In light of His purpose to portray His image (relational love) and His salvation (exclusive love), it is impossible to consider God’s guidelines for sex as arbitrary. Nor can we label them as outdated or old-fashioned.

God’s call for sex to be preserved for one man and one woman who have not even a hint of sexual experience anywhere else is in context with His plan to portray Himself and His love to a lost world.

I believe the exclusive passion and commitment of a bride and groom is meant to be a picture of an exclusive, exciting relationship with Jesus Christ that is free from any other gods. When people witness the passion and mystery of that rarely seen couple who are still emotionally engaged with each other “after all these years,” it gives credence to the possibility of something lasting and passionate. And the apostle Paul said such a relationship will be so rare in our world that it will be called a “mystery.” He went on to say it will make people hungry for the mysterious, exclusive love of Christ.

~ Dannah Gresh

 

FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER

AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE,

AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 

This mystery is great;

but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:31-32

 

Day Thirty-Two

Here’s the bottom line… one of the greatest witness you have to a lost and dying world of the gospel of Christ is a healthy and happy marriage that lasts. Your marriage is one of the biggest leaps of faith you will ever take apart from salvation. We are supposed to go into marriage saying “come hell or high water you are stuck with me and only me, and the only assurance I have of the future is that you will be there with me, I don’t know what we will go though, but whatever it is, we won’t go through it alone, I’m with you baby, let’s do this thing!”

When two people come together in this world, and both are focused on Christ and each other, they show the world that God’s way is true and right. It is a beautiful picture of the love relationship that God wants to have with us. There is a reason that idolatry and adultery are so similar in sound and definition.

In our relationship with Christ we are to have no other gods. We are not to seek nourishment, help, peace, guidance, comfort, pleasure, from any source outside of Him. In our marriages we are not to seek nourishment, help, peace, guidance, comfort, pleasure from any person outside our spouse.

We are to know Christ intimately, personally, and deeply and we are to know our spouses in the same way.

Sex with our spouse (male and female sex) unites us inside and out.

Salvation in Christ unites us with God inside and out.

 

I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper,

that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth,

whom the world cannot receive,

because it does not see Him or know Him,

but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.

John 14:16-17

 

(There’s a reason that Eve was called Adam’s “helper”)

 

Your marriage is more important than any track you can hand out, any show you can put on, any conference you can put together, any concert you might play, any trip to Africa you might make, it’s more important than any message you might preach.

Your marriage validates all these others. If your marriage falls apart because you have put these before your marriage as a “sacrifice” to God… you need to stop and examine your heart.

 

Therefore, when He comes into the world, He says,

“ SACRIFICE AND OFFERING YOU HAVE NOT DESIRED,

BUT A BODY YOU HAVE PREPARED FOR ME

Hebrews 10:5

 

In marriage you become one, one body. This is the body you are to care for first, then out of this body you reach the rest of the body of Christ. The first person that God called Adam to sacrifice for and care for was his wife. The first person Eve was called to help was her husband.

 

This is why saying “I do” shouldn’t be a Las Vegas joke. It’s serious business.

That’s why before you even choose to date or be courted by someone you need to ask yourself,

“Does he meet God’s standard of a godly husband?”

These are not the questions to ask:

“Doesn’t he deserve forgiveness?”

“How much should it matter that I am physically attracted to him?”

“Isn’t there an emotional feeling you get that he’s the one right away, and why didn’t I get that?”

Yes, he deserves forgiveness, but that’s not the real issue is it?

Will you be physically attracted to you spouse? Well, yes, of course, most of the time, but if this is what you are relying on, then when you go through a rough patch the enemy will convince you that you “have fallen out of love”.

Is there an emotional feeling right away… sometimes yes, but many of the best marriages are formed out of friendships and then the friends look at each other one day and realize they want to be more than just friends…

The first and most important question always is: Does he meet God’s standard? Does he have faithful, true, staying love?

Honey, do you want yada ?

 

Yada doesn’t come from first, ooey-gooey emotions… yada is more than that, it goes much deeper.

