I haven’t done a good “Confessions of a Christian Housewife” post in a while… so this one is well overdue.

Last night I spoke at a women’s event. Speaking is always terrifying to me… because God fills me full of His Word and I learn while I study and He teaches me and I am filled with thoughts and memories and failures and victories and I never know what is going to actually come out when I open my mouth…

So sometimes I leave blessed and full… sometimes I leave with this churning feeling…

Today I am churning… and I am not sure why.

I have been before the Lord this morning seeking to know clear understanding as to why… the only thought that continues to permeate is the one about what could have been…

There was a time when my husband and I struggled. We struggled greatly in our marriage. I believe I have shared that before… Last night as I shared, God had so put it on my heart to help these women understand how important it is to love their husbands and to love their children and to not give up on their families…

There was a time when I didn’t think I could do this marriage thing any longer. You see the lack of peace in my home was just so overwhelming to me. What I know now is that my adversary the devil was right there whispering lies into my mind… firing his flaming arrows of doubt and discouragement… My husband and I were in a battle against the forces of hell… but Satan had us convinced we were fighting each other.

I made a plan to leave while my husband was gone on a trip… that way it could be done peacefully. I had even convinced myself that God was blessing me in this decision… I had even dug up some Scripture and internet research to support me in my plan. I even had it figured out how after some time I could still even be in ministry… But you see I was blind… blinded by fear, emotions, flesh, and sin.

God however took care of things.

He stepped in and intervened by sending a snow storm… that not only cancelled the business trip but left me playing in the snow with my husband. I remember how confused I was at that time.

Now I thank God because that snowstorm was a turning point.

Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the Lord,
“Though your sins are as scarlet,
They will be as white as snow;

Isaiah 1:18

That snowstorm began a healing… a healing that required picking off old scabs and pealing away dead skin so that the Balm of Gilead could be applied in the deep places of my soul… and in my husband’s… we were now about to take part in God’s most beautiful soul-mating adventure.

The years that followed have been filled with confession and forgiveness and yieldings to mercy and offerings of grace. My husband is now my best friend and there was a time when I didn’t even think he liked me… and I didn’t think I liked him to much anymore either.

Today I adore him. Today I want to see him smile. Today I like him… I really like him… I am flat out head over heels in love with him. Are things always perfect now? Ummmm no. We are both still in the flesh, we both still have hormones, we both still get aggravated, and make mistakes… but the difference is grace. We are much quicker to apply grace and mercy to each other and we are quick to forgive. Really forgive. I love him y’all. God as my witness, I love him.

When I think what could have been if God had not stopped it… I cringe. I was about to quite right before the breakthrough was to come. I was about to let Satan triumph over me. Where would I be? Where would my girls be?

You know where I would be?

I would still be trying to hide the lies I had answered questions with before we were married. I would still be carrying the shame of my past. I would still be walking around in fear of not being loved… if he knew… I would still be in a shadow of darkness when God wanted to use this man to bring me into His glorious light.

I had to make a confession. I had to admit my part in the lack of peace in our home. As much as I wanted it to be all my husbands fault… it wasn’t. Deep down I was the one that had allowed my fear of losing him, to build up the first wall that would be a barrier between our souls. I was afraid if he knew… he would despise me… because, well, I despised myself.

Neither of us were walking with the Lord at the time. So we didn’t understand all this then… but I see it now. We spent a lot of time reacting and self-protecting. I self-protected by lying or hiding and he self-protected by anger and fighting.

I was the first one to use the d-word. In all recollection I don’t think he has ever used it. You see I was a flighter. He was a fighter. My reaction was always to run. His was to fight.

The enemy wanted me to run. Satan wanted me to give up… but do you know one truth that God used? God used to say to me, Nicole, you say you love Me. You say you want to love others with My love. You say you want to tell people about My forgiveness, about My grace, about My Son. You say you want to do awesome and mighty things for the glory of My name… but I am saying to you… You love, because I first loved you. If you say, “I love God,” and you hate your brother, you are liar; for if you do not love him whom you have seen, you cannot love Me whom you have not seen. And this commandment you have from Me, that the one who loves God should love his brother also (1 John 4:19-21 paraphrased for me).

