The other day in Sunday School, the topic of the lesson was the 9th Commandment, “thou shall not bear false witness” or “thou shall not lie” (Exodus 20:16), and of course when the topic of lying comes up in a couples class so does this question every time…
What about when your wife asks “does this make me look fat?”
To have addressed this question fully would have detoured the point of the lesson… but I will do my best to address it now.
There are two view points to this question. The woman asking and the man answering. To the woman asking, as a woman, I say this question is an attempt to fish a compliment out of the husband. To the man answering, as a man, my husband says this question is an attempt to start a fight. Either way their is nothing edifying or encouraging coming from this question.
So to all the wives out there… DON’T ASK IT.
I don’t ask my husband this question. If I put an outfit on and I FEEL like it makes me look “fat”, then I state MY feelings, “I can’t wear this, today I feel like it makes me look fat.” I own my own feelings and my own perception of myself. Besides, as a female, whether or not you feel fat is simply a perception anyway, it really has nothing to with your size.
A grown woman who barely weighs 100 lbs soaking wet will have days when she feels “fat”. It’s really not about fat, its deeper than that. It’s simply a day, a moment, when you can’t see clearly and the enemy of our souls has found a crack to sneak in his lies of insecurity and imaginary comparisons.
Not long ago I had one of these days. In reality due to my own health issues and the stress of our last year I have added some pounds to the scale and the clothes in my closet simply don’t fit right at this time. As I was in the midst of a meltdown and almost in tears as I searched for clothes to put on, through misting eyes of frustration I angrily said, “I’ve gotten too fat to fit into any of my clothes!”
My husband responded to my heart not my words.
He immediately went and grabbed a picture off of our dresser. It was the first family picture we had made as husband and wife. I, at that time, was in the best physical shape of my life. He grabbed that picture and brought it to me and said, “I want you to look at this woman. She was skinny as a rail, but she was miserable. You are more beautiful to me today than ever because you are happy and it shows in your eyes”
I wasn’t walking with the Lord in that picture and neither was my husband. Skinny doesn’t make happy. Skinny doesn’t make beautiful. The joy of the Lord does.
My husband, at that moment (as at many other moments) in our marriage, did a wonderful job of causing me to see myself through the mirror of his eyes instead of my own. My own mirror is always a skewed. My own mirror can be like those “fun” houses at the county fair. My own mirror changes according to hormones, comments, fads, and fiction.
So husbands if your wife makes the mistake of asking that dreaded deadly question. It’s really not about the 9th commandment and whether to lie or to tell the truth, because if all you see when you look at her is “fat” or “skinny” then that’s a whole separate huge issue. Just answer her heart and not her words. She doesn’t really need to know if she looks fat, she just needs to be reminded that to you she is beautiful and she is loved. She still might change that outfit, but it’s because you helped to change her heart.
And wives just don’t go there. Don’t put your husband in a position to say or do the wrong thing according to you. He’s not a mind reader and he most likely feels like he can’t answer that question in a way that you won’t be offended or snap back. To answer, “No” he expects to be accused of lying or not paying attention. To answer, “Yes” he expects to be accused of being insensitive and no longer attracted to you. If we as wives are going to ask questions like these, we better be prepared to accept the answer.