Yada is realized in imperfections and craggy disfigurement, hidden beyond the unblemished innocence of not knowing. Yada knows. It knows the unwelcome, unsightly secrets- secrets that could rightfully prompt rejection. But yada overrides the logical desire to dismantle the wounded relationship. Yada reaches into the grace-filled depths of unconditional staying power and finds the strength to breathe life into love one more time. Yada is a faithful love. A staying love.

This is the heart of yada. To be known- just as we are- and still be pursued.

Here is the beauty in marriage.

My husband sees the very worst of me. He sees me roll out of bed after three days of the flu. He sees me gain forty pounds and lose it and gain it again. He sees the new wrinkle, the stretch marks, and the varicose veins. He sees the ill woman raging over the dirty clothes all over the house. He sees the woman who cries for no reason and is easily frustrated because of PMS. He sees me yell at the kids and the dog. He sees me make a fool of myself because of emotional turmoil. He listens to my complaining.

He sees me. The good, the bad, and the ugly…

He sees all this and yet he still lifts my chin and looks me deep in my eyes and says “I love you and I am absolutely crazy about you.” Ladies, this is yada. This can only be known through faithful, true, staying love.  Love that says, yes sometimes this relationship gets ugly… but it’s worth it.

It’s worth it for my children to see what forgiveness looks like. It is worth it for my children to see that real love is not based on flowers and candy. It’s worth it for my children to see that you can be real and be loved.

It’s worth it for my marriage to be able to be used by God to declare the glory of His majesty and faithfulness.

It’s worth it for my marriage to be able to show a dying world that God’s Word will heal any hurt and get you through any storm.

It’s worth it for my marriage to be used by God to correctly illustrate His image to a world that Satan has been pretty darn successful so far to distort. Your marriage is bigger than you and your marriage is not just for your own personal pleasure and satisfaction and happiness. Your marriage has the power to display the glory of God. To display the covenant between Christ and His church. To display the image of the Trinity. To display hope, faith, and love.

Your marriage is to be a picture to the world of how much God loves them.

Because God sees us. He sees the good, the bad, and the ugly, and He still lifts our chin and says “I love you and I am absolutely crazy about you”

This is why, as I have grown in grace myself and yada, I will never again look at a couple and say, “I can’t believe she stayed after all that.” or “She should have left him a long time ago” or “Well if I was her I would pack his stuff right now and say hit the road jack!”

Yes maybe she’s a fool… but maybe, just maybe, it’s yada.

Maybe, just maybe, her mission is her marriage.

We would not say this about someone who has chosen to stay in a city in a foreign land that hates Christians, even when death is imminent would we? Maybe, just maybe, God has said, “if you can love him, you can love anyone.” Maybe, just maybe, she is the only one who has never abandoned him and maybe constant abandonment is the reason why he is the way he is…

I will never pass judgment on a woman or man who chooses to stay in a marriage again.

***(Please know that abuse is NEVER OKAY and please know that I am not saying a woman should stay in an abusive marriage, if abuse is a part of the marriage, help needs sought IMMEDIATELY)***

Your challenge today…

Spend today looking at your marriage through the eyes of Christ…

And now look at it through the eyes of others who see it

and hear you talk about it…

Are there changes you need to make?

Then, make them on your face before your unconditionally loving God.

 

Let us remember that these last few days have been focused on equipping ourselves with some tools and answers for the icky questions for ourselves and others. Today we are going to look at the dating thing.

Day Thirty-One

We live in a world that thinks you gotta try it before you buy it. A world where free samples are given out as an incentive to purchase the whole thing. A world where the newcomer receives all the perks and deals and the one that has been the faithful loyal customer is treated with contempt… and this is exactly how our world is viewing dating and marriage as well.

I am not a fan of dating. I don’t like it. I don’t think you need to “try” a lot of boys out before you decide if he’s “the one” and then you end up tied to the wrong one in the testing process while the right one walks on by and sweeps someone else off their feet while you cry in your pillow at night because you don’t know how to get out of this “trying out” one that you have just realized is going nowhere.

 

Let me share Shannon’s story from Dannah’s book-Shannon is in college. Dannah said she had a brightness in her eyes and a freedom in her spirit that set her apart from many of the other girls she had talked to. Shannon loves Jesus and she is a virgin. This decision has been costly for Shannon.

