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>Lifting Grace

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Now the young lady pleased him
and found favor with him.
Esther 2:9

Esther exhibited a grace-filled charm and elegance. In this verse, the literal translation of the original language says, “She lifted up grace before his face.” Isn’t that a beautiful expression? Though she was brought to the harem and participated in these things reluctantly, Esther did not display a sour attitude. I’m convinced she sensed God’s hand in her situation. Why else would she have been there? ~ Swindoll


I would have to say that one of the most important lessons that God is teaching me in and through my marriage is how to give grace. Isn’t it a funny thing how we seem to be able to easily offer grace to the stranger on the street, to the hurting on the mission field, to the friend that’s lost as a goose, but we will find ourselves unwilling to give grace to our own spouse.

We place this expectation of perfection on them and this unspoken demand that they should be able to read our minds and know exactly what we need and want, when we need and want it, the way we need and want it. We expect them never to be angry or frustrated or make a mistake and they simply must just understand us perfectly.

My husband and I have finally learned in our 13 years of marriage that we filter things differently. We see things differently. We understand things differently. We interpret things differently. It took us a while to realize that we have a breakdown in communication between the female and male way of thinking and doing.

One of the most powerful illustrations of the realization I have for this breakdown happened not long ago.
You see I am not “Betty Crocker” at all. I can cook, but I do not love to cook. If I am given the slightest out on cooking I am taking it.

“Oh, your mother wants us to come out for dinner tonight, well great!” (I truly love my mother-in-laws cooking!)
“You’re still full from a late lunch? Okay, the girls and I will have a bowl of cereal.”
“You want to go eat where? That’s sounds like a plan to me.”

Like I said I can cook and usually my food is pretty tasty, but I am a klutz in the kitchen. I literally have kitchen wars battle scars all over my arms and hands from the past 13 years of cooking for my husband.
I always manage to make a mess.  I will spill something, boil something over, knock something over, freakish things will happen to me in the kitchen when I am just tying to do the simplest thing.

Once I was in the middle of making out of the box mac & cheese and I go to shake down the pack of powdered cheese and in mid shake the package opens itself and me and my kitchen are now covered in powdered cheese. I found scattered powdered cheese for weeks.

Now on the opposite end my husband loves to cook and he is a wonderful cook. I mean he is in the “he could do this for a living if he wanted to” category of good. And while I am here in my kitchen klutz mode with battle scars and powdered cheese I felt that I could never meet his standard of cooking and that he was comparing me to all those women on the Food Network who are talking about feeding their men, oh you know, the Barefoot Contessa and her Jeffrey and Paula Dean and her Michael.
I mean I could never be them.

So this is where my cooking frustration is rooted.

Now back to the realization illustration… On one particular day I am cooking dinner and the usual freakish things and injuries are taking place as I attempt to prepare this meal. My husband is in the kitchen and I mouth off my usual “This is why I hate cooking!”  

As I mouthed how I hated cooking, what my husband heard was “I hate taking care of you!”

Ouch!

Of course, me, knowing what I knew about myself, when he let me know this was what he heard, I grew indignant at his response. I thought how in the world can you even think such a thing! That’s ridiculous!

Major miscommunication.

Because in truth what I wanted was my husband to see how much I sacrifice in order to take care of him by the fact that I am willing to suffer the battle scars and the messes made by my kitchen klutzdom. But the words coming out of my mouth counter-acted my actions.

I displayed a sour attitude and I did not lift up grace to my husband. I was playing the martyr. I think that possibly I was even trying to manipulate him through guilt into saying something encouraging to me as I struggled there before the stove. I was sending signals and expecting to hear words of his great appreciation as he acknowledged my willing sacrifice to do this cooking thing I hated so much just because I loved him.
I certainly was not expecting that he would interpret my words as hating to take care of him and our family.

Major backfire.

So here is where grace comes in. My husband knows me very well. Most likely better than any other mortal on the earth besides my parents, but he cannot read my mind. I know my husband very well. Most likely more than any other mortal on the earth besides his parents, but I cannot read his mind.

