Have you ever heard someone say, “do as I say not as I do”?
Perhaps you have used that phrase yourself…
How well has it worked out?

14.  Train them remembering continually the influence; of your own example.
   
Instruction, and advice, and commands will profit little, unless they are backed up by the pattern of your own life.  Your children will never believe you are in earnest, and really wish them to obey you, so long as your actions contradict your counsel.

Archbishop Tillotson made a wise remark when he said, “To give children good instruction, and a bad example, is but beckoning to them with the head to show them the way to heaven, while we take them by the hand and lead them in the way to hell.”
   
We little know the force and power of example.  No one of us can live to himself in this world; we are always influencing those around us, in one way or another, either for good or for evil, either for God or for sin. — They see our ways, they mark our conduct, they observe our behaviour, and what they see us practise, that they may fairly suppose we think right.  And never, I believe, does example tell so powerfully as it does in the case of parents and children.
   
Fathers and mothers, do not forget that children learn more by the eye than they do by the ear.  No school will make such deep marks on character as home.  The best of schoolmasters will not imprint on their minds as much as they will pick up at your fireside.  Imitation is a far stronger principle with children than memory.  What they see has a much stronger effect on their minds than what they are told.
   
Take care, then, what you do before a child.  It is a true proverb, “Who sins before a child, sins double.” Strive rather to be a living epistle of Christ, such as your families can read, and that plainly too.  Be an example of reverence for the Word of God, reverence in prayer, reverence for means of grace, reverence for the Lord’s day. — Be an example in words, in temper, in diligence, in temperance, in faith, in charity, in kindness, in humility. 

Think not your children will practise what they do not see you do.  You are their model picture, and they will copy what you are.  Your reasoning and your lecturing, your wise commands and your good advice; all this they may not understand, but they can understand your life.
   
Children are very quick observers; very quick in seeing through some kinds of hypocrisy, very quick in finding out what you really think and feel, very quick in adopting all your ways and opinions.  You will often find as the father is, so is the son.
   
Remember the word that the conqueror Caesar always used to his soldiers in a battle.  He did not say “Go forward,” but “Come.” So it must be with you in training your children.  They will seldom learn habits which they see you despise, or walk in paths in which you do not walk yourself. 

He that preaches to his children what he does not practise, is working a work that never goes forward.  It is like the fabled web of Penelope of old, who wove all day, and unwove all night.  Even so, the parent who tries to train without setting a good example is building with one hand, and pulling down with the other.

The simple fact is our children will do as we do… this is what they remember…
Our children and all others will always measure our words by our actions.

Do we honor with our lips while our hearts are far away?
True belief always results in matched behaviour.
We show we really believe when our lives line up with what we believe.

I recently taught a class on Spiritual Gifts… one weeks lesson was on leadership. As I have studied the Scriptures the Word of God is quite clear that leadership begins with being an example first. 

I have often heard the saying, “Well these kids didn’t come with an instructions manual on how to raise them…”
The truth is… well yes they did.
It’s called the Holy Bible.
Within the pages of this book is all we will ever need to know about how to raise our children… I love all the Dobson books and other ministry helps in raising children… but all you need is God’s book… the rest is just secondary and should never contradict God’s instructions in how to raise children.

13.  Train them remembering continually how God trains His children.
   
The Bible tells us that God has an elect people, — a family in this world.  All poor sinners who have been convinced of sin, and fled to Jesus for peace, make up that family.  All of us who really believe on Christ for salvation are its members. 

Now God the Father is ever training the members of this family for their everlasting abode with Him in heaven.  He acts as a husbandman pruning his vines, that they may bear more fruit.  He knows the character of each of us, — our besetting sins, — our weaknesses, — our peculiar infirmities, — our special wants. 

He knows our works and where we dwell, who are our companions in life, and what are our trials, what our temptations, and what are our privileges.  He knows all these things, and is ever ordering all for our good.  He allots to each of us, in His providence, the very things we need, in order to bear the most fruit, — as much of sunshine as we can stand, and as much of rain, — as much of bitter things as we can bear, and as much of sweet. 

Reader, if you would train your children wisely, mark well how God the Father trains His.  He doeth all things well; the plan which He adopts must be right.
   
See, then, how many things there are which God withholds from His children.  Few could be found, I suspect, among them who have not had desires which He has never been pleased to fulfil.  There has often been some one thing they wanted to attain, and yet there has always been some barrier to prevent attainment.  It has been just as if God was placing it above our reach, and saying, “This is not good for you; this must not be.” Moses desired exceedingly to cross over Jordan, and see the goodly land of promise; but you will remember his desire was never granted.
   
See, too, how often God leads His people by ways which seem dark and mysterious to our eyes.  We cannot see the meaning of all His dealings with us; we cannot see the reasonableness of the path in which our feet are treading. 

