Crazy Brain

 

Of course, this side of heaven we will not do perfectly. Harsh words will be spoken, patience will wear thin. Frazzled mothers will act frazzled. And when this happens, our own sinfulness does not detract from the power of the gospel, it illustrates why we need it. Do not use your own mistakes as an excuse to wallow about what a bad mother you are. Repent, seek forgiveness, get it right, and move on. Believe. Be forgiven. Extend that forgiveness, that belief, that joy, to your children.

As you go about your daily transformations, set your heart on the truth. Mimic the gospel in what you do. Bring peace, bring order, bring joy, bring laughter. Bring it because it was brought to you. Give, because it was given to you. The gospel is not too big to fit into little situations. It is too big not to.

~ Rachel Jankovic

 

Yesterday… or well probably the last many days I have had to fight the thoughts that driving into a concrete wall head first at 140 miles per hour would make a wonderful solution to having to deal with getting so consumed and irritated and frustrated with the things of life. I mean after all I wouldn’t have to worry about my husband and children feeling the failure of my attempts to be a wife and mother and I wouldn’t have to deal with the thoughts of all the opportunities I missed to be a friend… the phone calls I forgot to make, the cards I forgot to mail, the emails I forgot to send. I could just go home…

But sadly isn’t those thoughts my greatest moments of rebellion toward my God.

“Yeh God, so You won’t fix me? You won’t fix this feelings of failure, and You keep refusing to either remove them or remove me from this earth and just bring me home to You… well I will show You who is boss… I will come home on my terms… watch this!”

Then the utter feeling of despair in my sinful flesh and mind come crashing down around me and I just want to ball up in a corner somewhere and cry until it all goes away… loving is hard. It so very hard. Especially when no amount of love ever seems to be enough and one moment can seem to destroy years of investment…

How easily I can allow the wait to discourage my hope and destroy my joy.

I think of how grateful I am that God is love. I think of how grateful I am that although I so many times doubt His love, His will, His ways… He still faithfully loves me. He doesn’t forsake me. He also will not allow me to forsake my purpose. He refuses to allow me to throw my hands up in the air and say that I am done with life.

Please know that I have no doubt that if I had not my Christ… I would have been dead long ago. The torments that my mind can play on me are just to much for me to bare apart from Him. My mind is my enemy. That is why I must renew it constantly with the Word of God. I must fill it with truth to counteract and fight against the lies that the enemy of soul bombs me with almost constantly.

That is why I love my quiet time, my study time, my worship time so… the enemy can’t touch me here. I am only HIS when I am here. It’s when I have to walk away… step out in life… the part of life that I find absolutely silly and repulsive and a waste of time. I watch us on tv. America, with all our excess… shoving food in our face, whoring our bodies, and then acting as though we care for the least of these so we can give a chunk of change to an organization and not have to change our lifestyle… and this is what we pat ourselves on the back for.

There are moments that I want to throw all caution to the wind and just go out and spend my day fighting to save eternal lives… because I feel the time is so short and I get so frustrated because my life is not mine to do that. I belong to everyone else… I don’t belong to me. I don’t know if I ever will again.

The choices I make, the places I go, the things I do, are always to make someone else happy to meet someone else’s needs, to not hurt someone’s feelings… yet every effort I make to be all things to all people never is enough. I feel as though I am so very often condemned for just being me.

You need to take what you believe and apply it to these difficult moments. Does the Bible teach us that God is disgusted by our frailty? That he doesn’t want to carry our burdens? That he doesn’t have the energy to deal with us?

~ Rachel Jankovic 

I pour this out in this post, all the craziness that is bouncing around in the Christ-loving brain of mine. I so often look for His return. For His rescue. For His explanation…

How often I self condemn myself for these thoughts… really expecting God to explain His wait to me. To explain His patience, purpose, plan, and position. Asking one more sign of proof that He even really loves me… When really I am just a spoiled child who likes my moments of confirmation and conviction much more than my moments of simply walking by faith in what I already know of Him and His love and purpose for me and my life.

How thankful I am that God is not disgusted with my frailty. He likes me, really likes me. He loves me. He doesn’t get irritated or frustrated with the things that make me, me. He created me to be me. He doesn’t condemn me for being me. He takes me and weeds out what sin and Satan are attempting to contaminate and He conforms me more and more into the image of His Son… my Jesus.

I am a work in progress. Always a work in progress. I have not obtained perfection… yet still I seek it. I press on. I fight the good fight. I refuse to allow any hurt, any pain, to be in vain. God will use it to mold me, shape me, prepare me…

Well I have spent this morning wallowing in my self… and now it is time to get up and shake off this muck of fleshliness, because some how in the midst of this confession… He has restored my soul and I am ready for today.

 

 

 

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