God reminded me that I had prayed for this man. I loved this man. He reminded me that if I wanted His grace and forgiveness for my mistakes I better be willing to extend it to others… especially my husband. If I, as a professing praying and gospel proclaiming Christian woman, thought my husband acted the way he did because he just needed more Jesus… then why on earth would I purposefully remove from him the best opportunity for Jesus with skin on that he ever had in his life… me, his believing wife and his believing children. Would that not like be shoving him over a cliff, or just twisting the knife in his back?

We seem to live in a day where every person is forgivable but our spouses. It ought not to be so.

I don’t know where you are right now in your marriage. I know somethings are out of our control. But I implore you men and women of God… you are supposed to be the most Jesus with skin on in your family’s life. To your wife. To your husband. To your children. To your parents. Walk in love… real Jesus love. It’s not always easy. Sometimes it requires humility and humiliation.

Your family is your mission field and know that it is indeed under heavy attack. Don’t let the enemy turn you against each other when who you are supposed to be fighting is him.

Had God not brought us to our senses, had we not been willing to obey Him, had we not been willing to forgive as we had been forgiven… I would have missed knowing the most amazing man I have met.

I watch my kids wake up to both their parents, I watch them crawl up on the couch with me and my husband… 12 and 9 years old and plenty of seats in the house and they both choose to pile up on top of us… All of us on one couch. I. LOVE. IT. Crowded and glorious. I smile at the future. I look forward to falling in love with my husband over and over and over again. I get excited watching the greying of his beard… knowing that we are growing old together.

What could have been will never be… and I am forever grateful.

The Snowstorm

From our family photo shoot Fall 2013 🙂

“Would that they were wise, that they understood this,
That they would discern their future!
“How could one chase a thousand,
And two put ten thousand to flight,
Unless their Rock had sold them,
And the Lord had given them up?
“Indeed their rock is not like our Rock,
Even our enemies themselves judge this.”

Deuteronomy 32:29-31

Unless… Oh this is such a huge word! As I study the Scriptures and learn to teach them to the children… God has brought to my eyes the importance of the focus on these little words… like “unless”

He has led me to explain and define these big words to them… so that they are not foreign to them as they grow and continue to read and study the Scriptures on their own, but as for the focus in the lessons… God has opened my eyes to how important it is that I teach them to not overlook the obvious. Every week he has me to point out the but, the in, the if, the and… They won’t get boggled down and overwhelmed by the words they cannot yet pronounce and understand as long as in their minds and hearts and eyes they are searching for these small, easy to read, and follow words. These words are key and these words they know and understand. Most have already been studying them, even in secular school. I may not be able to rescue the public school system, but I most certainly can learn how to take advantage of what the public school system is teaching and use it to open our kids eyes to the truth of the Word of God.  

So today we come to the next unless in the Word of God… at least according to the NASB.

How can one chase away a thousand?

How can two cause ten thousand to run?

UNLESS…

How many times do we stand before a situation, before an enemy, and we see no way to win. How many times do we know that God has called us to a situation, to stand before an enemy, and yet we shrink back in fear and contemplation… having no faith to go… fearing we would fail. How many times have we said, I wish I could, but I can’t now… maybe later… maybe after I get this in order… maybe after…

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil.

Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.

James 4:13-17

This passage in Scripture is often used as disclosure after we have made plans. I often say it myself. I have plans. I have goals. I have hopes. I have dreams. Yet, I know not what my future holds, I only know the One who holds my future. So I make my plans, but with a disclosure to myself and others, that they are “if the Lord wills“

However today, I want us to see the flip side of this passage.

What are you putting off that God has called you to do for fear that He will not come through for you? What is in your heart to do, yet you say, well maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, maybe one day… yet you know that you know that it is God that has put it in you… and you are disobeying His Word, His written, recorded Word, His Living Word inside you, the unction of His Spirit dwelling in you… by your unwillingness to step out in faith.

I have lost count of the times I have shared something… whether it be about homeschooling, about being a stay at home mom, about taking Bible Study, about praying, about speaking out and up in an unwelcome situation and time… and I have heard, “oh I wish I could… but I can’t…” for whatever list of reasons.

It is not about, nor is it ever about, what you can or cannot do. It’s about knowing what your God can and cannot do.

What can He do?

For nothing will be impossible with God

Luke  1:37

If nothing is impossible, then that means all things are possible.

What can He not do?

In the same way God, desiring even more to show to the heirs of the promise the unchangeableness of His purpose, interposed with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil…

Hebrews 6:17-19

God cannot lie. It is impossible for God to lie. Which means if He said it… He backs it.

