A Salvation Experience

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On November 9th in the year 1992, at the age of 15, I wrote the following as someone who thought she knew the Lord. I had believed Jesus was who He said He was. I had believed I was indeed a sinner, just like He said I was. I had confessed all this and been baptized three years prior:

“Image”

Depression lingers on my soul
I’m falling deep, too deep under his control
I don’t understand my actions
I’m hurt, I’m scared, I’m shattered
I’m reaching for fulfillment in the wrong places
I’m turning to all the wrong faces
Help me Lord to straighten my life
Help me to handle these strifes
Words come out of my mouth I don’t mean
Obscenities, temptations, even in my dreams
If I don’t turn around now there’s no telling how far I’d go
Straight to hell, more than likely, as far as I know
Help me Lord to withstand the temptations
Help me to fight these implications
I want to get drunk, get high, get laid
Yet all of these things I look upon with disdain
I feel fat, ugly, inferior, and rejected
Are these true or do I stand corrected?
Help me Lord to see a portrait of myself
Am I really worthless or of some importance?
Help me Lord I need to know
Help me I need you so.

Two years later on October 2nd in the year 1997, at the age of 17, I wrote the following:

“The Battle”

Strange and indescribable feelings float through my heart and soul
Are they feelings of guilt, of needing to change my life?
I really don’t know
They only come to me at night,
When it’s time to turn out the lights,
When you stop to think,
When you analyze your life,
When you think of the future,
When you wonder what’s in store.
They feel sort of like nervous butterflies fluttering around in my gut.
It bothers me because I can’t figure out what they’re for.
They come to me often.
They have for years.
Making me feel uncomfortable and scared to fall asleep.
Scared because it’s a feeling like the end.
A feeling like I won’t awake.
Like this is my last night on earth,
Yet so far I always do.
Should I worry about these feelings,
Take them as a premonition,
Or do I just ignore?
They feel as if they are my demons
That have seeped into my soul.
Yet they feel as if they are the Lord
Trying to save my soul.
Possibly it is a battle,
A battle between the two,
That has been raging through my conscience
That has always been at war,
Each one fighting for control.
One fighting for truth and good,
The other for the evils that I can do.
Each one trying to pull me his way
Yet it seems between them I sway.
Once wanting to live right and mend and stop my mistakes
Then doing the wrong without it bothering me at all
Not at all until these feelings come
Making me stop and review
Making me want to slap myself for the stupid things I do.
When I am alone I apologize for my sins
Seeing them as wrong and knowing this completely
Yet each time I step outside and enter the world
I push these apologies aside
And do again what I’ve begged forgiveness for.
I don’t believe I’ll ever understand
I don’t think I’ll ever get control
I feel as if I will always be at war.
I guess I need more strength
I need more room to grow
I need more self-respect
I need myself to get to know
I must decide what’s important
And get rid of what needs to go.

I wrote these poems having never read the book of Romans. If you read the struggle the one called “I” is going through in Romans 7:14-24, you will see that it is the exact struggle that I was going through. That I continued to go through until December 9th 2001.

You see just like this “I”, I was still in bondage to sin (Rom 7:14). I didn’t understand why I wanted to do good but couldn’t, and why I didn’t want to do evil, but couldn’t stop myself (Rom 7:15).

I hated myself.

Like this “I” in Romans 7:22, I knew that the Law of God was good and that I needed to be living according to it, but no matter what I did I could not do it. No matter how many times I “rededicated” my life, I still was a prisoner to the law of sin (Rom 7:23).

You see I was still trying to earn my way to God. I was still trying to obey the Law to be righteous. I was trying to do what the preacher told me to do. I said my prayer. I did the baptism. I followed my religions rules.

I did the works, but oh precious one, works without faith is dead (James 2:26).

You see this whole journey had always focused on me. My hurts, my failures, my wrongs, my sins, it was always about the fear of hell, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of not measuring up.

Oh but precious one, God had me, He never gave up on me.

You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit...
John 15:16

In my last poem I wrote that I needed “myself to get to know”, and that’s exactly what God was doing. He was letting me see myself for who I really was. A slave to sin.

The whole time I kept calling out to Him, and the whole time He kept drawing me unto Himself. Then one day it finally hit me. Listening to the testimony of a godly woman it hit me. It wasn’t just about my sins, it wasn’t just about getting rid of guilt, it was about Him. It was about turning away from anything that would keep me from Him, even if that meant my very self.

Suddenly nothing else mattered but HIM.

I wanted nothing but to know HIM and to be known by HIM. I didn’t care if I had a “perfect” life. I just wanted to be with God. I just wanted to hear HIS voice. To feel His presence. And at that moment I did! At that moment He revived me. At that moment HIS very presence completely overwhelmed me and I finally understood what it meant to become a new creation in Christ, the moment I died, I became alive, in Him!

It was at this moment I was wholly surrendered!

Here’s a poem I wrote on July 1st, in the year 2003, 2 years after becoming free:

“Independence Day”

Once a slave in bondage
Captivated by sin
Once a puppet controlled
by the evil within
Once defeated, beat down,
by choices made
Once weak, once weary
intimidated, afraid
Once ashamed, and disgraced
and doomed to die
Once dead in my sin
Now brought to life!
Glory, hallelujah, praises to His name
Glory, hallelujah, it’s Independence Day!
The battle is over
the Victory is won
I now have freedom
by faith in the Son
The shackles are loosed
Christ tore them away
No longer controlled, no longer a slave
No longer defeated, No longer abhorred
For greater is He that is in me
Than he that is in the world
Glory, hallelujah, praises to His name
Glory, hallelujah, it’s Independence Day
Free at last, free at last
Thank God Almighty I am free at last
Free to sing, free to dance
Free from the pain of mistakes of the past
No more shame, no more fear
no more emptiness within
No more bitterness, no more hate
I am filled by HIM
I saw the Light at the cross
I fell at His feet
I gave Him all my burdens
He allowed me to weep
I cried out all my fear
I cried out all my sins
He gave me forgiveness
He gave me a new chance to begin
Glory, hallelujah, praises to His name
Glory, hallelujah, it’s Independence Day!
In Christ is our freedom
In Jesus is our peace
From lasting to everlasting
From the west to the east
From mountain to valley
From sea to shining sea
I live, I live!

Because Jesus died for me.

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