This is probably one of my most favorite chapters. This is a chapter that I find of utmost importance because it is so easy as a parent to find yourself on the receiving end of it, before you even come close to realizing it.
There are two things that get in my crawl more today than ever before because I fell prey to it often before my eyes were opened and my heart strengthened enough to stand against it… being patronized and being manipulated.
There are some that are very good at this… and there are many I once respected greatly, until I realized this was their trade, and after several interactions, I have forgiven, but no longer trust them.
So knowing how these two tools of getting what we want greatly hurt others, the last thing I want to do is teach my children to do this to others by allowing them to practice and perfect this trade on me.
Our girls try.
Why of course they try… and sometimes had not my husband and I been working together and been very careful to have each others back our girls would have been successful in using manipulation to get their way. It’s easier to see from the outside looking in than when you are caught in the middle of it.
Our girls have never raised their voice to us, but when not taking no for an answer they have resorted to trying to change that no to a yes by pulling out guilt initiating cards. You know, make us feel bad for the no, by throwing in a completly unrelated, “but you said…” Our girls know how much we value keeping our word and how much we value them keeping their word, so trying to make it appear that we have not done so is their favorite tool of manipulation to get what they want.
In this chapter Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller share:
Don’t allow your children to convince you to make changes you know aren’t in their best interest. Furthermore, don’t let them use manipulation to get what they want. Habitual manipulation over time damages relationships. Many adults are manipulative. It’s time to address this dangerous area now, in children, before it develops into a lifelong pattern.
Being able to accept no as an answer is a spiritual skill all people need to learn. A lot of temptation is out there, and children need to learn to say no to themselves in order to stay within appropriate boundaries. Salvation provides a framework for us to know what to say no to. Titus 2:11–12 shares these helpful words, “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say ‘No’
~ The Christian Parenting Handbook (from chapter 30, Don’t Give In To Manipulation)
When I wholly surrendered to the Lord, I for the first time had the power, insight, and discernment to say “no”. I could really say no to things that before I could not. The grace of God and the Holy Spirit in me gave me authority that I had never owned before. If our children know the Lord, then they have the power to say “no”. We have to teach them that the grace of God teaches them when to say no. Until they understand this, and especially if our children do not know the Lord, we have to say no for them, and we have to stick to it, because they have not the power within themselves to stick to it.
No matter how many times, or how many different tools our children try to use to get our no turned into a yes, we have to hold our God given parental authority ground.
In this chapter Dr Turansky and Mrs Miller also point out that we need to recognize the difference between perseverance and demandingness. They share that the line has been crossed when children value their issue more than the relationship. When a child yells at a parent or says unkind things because he doesn’t get what he wants, he’s crossed the line.
In this chapter they also point out that badgering, arguing, whining, dramatics, silent treatment, and passive resistance are all tools children use to manipulate their parents into giving them what they want. Our children can be very stubborn and very persistent in their stubbornness… Let us not forget that our beautiful little rays of sunshine are still selfish sin sick creatures.
One thing my husband often tells our girls is, “I promise, you cannot out stubborn me.”
They will try.
We have no doubt they will try.
However, my husband and I are on the same team… and we have been down this road before… we know the tools… we have tried them ourselves on our own parents when we were kids. You see, we are ready to stand together. Yes, that’s right. It’s us against them, yet working with Him, to get us ALL on the same team: The Jesus Team.
You still have time to enter the book giveaway.
And if you miss the giveaway you can order one from here.
And once again if you live anywhere around Somerville AL, join us in January at Shiloh as we go through the book and it’s study guide together.