Neither of us are perfect.
Neither of us can assume everything about the other.
Both of us are growing and changing as we grow in the knowledge of the Lord and in His wisdom.
Both of us have flesh that grows weary and frustrated and sick.
Both of us have needs and wants and particular ways we prefer to have things done.
We understand each other perty well, but not yet perfectly, but we are pressing on for maturity.

As we press on we must lift up grace. If we are to receive grace we must first be willing to give grace. The only way we are able to receive the grace of God is because God was first willing to give it to us. Grace is a gift. Ladies, if we have received grace from God we can give it to our husbands. Let us lavish grace and mercy on them the way that God has lavished His on us.

In Him we have redemption through His blood,
the forgiveness of our trespasses,
according to the riches of His grace 
which He lavished on us.
In all wisdom and insight 
He made known to us the mystery of His will,
according to His kind intention
which He purposed in Him.
Ephesians 1:7-9
Notice that in the grace that was lavished on us God made known the mystery of His will. He does not expect us to read His mind or figure Him out by sending “signals”. In His offered grace He flat out makes known what He wants from us, what He needs from us, and the way He prefers it to be done and also notice it was according to His kind intention, not finger-shaking, head-bobbing, foot-stomping, harsh demand.
So your challenges:
1) Lift up grace before his face. Think of at least one thing that you have been “giving signals” over and then have pouted over because he didn’t get the signal. Offer him grace. Don’t assume he is ignoring the “signal”. Go to him and make known the mystery of your will and do it with kindness not in an accusatory or belittling tone.  
2) Look for God’s hand in a situation that you are not particularly happy to be in. Think of at least one thing that you do for your husband with “a sour attitude” and turn that sour attitude into sweet submission trusting that God’s hand is at work in him and in you and in your marriage.

Names of God – Elohim

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When we open to the first verse of the first chapter of the Bible the first thing God does is introduce Himself to us with one of His names.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
Genesis 1:1
God in Genesis 1:1 in the Hebrew is “Elohim“.
So what exactly does this name tell us about our God?
To find out we must first look at the context. What is God doing when He uses this particular name for Himself? When we look we see that He is creating the heavens and the earth. This is God’s name to show us that He is the Creator God.
The name Elohim is a noun masculine and it is also plural.
In the very beginning God our Creator introduces Himself to us as the Trinity.
When we read further in this first chapter of the Word we read,
Let Us make man in Our image…
Genesis 1:26
Wow!
Now when we look back at the first few verses of this chapter we notice that we see this truth even more clearly…
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 
The earth was formless and void,
and darkness was over the surface of the deep,
and the Spirit of God was moving
over the surface of the waters. 
Then God said…,
Genesis 1:1-3
Now compare with the revealed mystery in the New Testament
In the beginning was the Word,
and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God
He was in the beginning with God. 
All things came into being through Him,
and apart from Him nothing came into being
that has come into being. ….
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us…
John 1:1-3, 14 
In the beginnings God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit… absolutely breathtakingly beautiful!
We also learn from the Hebrew definition of the word created that our Creator God creates out of nothing. We may say we create something but we in our creations we always start with something, but God creates out of nothing.
Our Creator God is so huge and powerful that He not only created this massive universe but He sustains it, orders it, controls it, and upholds it with only His word.
And He is the radiance of His glory
and the exact representation of His nature,
and upholds all things by the word of His power…
Hebrews 1:3
Not only this but our Creator God is so intimately involved with His creation that while He is upholding the entire universe by the word of His power He is also able to tenderly knit a life within the womb.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
Psalm 139:13

 

Oh precious one, how amazing is our Creator God! How can we ever doubt this God is so awesome that He can create and sustain galaxies and yet is so tender and able to draw so close to us that He knits life within our womb? He controls when and how and where the sun shines and a star falls and He also cares for the doe as she gives birth and makes sure a sparrow is fed and knows us so well that He has numbered every hair on our head. How easy it is to see why David cried out, wrote about, and sang about how he and we can find help in His name.

 Our help is in the name of the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth. 
Psalm 124:8

Introduction To A Study of The Names of God

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At our Homeschool Co-op we have a Chapel time during our snack time. We break bread (or popcorn) together while we study in the Word of God together. I have the privilege of leading this time.

