. Have a conversation with Him as she turned and scanned the pages… most often He will answer and give guidance through His Word.  Sometimes God would also send another Christian to her to let her know what she needed to do. If she was really looking for God to answer and was going to do whatever He said… then she would know that it was Him.

Today, ask God to show you where fear is controlling you and not faith.

He will.

I don’t know about you, but I hate being afraid. I don’t watch scary movies because I believe they are another tool of the enemy to numb our sensitivity to our fears and they glorify hell and not my God. I don’t like the knot that fear puts in my stomach or the pounding that it puts in my ears and the thoughts that come with it… I don’t like it at all.

So many times we make bad choices because of our fear of the future. We don’t know what will happen or what we will do if we leave… if we walk away from this that we know… so we stay… even if all we experience is pain.

We don’t know where this other way leads so we keep to this path that we know even though we always end up in the same place…

God has called us out… yet we stay… paralyzed by our fear that He just might not be for real… He just might fail us… after all “look at all I have done… how could He actually and really want me and have good planned out for me… how could God actually use me?”  

Jesus opened your prison door. It’s up to you to walk out! How do you do this? By forgiving every person who has ever brought you pain, including yourself. If God does not despise you for the ways you have tried to fill the void in your heart, neither should you despise yourself.

~ Shannon Ethridge

Sometimes fear causes us to run away when we need to stay and fight.

In marriages… how many times do we walk away because we don’t see how God could ever fix the mess? How many times do we abandon the hope of healing because we fear one more day of living in our current circumstances and we, with our eyes, can not see any possible hope of change?

Please I beg you; I implore you, do not walk away unless you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is releasing you. Yes, if abuse is involved you most likely need a time of separation for healing to take place, sometimes leaving is what is needed for a wake-up call, but give your marriage time to heal before you call it quits.

Give your spouse time and opportunity for God’s redemptive work to take place in their life.

Don’t let fear make you stay, and don’t let fear make you go, be still and know that He is God and trust and obey Him not fear.

He said, “ I heard the sound of You in the garden,

and I was afraid because I was naked;

so I hid myself.”

Genesis 3:10

We have to decide that we won’t let fear control us any longer. We have to decide that we had rather be controlled by the Spirit of God. Then we have to obey His Word… and trust Him with the consequences. We have to not hide ourselves from Him, we have to come out and trust in His love.

The best place to start is admitting that you are afraid.

Ask God to show you exactly what you are afraid of, then confess this to God and ask Him to forgive you for letting fear lead you instead of Him.

You have to confess fear, it is sin, and there is only One who has the power to give us victory over sin…

…Christ in you, the hope of glory

Colossians 1:27

It is confession that cleanses and heals and restores the soul.

It is laying our hearts open and bare before the Lord.

It is trusting in the character and name of our God and not in our circumstances that brings us victory.

It is in surrender to His will and His way and walking in obedience to His Word that we find peace… real, lasting, eternal peace.

Today your challenge is to raise your white flag of surrender because…

 …the white flag you will be waving as you surrender your past pain, present pride, and future fear is not a symbol of defeat. It is a symbol of victory, for it represents purity. You will be washed clean of all compromise as you allow God to transform you- heart and mind- into a woman who forgives her debtors, walks in humility, and faces the future with confidence in her Creator and Sustainer. White is your color, girlfriend! Post it proudly and enjoy the peacefulness and fulfillment of sweet surrender to the Savior.

~ Shannon Ethridge

Oh precious one, choose to surrender to, and to exalt your God… not your fear.

 

Are your hands up in the air yet?

Are you beginning to surrender to Him and His oh so great love for you?

We are going deep again today… get ready.

Day Twenty-One 

In the book Every Woman’s Battle, Shannon shares a story about a woman who was going through a struggle. The woman shared that she was no longer acting out sexually but was still struggling. She shared how she couldn’t get along with her roommates and how she hated the way she looked in the mirror, how she couldn’t sleep. How she was anxious, stressed, and angry but didn’t know why. She shared how she had been sick for months with one thing or another but the doctors could not find anything wrong… and now she was having suicidal thoughts again.

Shannon spoke with her and asked her to dig deep to see if there was anyone she was harboring unforgiveness toward, but the woman was sure she had forgiven everyone who had ever hurt her. Then Shannon said it hit her. She asked the woman if she had ever forgiven herself… to which the woman burst into tears and cried “No, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.”   