Sometimes so many trials have assailed us, — so many difficulties encompassed us, — that we have not been able to discover the needs-be of it all.  It has been just as if our Father was taking us by the hand into a dark place and saying, “Ask no questions, but follow Me.” There was a direct road from Egypt to Canaan, yet Israel was not led into it; but round, through the wilderness.  And this seemed hard at the time.  “The soul of the people,” we are told, “was much discouraged because of the way” (Exod. 13:17; Num. 21:4).
   
See, also, how often God chastens His people with trial and affliction.  He sends them crosses and disappointments; He lays them low with sickness; He strips them of property and friends; He changes them from one position to another; He visits them with things most hard to flesh and blood; and some of us have well- nigh fainted under the burdens laid upon us.  We have felt pressed beyond strength, and have been almost ready to murmur at the hand which chastened us.  Paul the Apostle had a thorn in the flesh appointed him, some bitter bodily trial, no doubt, though we know not exactly what it was.  But this we know, — he besought the Lord thrice that it might be removed; yet it was not taken away (2 Cor. 12:8,9).
   
Now, reader, notwithstanding all these things, did you ever hear of a single child of God who thought his Father did not treat him wisely? No, I am sure you never did.  God’s children would always tell you, in the long run, it was a blessed thing they did not have their own way, and that God had done far better for them than they could have done for themselves.  Yes! And they could tell you, too, that God’s dealings had provided more happiness for them than they ever would have obtained themselves, and that His way, however dark at times, was the way of pleasantness and the path of peace.
   
I ask you to lay to heart the lesson which God’s dealings with His people is meant to teach you.  Fear not to withhold from your child anything you think will do him harm, whatever his own wishes may be.  This is God’s plan.  Hesitate not to lay on him commands, of which he may not at present see the wisdom, and to guide him in ways which may not now seem reasonable to his mind.  This is God’s plan.
   
Shrink not from chastising and correcting him whenever you see his soul’s health requires it, however painful it may be to your feelings; and remember medicines for the mind must not be rejected because they are bitter.  This is God’s plan.
   
And be not afraid, above all, that such a plan of training will make your child unhappy.  I warn you against this delusion. Depend on it, there is no surer road to unhappiness than always having our own way.  To have our wills checked and denied is a blessed thing for us; it makes us value enjoyments when they come. To be indulged perpetually is the way to be made selfish; and selfish people and spoiled children, believe me, are seldom happy.
   
Reader, be not wiser than God; — train your children as He trains His.

This one is a good one…
This twelfth point is one that our entire nation is currently reaping the consequences…

12.  Train them with a constant fear of over-indulgence.
   
This is the one point of all on which you have most need to be on your guard.  It is natural to be tender and affectionate towards your own flesh and blood, and it is the excess of this very tenderness and affection which you have to fear.  Take heed that it does not make you blind to your children’s faults, and deaf to all advice about them.  Take heed lest it make you overlook bad conduct, rather than have the pain of inflicting punishment and correction.
   
I know well that punishment and correction are disagreeable things.  Nothing is more unpleasant than giving pain to those we love, and calling forth their tears.  But so long as hearts are what hearts are, it is vain to suppose, as a general rule, that children can ever be brought up without correction.
   
Spoiling is a very expressive word, and sadly full of meaning. Now it is the shortest way to spoil children to let them have their own way, — to allow them to do wrong and not to punish them for it.  Believe me, you must not do it, whatever pain it may cost you unless you wish to ruin your children’s souls.
   
You cannot say that Scripture does not speak expressly on this subject: “He that spareth his rod, hateth his son; but he that loveth him, chasteneth him betimes” (Prov. 13:24). “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (Prov. 19:18).  “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child: but the rod of correction shall drive it from him” (Prov. 22:15).  “Withhold not correction from the child, for if thou beatest him with the rod he shall not die.  Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell” (Prov. 23:13,14).  “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest, yea, he shall give delight to thy soul” (Prov. 29:15,17).
   
How strong and forcible are these texts! How melancholy is the fact, that in many Christian families they seem almost unknown! Their children need reproof, but it is hardly ever given; they need correction, but it is hardly ever employed.  And yet this book of Proverbs is not obsolete and unfit for Christians.  It is given by inspiration of God, and profitable.  It is given for our learning, even as the Epistles to the Romans and Ephesians. Surely the believer who brings up his children without attention to its counsel is making himself wise above that which is written, and greatly errs.
   
Fathers and mothers, I tell you plainly, if you never punish your children when they are in fault, you are doing them a grievous wrong.  I warn you, this is the rock on which the saints of God, in every age, have only too frequently made shipwreck. 

I would fain persuade you to be wise in time, and keep clear of it. See it in Eli’s case.  His sons Hophni and Phinehas “made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.” He gave them no more than a tame and lukewarm reproof, when he ought to have rebuked them sharply.  In one word, he honoured his sons above God. And what was the end of these things? He lived to hear of the death of both his sons in battle, and his own grey hairs were brought down with sorrow to the grave (1 Sam. 2:22-29, 3:13).
   