She sits alone in silence in class while those around her talk and laugh about what happened at last night’s party. She didn’t go and she chooses not to get involved in the conversation of those who did. Some of Shannon’s friends don’t understand why she doesn’t go, but Dannah shared how Shannon raised her chin a little and held her shoulders higher as she said, “… but I’ve never felt the desire to get into the party scene. And because of that, I feel I’m more in control of my life.” 

Dannah shares that Shannon is now studying art history abroad in Rome, having the time of her life. She is a contrast to many young women who are so worried about holding together a short-term relationship that they can’t even consider taking advantage of such opportunities. 

 

Like I said, I don’t like dating. I truly believe that God is capable of bringing your spouse to you right in the midst of you just being obedient to Him. Remember Rebekah and Isaac (Genesis 24). She was just out taking care of the sheep. Doing life. And God sends her Prince Charming to her. She didn’t have to go find him.

However, if you are going to date, I think you should date as friends.

Your relationship can really be tested as you get to know each other (not your bodies) and find out if you actually like each other and not the sex.

A dating or courtship relationship will tell you how well equipped a guy is to exercise the staying power of faithful love, both with you and with God.

 

Dannah shares another story about Kevin.

Kevin had fallen many times and learned his body was sometimes stronger than his spirit. He wanted to be known as a guy who protected girls, especially the girl he most loved. That meant he had to take even kissing off the table. It was too much for him. It created an override in his normally self-controlled character.

So, no kissing until “I do.”

The girl who would marry Kevin would know his past. His weakness. His hurt. And she’d share in it through self-restraint.

Dannah also shares about Lauren. Lauren was fifteen and a new Christian. You see her boyfriend had led her to Christ. Then he tried to lead her to bed. She said no and he broke up with her.

Then Lauren went to college.

Lauren ran into Kevin and Kevin shared his no kissing decision with Lauren and she laughed and said, “Good luck finding that girl!”

Kevin and Lauren had their first kiss before their family, and friends, and God at the altar, right after the preacher man said, “You may now kiss the bride”

May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine. 
“Your oils have a pleasing fragrance,
Your name is like purified oil;
Therefore the maidens love you. 
“Draw me after you and let us run together!
The king has brought me into his chambers.”

Song of Solomon 1:2-4

 

Are you crying?

I am!

As I write this I cry… this is what I want for my girls. This is what I want for my nieces and nephews.

Real love.

Real, true love.

Real, true, faithful love.

Staying love.

Love that is based on self-sacrifice not self-gratification. Love that is based on truth not emotion. Love that is faithful, true, and loyal not wishy-washy, false, and fickle.

My husband and I talk, and as we look back at our lives and our past, we wish we could go back and do things different. Oh how we wish we could, but we can’t. All we can do is forget what lies behind and press forward to what lies ahead.

Your challenge today is to do that. To press forward. God has not called us to live in the past, but He has called us to a future and a hope.

 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD,

‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 

Jeremiah 29:11

Maybe you did it all wrong… maybe you are doing it all wrong. It is not to late to stop living in the past regrets and present failings.

Stop.

And be still and know that He is God. He does love you with real, true, faithful, staying love. Trust Him.

 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect,

but I press on so that I may lay hold of

that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet;

but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind

and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 

press on toward the goal for the prize

of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14

 

I am sitting here before the computer screen debating on what the topic should be today. We are closing in on the last days of this Thirty-three Day Challenge. There is the porn issue, the masturbation issue, the how far is to far issue, but the fact is in all these “issues” the answer is the same… “yada” so I am just gonna hit on all three today.

The enemy of your soul will use all of the above issues to steer you as far away as possible from yada, from God’s design, from God’s best for your heart.

If Gods word for sex is yada and yada means to be deeply known and deeply respected… then this in itself answers these issues and in truth most of these issues are related to one another and if you deal with one you indadvertedly deal with another.

If we remember to live by love and not by law… if we remember that Christ is in us, and with us, and sees us… if we remember the reality of His presence… then these issues can become non-issues in our lives.