Regardless of its source, we must surrender the pain from our past in order to stand strong in the battle for sexual and emotional integrity. ~ Shannon Ethridge

That surrender also includes the pain that comes from realizing our own choices have hurt us and no one else… Are you going through what this young woman was going through? Are you walking in self-unforgiveness? 

These are some facts that Shannon shares concerning unforgiveness. According to the January 1999 issue of Prevention magazine unforgiveness causes negative feelings about people in general, failure to recognize and enjoy potentially good relationships, and the following psychological and physical problems:

*chronic anxiety

*serious depression

*general mistrust

*poor self-esteem

*anger and hatred

*resentment

*rush of hormones exhilarate heart rate

*limits or shuts down immune system

*chances of heart attack increase by 500 percent

*risk of high blood pressure and cholesterol

*enhances risk of blood clots and cancer

*a host of other chronic issues

Shannon shares how she herself eventually found God’s grace for every person who had ever left her, let her down, or offended her. But forgiving herself for her own poor choices seemed to require more grace than she could muster.

She shared how when she would reflect on her past choices she would think “How stupid I’ve been!” “I should have known better!”, “No one could possibly love me if they knew all that I have done”

I know what she is talking about… I have been there with those same very thoughts. These thoughts leave you with a constant need of approval. You need someone else to tell you that they love you, to affirm your very reason for taking up oxygen on this earth. Because you hate yourself so much you are almost shocked when someone notices you… and you become an easy target for those who would take advantage of your weakness… you become a weak woman.

 For among them are those who enter into households

and captivate weak women weighed down with sins,

led on by various impulses, 

always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

 2 Timothy  3:6-7

You keep learning and learning but you never come to the truth. To the truth that God has forgiven you… so you ARE forgiven. God loves you… so you ARE loved. God says you are beautiful… so you ARE beautiful. You can’t grasp that God’s grace IS sufficient for you. So you fall prey into the hands of those who will destroy households and the cycle continues…

Ladies, listen closely…

When you believe that you are unable to forgive yourself then you are saying what Jesus did was not enough. You are calling the blood of your Christ insufficient. You also are saying that your own forgiveness of you is more important than God’s and requires more grace than what God is able to give.

For if by the transgression of the one, death reigned through the one,

much more those who receive the abundance of grace

and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.  

Romans 5:17

Satan uses unforgiveness as a tool to bring about our destruction. Forgiveness foils Satan’s plots to stunt our spiritual growth.

Now today’s challenge is to look deep into your own heart and see if you need to begin the process of forgiveness… either toward yourself… or someone else.

I had student once say that she knew she needed to forgive. She knew she was supposed to, but no one had told her HOW. She wanted to be obedient. She wanted to forgive, but she did not know how to do it… so here are some steps in case you have this same question.

*Acknowledge your anger and hurt. It is very real and God knows it is there.

*Realize that holding on to this pain only holds you back

*Consciously let go of any need for revenge

*Consider the source of your pain: Hurting people hurt other people. Put yourself in there shoes.

*Pray earnestly for those who hurt you, asking God to heal the wounds that cause them to wound others.

*Pray that your wounds do not cause you to do the same to others.

As you walk through these steps of surrendering your unforgiveness so that you might be healed of your past emotional pain… you must also work on surrendering your pride.

Pride assumes several things:

*I deserve what I deserve

*My needs should be met at any cost

*Life is all about me and my pleasure

*The rules apply to everyone else but not me

*I’m above the consequences

Here’s the thing about pride… you could take that above list and use it as your excuses to commit sin or you could also take that list and use it as excuses to NOT accept the forgiveness of Christ for your past committed sins or His grace in your struggles in your new redeemed life.

We must surrender our unforgiveness and our pride if we are to be free from our past emotional pain. If we are to be able to walk into our future with the freedom that is ours in Christ then we must let go of all this junk that is wrapping us up around our ankles.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,

let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin

 which so easily entangles us,

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith,

who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,

despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  

Hebrews 12:1-2

Honey, you are loved!

You are forgiven.

You are accepted.

You are secure.

You are significant.

Trust me… His grace is enough.

His blood is enough… it is sufficient for your forgiveness and for your ability to forgive others.

 

 

We were created for relationships. We are relational beings. We were created for fellowship and intimacy with each other and with our God…

Then the LORD God said,

“It is not good for the man to be alone…”

Genesis 2:18

Then sin entered the picture…

They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day,

and the man and his wife hid themselves

from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 

Then the LORD God called to the man,

and said to him, “Where are you?”