I have a friend who knew that God was calling her to stay at home with her child and to homeschool him. However to do so would require a major sacrifice to the family finances. She had been the main bread-winner always. She attempted to do both. Homeschool and continue to work full time. However that was only half-way obedience… which is really disobedience.

Finally, her and her husband, chose to step out on faith and obey what they knew God was calling their family to do.

She had a job, that the enemy had convinced her would cause a company to fall apart if she left. She carried guilt about leaving them and she carried guilt about not being their for her child. She was stressed and guilt ridden and confused and hurting and just plain tired.

She shared with me not long ago, that after she turned in her notice after training her replacement, she realized that her company did not miss her at all… and it hurt her feelings a little to come to this realization.

No, her company did not miss her at all… but guess who had missed her like crazy… her husband and her sons. They had not even realized how much they had missed her. Yes, she might have been replaceable at her company… but she is irreplaceable to her family.

Oh moms and dads, husbands and wives, even if your job is in the ministry… your place there is replaceable… my husband and I went through a time at our church, when we felt the Lord might be moving us… at first we thought how could we go? Look what we do there? What would happen to these, to this, if we moved… but God opened our eyes to the fact that if He called us to move… He would fill those and that… we weren’t doing it anyway… we were simply the vessel.

I realized I needed this time of searching for many reasons. One was to help me realize that my first priority is my husband and my children. My first priority is to show the love of Christ to them… and then to my community… and then to the world. My Jerusalem was not the city I lived in… but the house I lived in and the people within its walls.

Ladies, Gentlemen, men and women of God… do you know the right thing to do, yet you do not do it? This is as much a sin as doing all the wrong. Is God calling you to do something that makes no sense right now to do it… yet you know it is God?

Will He not keep His Word?

Will He not provide as He has promised?

Will He not clear a path for the purpose He has planned?

Your life is but a vapor and then it is gone… today’s opportunity is not promised to you tomorrow. Don’t miss it because you refuse to trust your God. If opportunity is knocking at your door… answer it beloved. Answer it.

******

Read more in the Unless Series here: Unless Series

There are few things more comforting than to have a conversation with someone about something that you feel makes you appear a little ehhh not normal and they actually listen to you without this oh bless your heart look in their eyes. Then they actually take action according to what you just shared with them. It’s like a breath of fresh air!

I have not been to the eye doctor in about 12 years… now I have desperately needed to go… but visit after visit of eye doctors and eye nurses talking to me like I was an idiot who had no clue about the ability of my own eyes… just led me to just walk away and say… I will see what I can see and that’s all that I will see.

I don’t know how my brain connects my mind and eyes to make them do what they do, but it does. I don’t always have to know why something does what it does too know fully that it is indeed doing it.

I do not know how the sound of my voice travels through this little hand held device, through the air, attached to no cords, and right into the right hand held device, according to what numbers or letters I pushed. The thought of it can be really mind blowing if I choose to just dwell on it… even knowing the mechanics of it all, the correct technical terms and such, it’s still crazy that it works. So even if I don’t know exactly how something does what it does, it doesn’t mean that I am not aware that its doing it.

Twelve years ago at my final straw eye doctor appointment, I tried to explain how my eyes worked.

Before dilation the eye doctor would say, well its not that bad… then after dilation, he would say, oh, I see.

Then it would be at least three days before the dilation would wear off, then another couple before my glasses came in, and then when I would put my glasses on, I could not see with them on… or off.

I would return to the eye doctor and explain, to no avail, so I would just quit wearing them

Then I tried contacts. To which I had a reaction to the solution. To which the eye nurse, got irritated and told me there was nothing in the solutions to give me a reaction… even though I sat right there before her with burning watering eyes… so I quit wearing the contacts. I would see what I could see and that’s all that I would see.

Twelve years and multiple bruises later from running into walls, doors, shoes, tables, etc. I returned to the eye doctor.

So what do my eyes and my brain do?

Well, if my brain knows what something is supposed to say… I can see it. The latest example of what I am talking about… Sunday we were on our way to the bowling alley after church. I am driving looking for the sign, but it had been a while since I had been the way we were going and signs and buildings had changed. I had already slowed to a little below the speed limit as I searched for the familiar sign, but I was afraid I would not see it soon enough to be able to safely make the stop to turn in… then my excited nine year old says, Oh look there it is! The moment my brain became aware of it I could see the sign plain as day.