As I considered this chapel time I had to recognize that we were a diverse group from different denominational backgrounds. I would also be teaching an age range from pre-school to adults. My dilemma was what did I need to focus on that would keep the attention span of a pre-schooler and yet also be edifying and encouraging for every age in the room including the adults, while not offending any one’s denominational doctrine.

As I was seeking God’s will for this chapel time and was asking Him what direction I needed to go in, He led me to Himself. He simply said… teach Me. So the chapel time is focused on learning the names of God.

We learn a new Hebrew name for God each week of co-op and we look at what that name means, where God teaches it to us, and how knowing it applies to our lives.

I introduced the study by sharing how I have had different names through out my life that have shared a part of who I am. My given name is Nicole Love Halbrooks. When I was growing up I got the name No-No from my cousin who is nine months younger than me because he could not say Nicole. My dad used to call me Sleufoot and my aunt called me Red.

When I got my drivers license I got the nickname Crash and Brick because I had several wrecks in a row, in one I totaled my parents brand new car by crashing through two brick columns, thus Crash and Brick. When my oldest niece was born I got the name Nay-Nay, and I am still Nay-Nay to all my nieces and nephews.

Then I met my husband and I became Nicole Love Halbrooks Vaughn. I became Wife and Stepmother to his beautiful daughter. Then I had my Shelby and Bekah and I became Momma. When I became a teacher, I became Mrs Nicole. These are just a few of the names that I have been given that have revealed a part of who I am.

In the same way God has revealed Himself to us in the names He has given us in Scripture. Each name shares a part of who He is and teaches us a little bit more of His character.

Some boast in chariots and some in horses,
But we will boast in the name of the LORD, our God.
Psalm 20:7
The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
The righteous runs into it and is safe. 
Proverbs 18:10
Our help is in the name of the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
Psalm 124:8
for
“WHOEVER WILL CALL
ON THE NAME OF THE LORD
WILL BE SAVED.”
Romans 10:13
These are just a small example of the plethora of Scripture that lets us know how important the name of our God is and should be too us.
So I invite you to join us in this study of the names of God…

>Kindle Afresh

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For this reason I remind you
to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you
through the laying on of my hands.
1 Timothy 1:6
I read this today in my quiet time… and I think maybe this is where I am right now. I need this gift of God which is in me kindled afresh. I feel drained and it’s not a physical drain… it’s a spiritual and emotional drain. I need kindled afresh, but I don’t know how.
And exactly who lays hands on the female teacher in the southern baptist church?
Who kindles me afresh?
About ten years ago Kay Arthur laid hands on me and prayed over me and I have held on to that for all these years… I have had hands laid on me since then to pray for me during my daughter’s illnesses and through life struggles… but I can’t recall another time when the gift of God that is in me was kindled afresh by the laying on of hands by anyone in leadership in my church… why is that?
I have been in meetings that have reminded me of my responsibilities, my obligations, and have sat through messages that have reminded me of the burden that I carry as a teacher and how important it is to accurately handle the Word of God… but other than breakfast before a meeting and a thank you for serving as a teacher… that’s it.
I have a weight and a great fear of teaching something wrong… because I am still learning myself… I have much opposition against my study time and writing time and I have reached a point that I often wonder if I am in the right place doing the right thing because I often feel so alone…
Here lately the thought of quitting it all and throwing in the towel is ever present… It’s a thought that I wrestle with a lot here lately…  Quit teaching. Quit blogging. Quit trying. Just quit.  
Yes I could go to a conference and receive a spiritual boost, but that costs money spent solely on me and time away from home and my responsibilities as wife and mother and keeper of the house… and I don’t get a check… so that’s just more worry on the bill thing that I don’t financially contribute to…

The easy thing to do…

Put the kids back in public school and get a job
(house would stay clean because we would never be in it and could lose/lessen paying bills worry with extra pay check)
Pew sit on Sunday and Wednesday
(lose fear of teaching something wrong and no more struggles over study time and spiritual drain)
Stop writing
(no more frustrations over book sales and/or struggles over writing time and wondering if anyone is even reading)
Become solely focused on husband and children
(that way I might forget that I am an individual with hopes and dreams and desires to be used by God to do amazing things for His kingdom and bring much glory to my Savior)

Hmmmmmm I don’t know…

I have dropped teaching responsibilities thinking that I was just on overload… but no, that didn’t help.
I have been on several “vacations” one in August when I tagged along on my husband’s business trip, September for our family vacation, and now when my girls and I were invited to tag along with my in-laws for my Daddy-in-laws golf tournament… in these I thought if I just “got away” for a while all would come back into perspective… but no, that hasn’t helped. 