Genesis 3:8-9

 

Sin came and made a separation in the One relationship that was designed to meet our every need for intimacy because He is the core of our desire to even be intimate. Deep down we are trying to meet a need for intimacy with each other that can only be met through intimacy with our Creator God… the Lover of our soul, the Creator of our soul, the only One who can truly see our hearts.

 …for God sees not as man sees,

for man looks at the outward appearance,

but the LORD looks at the heart. 

1 Samuel 16:7

 

Day Twenty

Today let us get focused on seeking intimacy from the One whose relationship matters most…

In her book Shannon Ethridge shares, In our quest for relational intimacy, remember there is Someone we can whisper our heart’s desires to and get our boosts from who isn’t going to jeopardize our integrity but will strengthen it.

If you are thinking, no way will talking to God ever excite me like talking to a man, then you haven’t allowed yourself to be courted by our Creator. The same God whose words possessed the power to form the entire universe longs to whisper into your hungry heart words that have the power to thrill you, heal you, and draw you into a deeper love relationship than you ever imagined possible.

A guy may tell you that you look fine, but God’s says,

 

Then the King will desire your beauty…

Psalm 45:11

 

A man may tell you, “Of course I love you,” but God’s says,

 

…“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.

Jeremiah 31:3

 

Even your husband may tell you “I’m committed to you until death,” but God says,

 

…for He Himself has said, “I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU,

NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU,”

Hebrews 13:5

 

Make time to retreat to a quiet place with the Lover of your soul. Speak whatever is on your heart, and then listen as God speaks straight from His heart directly to yours. 

Jesus came to bridge that relational divide that occurred that day in the garden. He came to restore us to fellowship with our Creator and God. Remember precious one, the veil was torn, the dividing wall has been torn down, you can go boldly into His throne of grace…

 

Remember that you are accepted in Christ, you are secure in Christ, and you are significant in Christ… God so desired to be in a relationship with you… He so desired that you know Him as He knows you…

that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive,

because it does not see Him or know Him,

but you know Him because He abides with you

and will be in you.

John 14:17

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but if anyone loves God,

he is known by Him.

1 Corinthians 8:3 

 

that He came all the way from glory to rescue you…

Trust me, Lady Gaga knows nothing about being on the edge of glory… but Jesus does… He willingly jumped off the edge of glory to rescue you because He wants you to see His glory and to share in it with Him…

The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me. Father, I desire that they also, whom You have given Me, be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory which You have given Me, for You loved Me before the foundation of the world.

 “O righteous Father, although the world has not known You, yet I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me; and I have made Your name known to them, and will make it known, so that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.”

~ Jesus (John 17:22-26)

Today you challenge is to listen to Jesus. Today is the day to seek that quiet place and retreat with the Lover of your soul… don’t put Him off. This is how much He loves you…

And sweet sister know…

that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory,

may give to you a spirit of wisdom

and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. 

Ephesians 1:17

Ask Him to open the eyes of your heart… He will!

Yesterday we talked about the danger of flirting and how “just talking” is dangerous. Today I am going to share some of the communication boundaries that Shannon recommends

Day Nineteen

While many women flirt with men intentionally others don’t realize that their amorous comments are inappropriate. We hear this kind of language so often in the media that flirting can be a natural or automatic response. Some women are too naive to recognize the impact that their words and mannerisms have on the opposite sex. Other women are well aware, but are so hungry for affirmation that they continue to jeopardize their integrity in order to fish for compliments anyway.

Remember ladies, we will give an account for every word… we must always ask our self what is my motive in saying what I am saying… my real motive.

While kind words and compliments can be appropriate, we must be honest about our motives and recognize when they border on becoming manipulative or flirtatious. Even when we learn to discern whether we are flirting or not, there are other forms of communication that can also lead to sexual and emotional compromise.

We are going to look at some boundaries now. This first set of boundaries is huge!! If you don’t put any other boundary to action please put this one…

Complaining About The Complaining

Ladies, please do not complain about your husband to another man.

I won’t go so far as to say that women never have a right to complain about their husbands, but such behavior with someone of the opposite sex can backfire in a hurry.

Shannon shares about woman named Beth whose husband was emotionally and verbally abusive to her. He complained about everything she did and she was hurt by him. So she complained about him one day to a male co-worker… who also chose to complain about his complaining wife to her. This continued and developed into an affair. The complaining did neither one of them any good and it did nothing to heal their marriage or bring them closer to their spouse.

In hindsight, Beth realizes that two wrongs certainly didn’t make a right. While her husband had no right to treat her so poorly, she only made the situation worse by complaining to another man about her husband.