My eyes have worked very hard over the years to cooperate with my mind. Their muscles are quite strong and overworked, which causes me a many a headache. Which is also why they trip up the eye exam so bad, but I had never had an eye doctor who would take the time to listen to me and work with me until Monday (Of course I am sure the fact that I had a few sisters in Christ praying over the visit had something to do with that).

1) He believed me when I told him that I could not see for at least three days after eye dilation.

2) He believed me when I told him about my eye muscles and how if I knew what something was supposed to say I could see it.

3) He did not laugh at me when I told him that I had a underlining concern that if he dilated my eyes I feared that once those muscles were relaxed like that, they would never be able to return and I would be blind.

He took the time to develop a plan that would work for me and my situation. By the look on the face of the young girl who was helping me pick out my frames and order my prescription… I could tell my situation was a first for them.

As I thought of the relationship between my eyes and my brain… I thought of the relationship between faith and the gospel.

But how can they call on Him to save them unless they believe in Him? And how can they believe in Him if they have never heard about Him? And how can they hear about Him unless someone tells them?

Romans 10:14

We share the Gospel with everyone… even those that are appear to be blind as a bat to it… because how in the world can they ever see it if we never point it out to them.

I once was blind, but now I see…

We study the Word of God so that God can grow us and show us things about Himself that we have never seen before… but how can we see them, if we don’t know they are there? And how can you know that they are there if you never open His Word to discover them?

How can God take you down a new journey into His glorious majesty if you only travel down the same familiar roads… yes the Romans Road gets you to salvation… and John 3:16 is the big flashing sign that says Start Here, but have you been down the paths of Habakkuk and Micah and Nahum and Leviticus and Numbers and Ezra and Amos…

Oh my! God has so much to open our eyes to!

Trust me, our God believes us when we say we don’t understand… and He patiently works with us as He brings us into understanding…

He also knows when our faith muscles are working hard and growing stronger as we strive to focus on what we begin to learn about Him in His Word… He also understands that sometimes faith gets “overworked” and we feel like our heads are going to explode as we try to take all of Him in… and He knows when to slow us for a moment so we can rub it all in.

He also does not laugh at us when we explain our fears of His hand upon us… it can be scary thing as we place our lives in the path of obedience before our God… that’s why faith is a mandatory requirement. Sometimes we can even be scared to open His Word… scared to learn about ourselves through the eyes of a knowing God. It can be scary to open up His Word and as you read it to discover things about your God and the history of His hand that doesn’t seem to make sense to us… especially when we begin to see that it is different than what we have been taught all our life and we have to choose to take God at His Word or to remain in the shadow of what we have always been told… We want to say, I will see what I can see and that’s all that I will see.

However, the fact just simply is that, some things we just can’t see until someone shows us they are there. So go ahead and take the plunge, open the Word, and let God have His way with you. Sit before Him, and let Him shine His Light right into the eyes of your soul… He has a plan, just for you, just for your situation, He will take the time to listen and He will take you one step at a time into His glory… He wants you to see.

So I advise you to buy gold from me—gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. Also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see.

Revelation 3:18

Sometimes the scariest and most stubborn obstacle to overcome is just to admit that we are blind (John 9:39-41). But oh, once we admit, and once we see, how amazing the freedom of truth and sight can be… seeing as we are seen… knowing as we are known… how beautiful grace becomes! Amazing!

I sit here this morning as I always do… half awake, but beginning prayer and study in what of the Word I can see, while I wait for the coffee to get my eyes to focus clearly enough that I  can justify one more day to not spend the money or the time on a visit to the eye doctor (which by the way I have finally made an appointment for, lol).

As I sit here I begin to go over in my mind all the little things I have read about “taking care of me”. The guilt wave begins… “you really should go upstairs now and change into some clothes and exercise, you really need to get more sleep, you really need to not be eating that pop tart and drinking that coffee, you need to take better care of this body, it’ the only one you got, etc” 

I see all the pictures rolling down my news feed to get fit, get wrapped, get ripped, eat this, drink that, look like this but wanna look like that… ugh.

Please hold a moment while I shutter and cringe.

The last thing I wanna do is calculate calories… when I am supposed to be calculating the cost.

Now large crowds were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, when he sets out to meet another king in battle, will not first sit down and consider whether he is strong enough with ten thousand men to encounter the one coming against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.

