Bi-Polar Spring

We have had what I have decided to deem a bi-polar spring. In the first of March everything seemed to be going smooth… God was opening doors for speaking engagements, my husband was in line for a promotion at work, our youngest that had struggled with illness since birth due to an immune deficiency had not been sick for over a year, a lady drove up in our driveway to pay us cash for the house we had taken off the market because in a year we never even received a second time looker, we had found our “dream house”, put in an offer and it was accepted, and I was allowed the honor of becoming the Children’s Ministry Director at our church, an area of ministry that I am very passionate about (well I am not sure if there is an area of ministry that I am not passionate about, lol, I just think serving God and His people is just flat out a passionate thing).

So here in the Vaughn household we were having what I decided to call a “Facing the Giants” moment with God. Life on this earth was good.

Now it’s the end of May.

As far as I know I haven’t even been considered for a speaking engagement, the promotion didn’t happen, we were at the hospital with our youngest this week about to be rushed into surgery for an appendix, that ended up not being her appendix, but her white blood cell count has bottomed out and we are now back on the blood test roller-coaster (this breaks my heart), the lady that was going to write us a check for our house has no money, so our dream house is slipping away as also did the money we were going to use to make some changes in our current home before she drove up in the driveway, and well so far I haven’t been fired as Children’s Ministry Director… so that’s the only bright side thus far.

As I have walked… no, moped around, this past couple of months I have doubted my ability to hear God, to follow God, to experience God… how crazy.

I realized the depth of my doubt when I had a little, what is it called… a “Freudian slip”. I was about to send our realtor a text that was supposed to say, “Well we will have to wait and see if **** will come through” but what I began to text was, “Well we will have to wait and see if God will come through”… cold chills went down my back at the moment I realized what I had done…

Me?

Did I just almost text that?

How could I even think such a thing?

I couldn’t deny that I had… there it was staring at me in the face… talk about an about face with the Heavenly Father… after all that He has done from me… and here I am saying such “Israelites and the rabble out in the wilderness” kind of stuff.

I realize that God is constantly in a process of adjusting my attitude… how thankful I am that He only lets me get so far before He jerks a knot in me.

Now I sit out here in my sacred spot… that I had forsaken for the spring… knowing now it was my pouting against my God and I read Revelation 5 and I think who in the world do I think I am to play this silly game with the One who is worthy to hold the scroll?

Who am I to treat the One that that every created thing which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and on the sea cries,

To Him who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb,

be blessing and honor and glory and dominion forever and ever.

Revelation 5:13

 

Who in the world am I to sit here and complain while the myriads of angels, the twenty-four elders, and the four living creatures fall down and worship Him…

I think I shall join them

and fall down on my face before Him

and worship…

 

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