So whatever I am going through is all me, because no matter what I change externally, my internal chaos remains… I can’t get away from me no matter what else I change.

Maybe I am just having a pity party and I need to get over it and suck it up…  

Maybe I am under attack because God is up to something and moving and Satan is busy distracting…
Maybe I just need kindled afresh…

So has anyone else been here?
Ladies?
Teachers?

Or am I really just as alone and crazy as I feel right now?

Train Up A Child Day 17

>My friend we have come to point 17. This is the final thought, the closing point, in the “The Duties of Parents” by JC Ryle. I hope you have learned as much as I have as we have dug into this paper one point at a time. I pray each truth has sunk in deep. How absolutely fitting that Mr Ryle closes this paper with a point that is focused on the power and necessity of prayer.

Train Up A Child Day Seventeen  

17.  Train them, lastly, with continual prayer for a blessing on all you do.
   
Without the blessing of the Lord, your best endeavours will do no good.  He has the hearts of all men in His hands, and except He touch the hearts of your children by His Spirit, you will weary yourself to no purpose.  Water, therefore, the seed you sow on their minds with unceasing prayer. 

The Lord is far more willing to hear than we to pray; far more ready to give blessings than we to ask them ; — but He loves to be entreated for them.  And I set this matter of prayer before you, as the top-stone and seal of all you do.  I suspect the child of many prayers is seldom cast away.
   
Look upon your children as Jacob did on his; he tells Esau they are “the children which God hath graciously given thy servant” (Gen. 33:5).  Look on them as Joseph did on his; he told his father, “They are the sons whom God hath given me” (Gen. 48:9).  Count them with the Psalmist to be “an heritage and reward from the Lord” (Ps. 127:3).  And then ask the Lord, with a holy boldness, to be gracious and merciful to His own gifts. 

Mark how Abraham intercedes for Ishmael, because he loved him, “Oh that Ishmael might live before thee” (Gen. 17:18).  See how Manoah speaks to the angel about Samson, “How shall we order the child, and how shall we do unto him?” (Judg. 13:12). 

Observe how tenderly Job cared for his children’s souls, “He offered burnt-offerings according to the number of them all, for he said, It may be my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.  Thus did Job continually” (Job 1:5). Parents, if you love your children, go and do likewise.  You cannot name their names before the mercy-seat too often.
   
And now, reader, in conclusion, let me once more press upon you the necessity and importance of using every single means in your power, if you would train children for heaven.
   
I know well that God is a sovereign God, and doeth all things according to the counsel of His own will.  I know that Rehoboam was the son of Solomon, and Manasseh the son of Hezekiah, and that you do not always see godly parents having a godly seed.  But I know also that God is a God who works by means, and sure am I, if you make light of such means as I have mentioned, your children are not likely to turn out well.
   
Fathers and mothers, you may take your children to be baptized, and have them enrolled in the ranks of Christ’s Church; — you may get godly sponsors to answer for them, and help you by their prayers; — you may send them to the best of schools, and give them Bibles and Prayer Books, and fill them with head knowledge but if all this time there is no regular training at home, I tell you plainly, I fear it will go hard in the end with your children’s souls. 

Home is the place where habits are formed; — home is the place where the foundations of character are laid; — home gives the bias to our tastes, and likings, and opinions.  See then, I pray you, that there be careful training at home.  Happy indeed is the man who can say, as Bolton did upon his dying bed, to his children, “I do believe not one of you will dare to meet me before the tribunal of Christ in an unregenerate state.”
   
Fathers and mothers, I charge you solemnly before God and the Lord Jesus Christ, take every pains to train your children in the way they should go.  I charge you not merely for the sake of your children’s souls; I charge you for the sake of your own future comfort and peace.  Truly it is your interest so to do. Truly your own happiness in great measure depends on it.  Children have ever been the bow from which the sharpest arrows have pierced man’s heart.
   