Day Thirty

The porn issue:

Here’s the thing in a nut shell. Men like naked women. God presented Eve to Adam and when God did Eve was naked… and Adam liked it. However, Eve was Adam’s wife, not just “any” woman. Adam would care for Eve, would love Eve, would forsake all others for Eve, would walk with Eve, would talk with Eve, would hold Eve, would have children and raise a family with Eve… He would KNOW Eve.  And Eve would know Adam and she would deeply respect him as a man and as her husband.

YADA.

Can whatever you are viewing, or reading, or listening to, or fantasizing about, that brings you to sexual arousal deeply know you or respect you? Can you deeply know or deeply respect what you are viewing, reading, hearing, or fantasizing about? Do you feel deeply respected and deeply known when you are in the porn issue? Are you excited to call all your friends and tell them all about your porn issue? Ladies, do you deeply respect this unknown man that you are using to fulfill your own sexual and emotional desire?

The truth is it is hard to deeply respect a man who is involved with porn. Whether he is the man you are viewing or whether he is the man viewing it. If your husband is involved with porn and he sees no issue with it, and maybe even you have not had an issue with it… let me ask you to seriously think about the respect level in your marriage, for him and yourself, and how has it truly affected your ability to submit to him as the head of your household… even if this is something you view or have viewed together.

Many men and women think the porn issue will just go away when they get married… but marriage doesn’t fix sin. Only confession, crucifixion, and daily washing of the Word fixes sin. If porn is a part of your marriage then it needs addressed and confessed.  It needs dealt with before it destroys you and your marriage. It drives a wedge between you and your spouse (or future spouse) and it drives a wedge between you and your Christ.

The masturbation issue:

Is this not usually a response to the above issue… not guarding your eyes, ears, and heart from things that sexually stimulate you. You are a sexual being. God gifted you with your sexuality so that you might desire and enjoy your spouse. Sex is designed by God to bring you into an exclusive relationship with your spouse. You can’t be in a relationship with yourself. Sex is not a solo sport.  Masturbation can bring you release from sexual tension… but it leaves you empty and unfulfilled… and cold.

Please know that God is mindful of sexual tension. He created your body to deal with it. Yes, I am talking about the “wet dream”. However… you are not to go to bed purposely preparing your mind to go there because that brings you right back to the above porn issue.

If  you struggle with this… tell someone. Do not let the shame you feel keep you from seeking help.  God did not save you, and redeem you, for you to remain in darkness and shame, and seeking help keeps you accountable. Ladies, we need each other to hold our feet to the fire of holiness.  Many men and women think, like the porn issue, that the masturbation issue will just go away when they get married… but once again, marriage doesn’t fix sin, only confession, crucifixion, and daily washing of the Word fixes sin.

(Here is a recent post that Dannah Gresh has written a recent post on how to satisfy your sexual desire in singleness. I am about to read and review her new book Pulling Back the Shades that deals more deeply with this topic.) 

The how far is to far issue:

This issue has been discussed before in this challenge as we looked at living by love and not law. If you have to ask “is this too far” then it is. If you are asking just how much can I get away with…then you are asking the wrong question. You need to be asking how close do I get before I feel my emotions kick in and create a desire within me for more. If you have a desire to go further just from looking in his eyes… then my guess would be that kissing him is gonna get you in a lot of trouble.

I believe we can find the right answer to how far is to far in Scripture.

Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father,

to the younger men as brothers,

the older women as mothers,

and the younger women as sisters,

in all purity. 

1 Timothy 5:1-2

So ladies… if you wouldn’t do it with your dad, if you wouldn’t do it with your brother, then you shouldn’t do it with him… because in Christ, until he wears the title husband, he wears the title of father or brother.

I am teaching my girls to save that first kiss for the man that will be their husband. I do not know as of yet if they will heed my teaching… I pray they will. I pray that they choose to wait on the boy that falls in love with their hearts… not their face.

*********************************************************************

So there is just a quick run down of these three “issues”. As we grow into women of emotional and sexual integrity these are issues we must address. We can’t pretend that they are not out there. If we want to raise our daughters to be women of emotional and sexual integrity then we can’t stick our heads in the sand and pretend that they will never face any of these issues… because they will.