See, too, the case of David.  Who can read without pain the history of his children, and their sins? Amnon’s incest, — Absalom’s murder and proud rebellion, — Adonijah’s scheming ambition: truly these were grievous wounds for the man after God’s own heart to receive from his own house.  But was there no fault on his side? I fear there can be no doubt there was.  I find a clue to it all in the account of Adonijah in 1 Kings 1:6: “His father had not displeased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so?” There was the foundation of all the mischief.  David was an over-indulgent father, — a father who let his children have their own way, — and he reaped according as he had sown.
   
Parents, I beseech you, for your children’s sake, beware of over-indulgence.  I call on you to remember, it is your first duty to consult their real interests, and not their fancies and likings; — to train them, not to humour them — to profit, not merely to please.
   
You must not give way to every wish and caprice of your child’s mind, however much you may love him.  You must not let him suppose his will is to be everything, and that he has only to desire a thing and it will be done.  Do not, I pray you, make your children idols, lest God should take them away, and break your idol, just to convince you of your folly.
   
Learn to say “No” to your children.  Show them that you are able to refuse whatever you think is not fit for them. Show them that you are ready to punish disobedience, and that when you speak of punishment, you are not only ready to threaten, but also to perform.  Do not threaten too much.  Threatened folks, and threatened faults, live long.  Punish seldom, but really and in good earnest, — frequent and slight punishment is a wretched system indeed. 
   
Beware of letting small faults pass unnoticed under the idea “it is a little one.” There are no little things in training children; all are important.  Little weeds need plucking up as much as any.  Leave them alone, and they will soon be great.

Reader, if there be any point which deserves your attention, believe me, it is this one.  It is one that will give you trouble, I know.  But if you do not take trouble with your children when they are young, they will give you trouble when they are old. Choose which you prefer.

Well we have made it over half-way through our Train Up A Child journey with Mr JC Ryle. I have learned that as a parent we have been on the right track in alot of areas and this study has encouraged me to remain diligent and determined to stay on the right track. I have also learned that there are some areas that I need to work on…

11.  Train them to a habit of always redeeming the time.
   
Idleness is the devil’s best friend.  It is the surest way to give him an opportunity of doing us harm.  An idle mind is like an open door, and if Satan does not enter in himself by it, it is certain he will throw in something to raise bad thoughts in our souls.
   
No created being was ever meant to be idle.  Service and work is the appointed portion of every creature of God.  The angels in heaven work, — they are the Lord’s ministering servants, ever doing His will.  Adam, in Paradise, had work, — he was appointed to dress the garden of Eden, and to keep it.  The redeemed saints in glory will have work, “They rest not day and night singing praise and glory to Him who bought them.” And man, weak, sinful man, must have something to do, or else his soul will soon get into an unhealthy state.  We must have our hands filled, and our minds occupied with something, or else our imaginations will soon ferment and breed mischief.
   
And what is true of us, is true of our children too.  Alas, indeed, for the man that has nothing to do! The Jews thought idleness a positive sin: it was a law of theirs that every man should bring up his son to some useful trade, — and they were right.  They knew the heart of man better than some of us appear to do.
   
Idleness made Sodom what she was.  “This was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her” (Ezek. 16:49).  Idleness had much to do with David’s awful sin with the wife of Uriah. — I see in 2 Sam. 11 that Joab went out to war against Ammon, “but David tarried still at Jerusalem.” Was not that idle? And then it was that he saw Bathsheba, — and the next step we read of is his tremendous and miserable fall.
   
Verily, I believe that idleness has led to more sin than almost any other habit that could be named.  I suspect it is the mother of many a work of the flesh, — the mother of adultery, fornication, drunkenness, and many other deeds of darkness that I have not time to name.  Let your own conscience say whether I do not speak the truth.  You were idle, and at once the devil knocked at the door and came in.
   
And indeed I do not wonder; — everything in the world around us seems to teach the same lesson.  It is the still water which becomes stagnant and impure: the running, moving streams are always clear.  If you have steam machinery, you must work it, or it soon gets out of order.  If you have a horse, you must exercise him; he is never so well as when he has regular work.  If you would have good bodily health yourself, you must take exercise. 

If you always sit still, your body is sure at length to complain.  And just so is it with the soul.  The active moving mind is a hard mark for the devil to shoot at.  Try to be always full of useful employment, and thus your enemy will find it difficult to get room to sow tares. 

Reader, I ask you to set these things before the minds of your children.  Teach them the value of time, and try to make them learn the habit of using it well.  It pains me to see children idling over what they have in hand, whatever it may be.  I love to see them active and industrious, and giving their whole heart to all they do; giving their whole heart to lessons, when they have to learn; — giving their whole heart even to their amusements, when they go to play.
   
But if you love them well, let idleness be counted a sin in your family.