Luke 14:25-33

This body is also just a possession…

I am sorry, but I don’t see any where in Scripture where Paul looked at anyone and said, “I really would like to share  Jesus with you tonight, but it is imperative that I consider this temple that the Lord resides in… therefore it is time for my massage, my body wrap, my pedicure, my one hour work-out, and I must mix my smoothy… and I am just a wreck without a good solid seven  to eight hours of sleep…”

So as I read, and even repost, all these articles of the things I must do to keep this sinful shell in shape… I now ask, where in the Word does it say that?

As I think of the men and women in Scripture, as I think about Paul, I believe what I read about him said this…

…in far more labors, in far more imprisonments, beaten times without number, often in danger of death. Five times I received from the Jews thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, a night and a day I have spent in the deep. I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren; I have been in labor and hardship, through many sleepless nights, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. Apart from such external things, there is the daily pressure on me of concern for all the churches.

2 Corinthian 11:23-28

Have you ever noticed how many people in Christendom now a days gripe about how much time and money has been invested into the church buildings instead of the people inside it?

How many of those same gripping people invest more time and money in the outside of their own body than on the spirit within it?

Last week I had someone ask me how I found so much time to spend in the Word… this is the same type of question that has always tripped me up… the other is “so what are you doing now?“

“so what are you doing now?…” I have had a many a woman ask me this… and I always get this blank stare and have no clue what to say… so I have always said, Oh I am a stay-at-home mom. 

Until recently, which I now reply, I am the Children’s Ministry Director at Shiloh Baptist Church. {To which my favorite reply was, “Oh (with tilted head and sad face), but that’s just part time isn’t it“, but that’s another blog post in itself.}

I hate talking about myself. I do. So when someone asks me these two questions it means telling them what I really do… and as I tell them I see the guilt sweep over their face and that kills me… and so to the question, how do you spend so much time in the Word… I usually reply, I don’t know.

So in case you truly are curious and you want to know… after pondering on it for a few days, here it is.

I have read through the whole Bible multiple times, from Genesis to Revelation. I began reading it through the first time as a seeker, the next times to remember it and apply it and know it.

My hearts desire every morning is to talk to Jesus before I open my mouth to talk to anyone else.

If I don’t go to bed until 2am, I still make sure to be up at least 30 minutes early enough to spend time in the Word… even if it is just to read one Psalm, but I don’t read it just to read it… I never open my Bible that I don’t ask God to teach me… I always have something to learn and something that I need to work on in my spirit and every Word in the Word…

is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the [wo]man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work

2 Timothy 3:15-17

I don’t have a clue any longer who drives all the numbers on the cars going around the track of Daytona. I don’t have a clue anymore who pitches for the Braves. I don’t have a clue anymore who is the quarterback for Auburn. I don’t have a clue anymore who has a new movie out. I don’t have a clue who is on the bachelor. I don’t have a clue what book is on the latest best-sellers list.

I do still watch Nascar some, baseball some, college football some, even go to the movies some, and watch television and read books other than the Bible… but it is only some.

I have a Bible with me everywhere I go. If I am going to the dentist, the doctor, the park, my kids ball practice, anywhere where there will be any amount of waiting time, I take whatever Bible study I am in and work on it… and I am never not in a Bible study.

That is key

Don’t think for one minute that you will ever grow in the Word from flippant casual reading of it for your own personal entertainment.

Always, always, always, always pick up the Word of God with purpose.

Take what you read and see with it. Look for it. If you do, you will see that the Word of God is every where in every situation… there is not an inapplicable word in it. Every if, and, but, then, therefore, however, yet, whosoever is important.

I listen to the Word. I try with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength to live the Word.

I trust the Word. I go to the Word for every question, every decision, even supposed no-brainers, I go to the Word of my God for confirmation and direction.

I use the Word to explain things to my children. There is not a question they have asked me that I don’t point them to the answer in Scripture… even if I have to stop and hit the Strong’s, biblegateway.com, or call someone who knows more than me to help me find the answer.

The fact is I want to be used for God and I want to use all of God that He has given me. It doesn’t matter what of me must be forsaken in order to do it… whether it be sleep, my figure, my health. I just want to leave this earth fully used up for the glory of God… completely spent.

What good is a corpse with a six pack anyway?

My focus should always be holiness, it should always be with obedience to righteousness and not sin… and I believe with all my heart that if I truly am pursuing righteousness and holiness… then all else will take care of itself out of the overflow of obedience to my God… I don’t have to calculate calories if I am calculating the cost of following Christ. Jesus was a mover and a shaker… and He is hard to keep up with… so if I simply pursue Him… really and truly pursue Him in every area of my life… all else will be taken care of.