Children have mixed the bitterest cups that man has ever had to drink.  Children have caused the saddest tears that man has ever had to shed.  Adam could tell you so; Jacob could tell you so; David could tell you so.  There are no sorrows on earth like those which children have brought upon their parents. 

Oh! take heed, lest your own neglect should lay up misery for you in your old age.  Take heed, lest you weep under the ill-treatment of a thankless child, in the days when your eye is dim, and your natural force abated.
   
If ever you wish your children to be the restorers of your life, and the nourishers of your old age, — if you would have them blessings and not curses — joys and not sorrows — Judahs and not Reubens — Ruths and not Orpahs, — if you would not, like Noah, be ashamed of their deeds, and, like Rebekah, be made weary of your life by them: if this be your wish, remember my advice betimes, train them while young in the right way.
   
And as for me, I will conclude by putting up my prayer to God for all who read this paper, that you may all be taught of God to feel the value of your own souls.  This is one reason why baptism is too often a mere form, and Christian training despised and disregarded. 

Too often parents feel not for themselves, and so they feel not for their children.  They do not realize the tremendous difference between a state of nature and a state of grace, and therefore they are content to let them alone.
   
Now the Lord teach you all that sin is that abominable thing which God hateth.  Then, I know you will mourn over the sins of your children, and strive to pluck them out as brands from the fire.
   
The Lord teach you all how precious Christ is, and what a mighty and complete work He hath done for our salvation.  Then, I feel confident you will use every means to bring your children to Jesus, that they may live through Him. 

The Lord teach you all your need of the Holy Spirit, to renew, sanctify, and quicken your souls.  Then, I feel sure you will urge your children to pray for Him without ceasing, and never rest till He has come down into their hearts with power, and made them new creatures.
   
The Lord grant this, and then I have a good hope that you will indeed train up your children well, — train well for this life, and train well for the life to come; train well for earth, and train well for heaven; train them for God, for Christ, and for eternity.

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I don’t know about you but I have no greater burden than the eternal souls of my children…
I desire nothing more than they be fully alive in Christ, abandoned and wholly surrendered, head over heals in love with Him alone.
I am not burdened that they have all the pleasures of this world. I am not burdened by worries of paying for college tuition or making sure they are the coolest kids in town…
I am burdened only that I will fail in leading them to Christ. I am burdened only that I will not be a living example. I am burdened only that they will think that my life does not measure up with my words. I am burdened only that they will see my heart and claim me a hypocrite… and run from Christ and His church. This is my greatest fear, the burden that weighs heavy on my heart concerning my children… and not just my children from my womb, but my children in the Lord as well.  
I pray often that God would just remove me and let them only see Him. I pray often that God would bless my feeble efforts and make them what only He can make them… 
Oh precious one we are in this together… let us pray that in the name of Christ we will be the parents that God desires us to be… may we teach our children in our home and train them up in the way that they should go… that way being “the Way”
Jesus said to him,
“I am the way,
and the truth,
and the life;
no one comes to the Father
but through Me.”
John 14:6
  

Train Up A Child Day 16

So what about the day when you know you have poured the pure Word of God into the heart of your child and yet they run in the opposite direction. What about the day when you look at them and you question why you even bothered to invest so much time, energy, and prayers into their lives because they have thrown it all back up in your face. What about the day when you cry out to God because you can’t figure out where you went wrong…

What about that day?  

Train Up A Child Day Sixteen

16.  Train them remembering continually the promises of Scripture.
   
I name this also shortly, in order to guard you against discouragement.  You have a plain promise on your side, “Train up your child in the way he should go, and when he is old he shall not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6).  Think what it is to have a promise like this. 

Promises were the only lamp of hope which cheered the hearts of the patriarchs before the Bible was written.  Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, — all lived on a few promises, and prospered in their souls. 

Promises are the cordials which in every age have supported and strengthened the believer.  He that has got a plain text upon his side need never be cast down.  Fathers and mothers, when your hearts are failing, and ready to halt, look at the word of this text, and take comfort.
   