Ladies, your challenge today is to continue to examine your hearts and see if any of these issues are a struggle that you need to bring before the throne of grace. Are they a struggle that you need to talk to someone about. And if you are a mom… these are issues you need to be able to talk about with your children. Do you need to do it now?

Then do it.

And do it with grace and truth.

Don’t do it with condemnation and hell fire and brimstone so that your child hides any future struggles with this out of fear and shame.

We live in a world where we walk in “religious” freedom. We or our children may never be faced with the struggle with whether or not we have to choose physical death over renouncing Christ, but the enemy of our souls has taken our world of freedom and used it to his advantage.

If he can’t cause us to face physical death, he will cause us to face emotional and mental death. Don’t think that one is worse than the other.

One is inside, one is out…

I would go so far too say that the dying on the inside is far worse… wouldn’t you.

“Everyone’s story is different.” That’s how Rachel began hers. “I grew up wishing I was a man.” She went on to share a memory from her early childhood when she…

I am not going to finish the story.

I am not going to finish it because I want you to be able to do that if you need to.

Day Twenty-Nine 

By the way, Rachel grew up in a Christian home. She knew God loved her. She knew He’d made her. She just felt like a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She played with boys and had very few friendships with girls… As time moved on, she grew into a young adult- and discovered that sex is emotional. “It was very easy for me to manipulate friendships with women who would become emotionally dependent,” admits Rachel. “Women who have never had a same-sex attraction would allow themselves to become physically intimate with me because I fed that emotional attachment so much.”

All the while, Rachel made her way through youth group and graduated from a Christian college…

No one knew.

All the while she knew her feelings were not right.

All the while she wondered why God would not make her feelings go away if they were wrong.

All the while she kept silent about her struggle. She let no one in her church know about her struggle… She didn’t want to say it out loud.

Silence didn’t help.

Finally she mustered up the courage to talk to her Pastor’s wife… and now Rachel is walking in freedom and has moved beyond her struggle with same-sex attraction and is being used by God to help others with theirs.

Are you a Rachel?

Let me share some news that might shock you. I have served in the area of children and youth ministry since the Lord called me to be wholly surrendered, during one of these times of ministry I was talking with a group of jr high age girls… this was a group, not just a few, every single one of these girls broke out in nervous laughter of agreeance that they had already struggled, or at least wondered, if they were a lesbian.

This is real. 

Do the young women (and men) around you have the freedom to come and share their struggle in homosexuality with you and not be condemned… or maybe you are reading this and you are someone like Rachel who needs to let the Light into your dark silence?

Rachel says that when she starts working with a teen who is struggling, she refuses to let her use labels. Don’t let the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transsexual movement slap a label on you. And don’t let Christians who judge your struggle to be more scandalous than theirs label you as somehow less precious in God’s eyes.

You are not gay. You are a daughter of Christ. Struggling with same-sex attraction is a symptom of life lived in a fallen world. Stop labeling yourself.

It has been my experience that when someone struggles with homosexuality it can come down to two main things.

1) You are a Rachel… something happened in your early childhood to plant a “lie seed”. Maybe it was as simple as being picked on for being “eewwww a girl”, maybe it was a sexual molestation by a trusted friend or family member, maybe it was being exposed to pornography and your sexual awakening happened in the oh so wrong way. It doesn’t matter what “lie seed” was planted… but you never told anyone about it… so the Enemy of your soul has spent years and years watering it for you and he’s been feeding it and it’s been growing inside of you in the dark and now it is choking out your light and your hope and the truth that you once could at least see a little bit of…

2) Or may be it’s the Lie we talked about on Day Sixteen. Maybe you just are drawn to a person because they catch your attention and the lies you have grown up with have convinced you that when someone gets your attention and now has your affection… then you must want to have sex with them… and once again you never told anyone about this thought, this feeling, this lie… so it grows inside you…

Ladies, do you remember Day Sixteen: Getting to the Heart of the Matter:

Now in attraction you become familiar enough with the person to know you are drawn to him, but you are not yet familiar enough to act affectionately toward that person.

Both attention and attraction are not limited to men but include a wide variety of things: the kind of clothes we like, the style of house we prefer, and the type of food we crave.

