A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city,
And contentions are like the bars of a citadel.
Proverbs 18:19
I keep asking God is this selfishness? Am I overreacting? Is this illegitimate hurt? Why has this stung to the core of my very being? Dear God, don’t allow my heart to grow hard…
I have never wanted to recluse so bad in my entire life. The introvert in me is at level highest ever. The walls of protection around my heart are not being built with straw, but strong concrete blocks… something that the big bad wolf that threatens to destroy all the faith that I had ever placed in friendship could never huff and puff and blow down.
This doesn’t seem to sting my father, but it stings me deep. It stings with the wrath of a hornets nest, no, more like a tracker jacker’s nest. Because it has made me utter delusional. Delusional that I keep going back. I keep looking, hoping maybe I have missed something… may it’s not what it appears. Maybe they just didn’t care to send cards or hope our way, but they are sending them to him.
We consoled ourselves with the reality that the others didn’t worship there. They just don’t see them, life gets busy, Sunday is busy. Of course it just slips their mind. They care, surely they are praying with us, for them, for us…
I could handle all the rest. I could. I could justify the lack. It’s me and Jesus. I got that. I do. Our expectations were too high. I get that. Whenever you expect anything you will be let down. Expect nothing and even the three cards will be enough… right. Three cards… three. That’s it. Three cards since May. Three cards and one gift of a book and a hand made blanket.
Tell me. Please someone tell me. How can anyone expect me to worship in a place where no one wears white.