If you are experiencing an issue in your marriage and you need to talk about it, this is where the godly female friendships are so very needed. You need godly friendships with women who will teach you how to love your husband. Who will help you get a right perspective on the situation instead of just looking at it through the eyes of your hurt and disappointment.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior,

not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine,

teaching what is good, 

so that they may encourage the young women

to love their husbands, to love their children,  

Titus 2:3-4 

When Not To Help

Women can be far to nurturing in situations, even when red flags begin to surface we often think, But he needs me… I’m just trying to be a friend… How can I possibly not help? That would not be very Christlike!

I had a mentor warn me of this as she shared with me about ministering. She worked in the office at our church and a man came in needing financial help. As he shared his story, she was listening intently and with compassion, and he then did something that sent a red flag up in her spirit. She realized that he was being insincere and was trying to draw her into an uncomfortable situation and was taking advantage of her compassion and attention.

You need ladies like this in your life to teach these things to you… as women in our desire to help we can miss the red flags. (We will talk about this more next week as we discuss accountability partners)

Stick To Business At Hand

It has been said that men use conversation as a means of communicating information, but women use conversation as a means of bonding… And yes, the more we communicate with a person, the more we bond. So we would do well to take a lesson from the men in this area and learn to stick to business a little better. We can learn to communicate with men in friendly, but to-the-point ways, that will not jeopardize our emotional integrity.

Voice to voice:

*set a timer when communicating with a male co-worker or business venture… allot time for how much the business will take and the timer will go off to help you not move from business to personal conversation when the business talk is over

*use the speakerphone and pretend you are also on a speakerphone

*screen calls if you are receiving calls from a co-worker that is “pushing-it” or that you are tempted by and don’t answer until you are collected and able to stand

*avoid late night conversations with any male who is not your husband (whether single or married)

 Face to face:

*when in a conversation alone with a person of the opposite sex that is not your spouse, stick to the business at hand. Keep you motives in check and guard the conversation. Make sure you don’t have a hidden agenda in the conversation. Do not use him as a sounding board and do not try and test his personal resolve, and do not use him to get your own ego stroked

*if a man tries to act flirtatious with you and draw you into a flirtatious conversation… find a distraction and get out of that conversation altogether. You can do this politely without causing any weirdness… and when you do not feed the conversation with flirting in return, the attempts at flirtatious conversations usually will stop coming from this person.

*when a male coworker or friend shows up unexpected and you are home alone have a go-to-girl, someone who you can call to “show up” as well, so that you will not be alone. If a friend is not available… keep the man out side the home if possible, and keep the conversation minimal and quick.

*at work, if in a meeting alone with someone with the opposite sex, keep the door propped open, one supervisor Shannon knows had a glass door installed in her office so that at all times someone could see what was going on so there would never be a question about what was going on behind closed doors… (is this a step you could take?)

*try never to be alone in the car with someone of the opposite sex… it might be better to turn down that business trip rather than put yourself in that position and jeopardize your marriage and integrity

Computer-to-computer:

*I realize that we all must email and receive emails from people of the opposite sex, but once again keep it quick and to the point and only business, as women we tend use to many words in the email… making it sometimes a little too personal…

*if a man from your past, a previous relationship, attempts to contact you… you do not have to respond, and if you do keep it short, and let them know not to contact you again, especially if you got “excited” when you saw the message

*avoid personal email accounts that your spouse doesn’t have a password too, you should be able to keep each other accountable, simply by knowing that your spouse could be logged on at any time.

*if a man tries to invade your personal space through instant messaging and chat… once again you do not have to respond. (another boundary my husband and I put in place is no “friending” of past relationships, leave the past in the past)

*this goes for texting as well. Keep it short and to the point. If it is someone you know is pushing the boundaries with you, the great thing about texting is that you don’t have to respond.

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Okay so there were come some recommended boundaries… as you read did see any you had already implemented in your life and marriage? Did you see some that might be a good idea to implement from now on.

My husband and I have always used one big boundary. When we got married we put one big rule in place: “Don’t Put Yourself In The Situation”. This one rule has been a guard and a guide through our past almost thirteen years of marriage (it’s  almost fifteen now :-)… and it works. 

You can’t make a wrong choice and a false rumor cannot get started if you are not in the situation for it to happen.

Another gage I personally use is, “Is this something I would want my husband reading, seeing, saying, doing, with or about another woman?” If I would get ticked off or be hurt by this word or action in reverse then it means I don’t do it and I don’t say it.

Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.

Luke 6:31

It’s as simple as that.

Let the Word of God speak…