Think who it is that promises.  It is not the word of a man, who may lie or repent; it is the word of the King of kings, who never changes.  Hath He said a thing, and shall He not do it? Or hath He spoken, and shall He not make it good? Neither is anything too hard for Him to perform.  The things that are impossible with men are possible with God. 

Reader, if we get not the benefit of the promise we are dwelling upon, the fault is not in Him, but in ourselves.
   
Think, too, what the promise contains, before you refuse to take comfort from it.  It speaks of a certain time when good training shall especially bear fruit, — “when a child is old.” Surely there is comfort in this.  You may not see with your own eyes the result of careful training, but you know not what blessed fruits may not spring from it, long after you are dead and gone. 

It is not God’s way to give everything at once.  “Afterwards’ is the time when He often chooses to work, both in the things of nature and in the things of grace. “Afterward” is the season when affliction bears the peaceable fruit of righteousness (Heb. 12:11).  “Afterward” was the time when the son who refused to work in his father’s vineyard repented and went (Matt. 21:29).  And “afterward” is the time to which parents must look forward if they see not success at once, — you must sow in hope and plant in hope.
   
Cast thy bread upon the waters,” saith the Spirit, “for thou shalt find it after many days” (Eceles. 11:1).  Many children, I doubt not, shall rise up in the day of judgment, and bless their parents for good training, who never gave any signs of having profited by it during their parents’ lives. 

Go forward then in faith, and be sure that your labour shall not be altogether thrown away.  Three times did Elijah stretch himself upon the widow’s child before it revived.  Take example from him, and persevere.

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So what about that day?
On that day precious one… stand.
Stand on the promises of God.
Stand on the seed that you planted and pray for rain.
Trust that God is the one who reaps the harvest.
Walk by faith and not by sight.
Many times we selfishly want to see the results of all our efforts, but often it is not for us to see, lest we take credit for what belongs only to God…
All is for His glory.
So if your child is in rebellion, rebellion against you and rebellion against God and you know with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind that you trained them up in the way that they should go… that way being to walk in obedience to the Creator God, their Savior and Redeemer… then trust that you did not toil in vain.
Therefore, my beloved brethren,
be steadfast,
immovable,
always abounding in the work of the Lord,
knowing that your toil
is not in vain in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 15:58
holding fast the word of life,
so that in the day of Christ
I will have reason to glory
because I did not run in vain
nor toil in vain.
Philippians 2:16
You Mom…
and
You Dad…
Obey God… and leave the consequences to Him.

Train Up A Child Day 15

Oh no… not my child!
Never my child… they would never…
They know better… 
I have taught them better.
Surely I can trust them… 

Let me ask you… how well can you trust your own heart?

Train Up A Child Day Fifteen

15.  Train them.  remembering continually the power of sin.
   
I name this shortly, in order to guard you against unscriptural expectations.  You must not expect to find your children’s minds a sheet of pure white paper, and to have no trouble if you only use right means.  I warn you plainly you will find no such thing. 

It is painful to see how much corruption and evil there is in a young child’s heart, and how soon it begins to bear fruit.  Violent tempers, self- will, pride, envy, sullenness, passion, idleness, selfishness, deceit, cunning, falsehood, hypocrisy, a terrible aptness to learn what is bad, a painful slowness to learn what is good, a readiness to pretend anything in order to gain their own ends, — all these things, or some of them, you must be prepared to see, even in your own flesh and blood. In little ways they will creep out at a very early age; it is almost startling to observe how naturally they seem to spring up. 

Children require no schooling to learn to sin.
   
But you must not be discouraged and cast down by what you see. You must not think it a strange and unusual thing, that little hearts can be so full of sin.  It is the only portion which our father Adam left us; it is that fallen nature with which we come into the world; it is that inheritance which belongs to us all.

Let it rather make you more diligent in using every means which seem most likely, by God’s blessing, to counteract the mischief.  Let it make you more and more careful, so far as in you lies, to keep your children out of the way of temptation.
   
Never listen to those who tell you your children are good, and well brought up, and can be trusted.  Think rather that their hearts are always inflammable as tinder.  At their very best, they only want a spark to set their corruptions alight.  Parents are seldom too cautious.  Remember the natural depravity of your children, and take care.