The bottom line is, we always manage to have time for the things that are important to us. You just have to stop and look at your heart and ask yourself… how does the way I spend my time and money show me about what is truly important to me… and now that I clearly see, what am I going to do about it.

I worry sometimes if I am sacrificing too much and spending too much time in the Word… and investing too much effort and time in doing all I can to share the gospel in the ways that are available to me where I am in this life and world, and I wonder if my kids are going to think I am a fuddy duddy who is competely clueless about life in the “real world” and will look at my efforts and think less of God instead of more… but if I leave this earth tomorrow… I would rather their lasting memory of me be… well, we know Momma loved the Word of God and His church,  and not, well we know Momma loved the gym, loved the movies, loved running, loved scrapbooking, etc. None of these are bad things in themselves, but are they what you want others to remember you by?

If you left this earth tomorrow… how would others define you?

These are the things I think about. If today is my last day… would I go upstairs and change clothes and workout for an hour… or would I write this blog post?

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith… 

Philippians 3:7-9

According to today’s polls I married young. A mere 22 year old girl. Supposedly, according to the media, the reason for our high divorce rate is because of people marrying before they are 30 years old.

Funny.

Because the historical facts show that when people were marrying younger the marriages were lasting longer. You know… like a whole life time!

My mother married my father at 16 years old. They are still crazy in love.

My daddy’s momma married my daddy’s daddy when she was 15 years old. They died still crazy in love.

Could it possibly be that the high divorce rate really has to do with self-entitlement, self-sufficiency, and selfishness.

Could it be that maybe just maybe looking in the mirror of marriage gets just a little too uncomfortable for us and its just seems easier to break the mirror and walk away?

One thing marriage and children will do is make you really see you through the eyes of someone else. Marriage provides a true mirror image of your own reflection.

For a while its very easy to point the finger at the other one, you know the one holding the mirror. We see their faults way before we see our own.  I mean really, they are right their in front of us. We experience the hurt they cause us. We see every little irritating thing they do. And we record it down, so that when we finally have had it “up to here”, we have our list of justifications.

But the thing is… the truth is… many times what is really happening is that we are beginning to see ourselves through the eyes of someone else. We begin to have pointed out to us things that we need to work on… things that hurt them and others. Yet we don’t understand why, so instead of working on ourselves we often stand stubborn and strong and expect them to be the one to do the changing or else we call it quits and go out looking for someone we don’t think we have to change for…

…you know the perfect soul mate.

What I have learned through marriage is that soul mates are not found they are made.

Soul mates are when two people intertwine, body, mind, and soul. Two people that are intertwined body, mind, and soul and bound by spirit and held by the Spirit of God.

Marriage is not about another making you whole, but is more about another tearing you apart so that day by day, year by year, you can see your own heart and see your need for redemption, forgiveness, mercy, and grace. Through that you begin to see that you need to freely give what you know you so desperately need yourself… love.

Real love.

Not hollywood, magazine, Taylor Swift song love.

Jesus love.

Death to self, lay down your life for others love.

You know what happens when you marry young… you grow up together… and you grow old together. You change jobs, diapers, and houses  together. You learn to depend on and cling to each other. You make memories and babies together. You laugh, cry, fight, dance, rise, and fall together.

The mirror of marriage can get ugly because the truth is we are indeed an ugly lot. Sin has its way in us and there is nothing pretty about us. But the thing about a mirror, if we have it, then we can clearly see the smudge on our face, the broccoli in our teeth, the cowlick in our hair. And what we can see, we can do something about… if we choose to anyway.

In marriage we always have a choice. We can choose to let sin reign or we can choose to stay under the convicting work of the Spirit of God and go through the refiner’s fire of grace. We can sit back and say, okay God, have Thine Own way. Create in me a clean and pure heart. Teach me to love the way You love. Give me eyes to see as You see.

“This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the Lord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” 

Malachi 2:13-16 (NASB)

The refiner’s fire is not a pleasant experience. It is not usually a pleasurable thing to have all your faults laid open and bare before someone and the natural response in this weak human flesh of ours is to make it someone else’s fault. If we can point the finger at someone else then we don’t have to address ourselves… or take responsibility for our part.