When you go to church or business meetings, you probably are drawn to certain individuals but not to others. The woman who became your friend is probably someone you run to when you need a hug or have really good news to share.

Society has twisted our minds into thinking that if we are drawn to someone, we must want to have sex with them. But attraction isn’t necessarily sexual. 

(Personally I believe this lie and twisting of attention and attraction and affection is one of the tools that the enemy has used to convince many that they must be homosexual or bisexual to feel the way they do. We will discuss this in more depth later in the challenge)

When we find ourselves attracted to someone we then begin to move into showing that person affection. 

And ladies do not forget what we have learned about our God given desire for yada.

Could it be that maybe the struggle in lesbianism for some is just that their heart has been broken over and over and they just want to be known and understood and this other girl does because she has really been there, she knows how you feel, how you think, what you mean… 

So instead of choosing to believe the truth and trust God to heal your heart and wait on Him you seek shelter in her “understanding” arms instead of His?  

Maybe you never meant or intended it to become a sexual relationship, but it has and now you don’t know how to walk away, you feel trapped because you are on this road and you don’t know how to get off, and you’re scared of what you will go through, what others will say about you, if you do.

Then please do not ever forget the truth to see you through the temptation that we learned on Day Seventeen: Aroused Attached Addicted

Finally, seek a trusted friend or counselor to hold you accountable through this season of temptation. If you know you are going to have to answer to someone else- whether it is your husband, a friend, or a counselor- about your thoughts, words, and actions, you’ll try harder to limit them to things you wouldn’t be embarrassed to admit. Getting real and honest with yourself and with someone who can keep you from falling into the pit of compromise is the best lifeline available.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another,

and pray for one another so that you may be healed.

The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

James 5:16

My experience has been that if you starve your desire to be emotionally intimate with a man, it eventually dies. The more you control your appetite for forbidden fruit, the more dignity and satisfaction you will feel about yourself and your ability to be a woman of sexual and emotional integrity.

I truly believe if you starve  your desire to be emotionally and sexually intimate with a female and (and is the key word here) and share your struggle with a trusted friend or counselor and flood your soul with the Word of God… you will have victory in this struggle as much as any other you face…

This is not the one sin in Scripture that God refuses to help you with, it is not the sin of eternal damnation nor is it the I was just made this way sin so it must be okay.

It is a battle between good and evil that is raging in your mind, heart, and soul… but in Christ you have been given the victory… but you gotta fight. Stop believing the lie and come at the father of lies with the Sword of Truth and cut his head off so he will shut his lying mouth and his lies will not progress within you and control you.

Dannah shares in her book the progression of a lie:

1) We listen to a lie. We frequently get close to messages that are contrary to God’s truth.

2) We dwell on a lie. We converse about those lies and consider deeply and regularly what is said without dwelling on truth or asking the advice of others who know God’s truth.

3) We believe a lie. We believe that the lie is more trustworthy than what God says in His Word.

4) We act on the lie. We sin.

You see, the patterns, behaviors, and addictions we struggle with are often the fruit of a lie that took root years ago.

Oh ladies, get this book, and read it, and share it with the women in your life. The truths that Dannah shares in her book What Are You Waiting For are eye opening and life changing because she shares God’s truth in love.

Your challenge today: maybe you struggle with this… maybe you know someone who does. Let me share with you that Rachel was able to be set free from her same sex attraction because the woman she went to for help did not condemn her. She did not pick up a Bible and hit her over the head with all the Scriptures that God shares with us about how homosexuality is an abomination… Rachel knew all of those… she grew up with them and God had already placed the law in her heart…

Rachel needed grace.

The woman Rachel sought help from did not condemn her with the Word, but at the same time she did not tell Rachel that she could just keep on living that way and God would be just fine with it. She met Rachel were she was and she chose to love her with grace and truth and strengthen her with grace and truth and guide her with grace and truth.

For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.

For the Law was given through Moses;

grace and truth were realized through Jesus Christ.

John 1:16-17

Your challenge… if you need that woman go find her today. She is out there. Or ladies, if you don’t need that woman today… then be that woman to someone who does.