In our parenting class this past Sunday we discussed the importance of teaching our children honor. With this lesson came the question from one of the parents, “What is the difference between respect and honor?”
In the commandments God tells us to honor our father and our mother (Exodus 20:12) and in Ephesians 6:1 we read, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
This parent had a great question. How do we teach honor to our children and how is that different from teaching them respect? Who do you respect and why? Who do you honor and why? How do you show respect and how do you share honor?
In the Hebrew honor in verse Exodus 20:12 is kabad and the short Strong’s definition is to be heavy, weighty, or burdensome. According to the Vine’s Concise Dictionary in its verb form used in Exodus 20:12 it means to give high praise and status to another in word and deed.
In the Greek obey in Ephesians 6:1 is hupakouó and the Strong’s definition is acting under the authority of the one speaking, i.e. really listening to the one giving the charge (order), (“to hearken, obey”) suggests attentively listening, i.e. fully compliant (responsive).
So this is what it means to honor and this is what it means to obey.
Now what about respect?
As I look through the New Testament Scriptures… the word respect is not used in connection with a child parent relationship… and it is used only once in the husband and wife relationship.
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
This word, respects, in the Greek is phobētai and it means to reverence, venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience. It is usually translated as fear or being afraid and is most often used used in relation to man’s relationship with God, that we are to fear GOD alone and not any other man. This is the only verse in the New Testament that uses this Greek word for respect in the context of the relationship of husband and wife. It also is the only occurrence in the New Testament that uses this Greek word as a verb in present tense, subjunctive mood, middle or passive voice.
The present tense means this is a continuous action. The subjunctive mood means that this a conditional clause, strong suggestion, or a polite command. It implies some doubt regarding the reality of the action from the speaker’s point of view and shows that this is an action that may or should happen. Middle voice means that the subject was acted upon and passive means that the subject initiates the action and participates in the results of the action.
In Ephesians 5:33 it looks to me that Paul is saying husbands if you will love your wife she will respect you, but wife you should choose to respect your husband even if he is not loving you as you think he should and if you do you will reap the results of this choice.
When God uses the word respect in Ephesians 5:33 I believe that God politely requests that a wife respect her husband… because by doing so it shows that she respects herself.
I’ll let you ponder on that…
In Ephesians 6:1 the word obey, or hypakouete, is in the present tense, imperative mood, and active voice. This means it is to be a continuous action and is used to express a command and it is the subject that produces the action.
Now in Luke 18:20 Jesus quotes the Hebrew command and in its translation into the Greek He uses the word timaó and it means to properly, assign value (give honor), as it reflects the personal esteem (value, preciousness) attached to it by the beholder. In this verse this Greek verb for honor is also in the present tense, imperative mood, and active voice.
Now in the English, the word respect in the verb form means to admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. In the English the word honor in the verb form means to highly respect.
So as we look at honor and respect in our English language we don’t see much difference in the two words… but in the language used by God to originally record His Word they hold very different meanings.
According to our English language respect and honor are conditional. They are reserved for those we have decided are worthy of receiving them according to their abilities, qualities, and achievements. We respect the position and the person who is able to get to that position or through that performance that we have placed on a pedestal is the one who gets that respect… but those below that… we don’t think we have to respect. Therefore respect is conditional according to what we deem as achievements within our own personal context.
Great fighters respect other great fighters. However those who believe fighting is animalistic and cruel have no respect for anyone who does that for a living. Great hunters respect other great hunters, but those who believe hunting is wrong have no respect for those who do it. Thus the reason some stand and applaud something that others choose to get up and walk away from.
In God’s Word there is a big difference between respect and honor. (Actually I don’t really recall God using the word respect at all in the same way that we do.) We are to submit to authority because we respect God. So our submission as wives to our husband, as employees to our employer, or as citizens to our government is out of respect or fear of our God. We show our trust in Him as we choose to willingly obey in these areas… even when we might not agree or find it easy to do.
As we look at the parent child relationship… God never uses the word respect. He uses obey and honor. At the very least a child is to obey their parents. Teaching our children obedience to us, is teaching them to really listen to what we say and to be fully compliant to our instructions. We also need to note that according to the tense, mood, and voice… this is not a polite suggestion to our children. It is a command.
I believe that when we look at Exodus 20:12 and Luke 18:20 at the word honor, this is God’s heart for our children. To Honor. Honor is something that has nothing to do with the one being honored. It has everything to do with the beholder. Honor is placing value on someone because of who they are, not because of what they do… or don’t do. Honor is saying someone is priceless to you. Honor is saying this person has value and worth. Honor means that you carry a weight and burden for this person within yourself.
Honor is huge.
I believe honor is something that is directly connected with love. Honor is more than our English definition of having great respect. Honor is about having great love.
Honoring someone means that you care so deeply for them that it comes out in your words and deeds. It’s not lip service and it’s not obedience out of a command and submission to authority… It is so much more.
Honor goes above and beyond and does more than is expected because they value the relationship and the person.
I believe the only way to teach honor is to first show honor. Jesus did not just show respect for people… He honored them. He showed by His words and deeds that He valued people. Look at His example with His disciples. I believe we need to use this same model with our children.
Honor is not coddling them. Jesus did not coddle His disciples. He taught them by example and He expected great things from them and He called them to do great things.
I don’t believe God wants our children to obey us out of fear any more than He wants us to obey Him out of fear… He wants HONOR and so should we.
Teaching kids to honor others
We love to teach about honor. One of the parts of our honor definition is that we do more than what’s expected. That means seeing what needs to be done and doing it. It means solving problems instead leaving them for others. One family had a sign in their kitchen that read:
If it’s broken, fix it.
If it’s empty, fill it up.
If it’s open, shut it.
If it’s out, put it away.
If it’s messy, clean it up.
If you can’t, then report it.
That’s honor.
Take time to teach kids that they don’t have to wait for an instruction in order to do a job. Honor means that we’re looking for what needs to be done and take initiative. In fact, you may instruct a child to go around the classroom or house and look for one job that needs to be done and do it, then report back to you.
~ The Christian Parenting Handbook
And He summoned the twelve and began to send them out in pairs, and gave them authority over the unclean spirits; and He instructed them that they should take nothing for their journey, except a mere staff—no bread, no bag, no money in their belt— but to wear sandals; and He added, “Do not put on two tunics.” And He said to them, “Wherever you enter a house, stay there until you leave town. Any place that does not receive you or listen to you, as you go out from there, shake the dust off the soles of your feet for a testimony against them.” They went out and preached that men should repent. And they were casting out many demons and were anointing with oil many sick people and healing them.
Mark 6:7-12
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The apostles gathered together with Jesus; and they reported to Him all that they had done and taught.
Mark 6:30
Have you ever considered the importance of teaching your children honor and not just obedience?
If you have, what are some ways that you have done so?