The mirror of marriage can give us a reflection of ourselves we don’t like… just as the mirror of God’s Word does. I can tell you the first ten years  of my marriage I was convinced that every fight was 100% my husbands fault. I saw my actions as only reactions to him, thus my actions were valid and warranted. Thankfully God has been doing a work on my arrogant heart and through many moments of humility (or rather humiliation) I am learning to see more clearly.

If our heart’s desire truly is holiness and if we truly belong to God then He has clearly stated that His heart’s desire is for our transformation into His glory and our conforming into the image of His Son. And He will not stop until that is completed in us.

So I can fight the process or I can stand and look myself in the mirror. And when I have chosen to trust in the holiness and sanctity and safety of the covenant of my marriage, and He shows me things about me that needs some refining, I can say yes Lord… Have Your way in me and in this moment teach me to honor You by honoring others.

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I am currently watching a series by RC Sproul Jr and it reminded me of this post. I highly recommend this series: Bound for Glory

The Importance of the Family

The Function of the Family

Husbands Part 1

Husbands Part 2

Wives Part 1

Wives Part 2

This coming Sunday is Father’s Day. With that being the case there has been a lot of focus on the radio about fathers. My girls are usually in the car with me listening, I rarely go any where without them. As we have listened to these father focused radio bits in the car there have been two moments that have stuck out in particular.

The first occurred last week….

We were driving home from church listening to my least favorite radio personality and she began sharing some statistic study about mothers and daughters taste becoming more and more alike in certain areas as the daughter aged. She shared several areas and one of the areas was that the mother and daughter begin to share the same interest in men. The radio personality honed in on this and began to rant about how awkward and weird that was…

Then my Shelby gave her father what I believe is a man’s greatest compliment.

Shelby, obviously aggravated with this woman as much as I, expounded from the backseat of the car, “Why is she saying all that, shouldn’t every girl want to marry a man like her father?”

My heart warmed as she said these words. I took them, as a “Mary moment” (Luke 2:19) and treasured them and pondered them in my heart… saving them to share with my husband.

In the real world of marriage and family, life gets ugly sometimes. We see our own faults magnified and we often feel like we will never be more than complete failures at life. That’s a lie though. Satan likes to lie to us.

I am thankful to be married to a man who is willing to grow, willing to change, willing to love, willing to sacrifice.

My husband and I started this marriage thing with a whole lot of baggage between us and no Jesus in the middle of us. Our girls have been there to witness us through the growing pains of grace.

They have seen us struggle, they have seen us fight, they have seen us cry, they have seen us pout, they have seen us doubt.

They have also seen us rest, they have seen us forgive, they have seen us laugh, they have seen us smile, they have seen us assured.

Most importantly they have seen us not give up.

They have seen us fight the good fight of faith… faith in God and faith in Christ and faith in covenant love.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 

The truth.

My husband and I are not always patient with each other, we are not always kind to one another, we are sometimes jealous, we do sometimes act unbecomingly, we do sometimes seek our own interest first, we do sometimes provoke one another, and we do sometimes pull out the old record book that records every hurt and wrong ever done and caused… but here’s where it ends… neither one of us rejoices in this.

We do not walk away from these moment rejoicing in these actions. We are not pleased with ourselves when flesh and sin take over for these moments to happen. When the dust settles and clears we see them for what they are… an attack of the enemy against our covenant with one another and the image of God that the covenant displays.

We see the lies that the enemy used to instigate, manipulate, fabricate, and fuel the flames of self, flesh, and sin. We see these and we choose to rejoice in the truth and repent… to God and each other.

It is here that we truly love.

When we choose to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things… because we know the truth… the truth that love never fails.

Love never fails, because God is love (1 John 4:8) and God never fails.

When we we choose to live out the Word of God in our marriage, to work out our salvation (Philippians 2:12) in our homes not just out for the world to see… it is then that we see daughters who can look at the way their father’s love their wives and say, “…shouldn’t every girl want to marry a man like her father?”

So to my husband, Patrick Vaughn, the father of my daughters… this Father’s Day know that you have received the greatest compliment that any man could ever receive… to be a man that his daughters see as an example of what a future husband and father of their own children should be.

We both know that our kids know that we are far from perfect, yet I believe with all my heart that they do know they are perfectly loved and they know that we perfectly love one another. Because perfect love is loving one another amidst all the imperfections… yet still pursing perfection all the while.

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

Philippians 3:11-13

I love you, my husband!

Happy soon coming Father’s Day!