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My parents will tell you this day that the worst thing they ever did was trust us girls.
And it’s true.
You see I was raised right.
In a wonderful loving home.
However I found trouble… then I went looking for it.
My parents were fairly strict compared to the parents of many of my friends. I thought they were ridiculously strict. So strict that I would lie and twist and omit information in order to get to do what I wanted. I was able to do this because my parents trusted me. You see I had learned to use their trust in me against them.
I can honestly tell you today that I wish my parents had not trusted me so much. I would rather have the stricter, less trusting parents, than the regrets I carry today. It wasn’t that I was a “bad person” I simply just did not understand the power of my sinful heart. I had not the knowledge or spiritual maturity to discern good and evil. I didn’t understand the evil until I was neck deep in the consequences.
What I have come to learn is that it’s not about whether or not I trust my children… it’s about being always fully aware of the pull of their sin nature and being fully aware that their hearts will lie to them just as quickly as my heart will lie to me.
I do not put myself in certain situations for the simple reason of guarding my heart, my mind, and my integrity… I have to teach my children to do that by my own example first and then while doing it for them until they understand how to do it themselves.
When I was first wholly surrendered I really thought that if I poured enough Scripture into them and then if I surrounded them with all the right friends, all would be great and wonderful… but here’s what I learned… I can’t trust the hearts of their friends either.
Having worked in the youth ministry… I heart-wrenchingly have come to learn that things are not always as they appear. I learned that the same church kids that gossiped and ridiculed me about my sin and yet never invited me to know Christ nor even invited me to church… were still alive and well in the church today.
I learned that the kids who had strong believing parents and were leaders in their youth group on Sunday’s and Wednesday’s were also still the leaders on Friday and Saturday night’s parties and the ones having sex outside of wedlock… even though I had myself poured my own brokenness from these actions into their ears.
I had an eye opening experience that I could not control them nor my own children through controlling their environment and by using the “just say no” campaign.
I thought that keeping my children in church would be enough… but I learned that it’s not. Because it’s not about today’s idea of ‘church’… it’s about their hearts. I have to teach my children to recognize the power of their sin nature and I have to teach my children that their hearts will deceive them. I have to teach them how to recognize the liar, the deceiver, the murderer of their souls. I have to teach them how to walk through the valley of the shadow of death… not live trying to keep them away from that valley… because I can’t. I have to teach my children not from the “if” but from the “when”.
So it shall be when all of these things have come upon you…
Deuteronomy 30:1
I can’t just put a set a blinders on them and say keep to the path.
I can’t just place them in a shark cage and say now you will not be attacked.
I can’t just strap on a safety harness and say now you will never fall.
I have to prepare them for what to do when the blinders come off and they stray to the left or the right and get lost in this life. I have to teach them the tools they will need to get back on the path. When the cage breaks and the sharks attack, I have to teach them how to defend themselves and how and where to go to find new shelter. I have to teach them how to get up when that safety harness malfunctions and they fall. If they are broken… they must know that forgiveness and healing is available.
I solemnly charge you
in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus,
who is to judge the living and the dead,
and by His appearing
and His kingdom: 
preach the word;
be ready in season and out of season;
reprove, rebuke, exhort,
with great patience and instruction
For the time will come
when they will not endure sound doctrine;
but wanting to have their ears tickled,
they will accumulate for themselves
teachers in accordance to their own desires,
2 Timothy 4:1-3
The time will come in most of our children’s lives that they will not endure your teaching any longer. They will seek out friends that tell them what they want to hear and will desire to go that way and not the way they have been taught… be ready.
For we do not want you to be unaware,
brethren, of our affliction
which came to us in Asia,
that we were burdened excessively,
beyond our strength,
so that we despaired even of life;
2 Corinthians 1:8
Be ready in season, when they hang on your every word and trust you completely, teach them truth.
Be ready out of season, when they think you are the most stupid people on the face of the earth who have no clue about their life or the world of today, teach them truth… “reprove, rebuke, exhort“… and do it with “great patience and instruction”. Yet do not yield to their sinful desires out of fear of losing them forever… obey God and trust Him with your children… remembering always that He loves them even more than you do.

Train Up A Child Day 14

Have you ever heard someone say, “do as I say not as I do”?
Perhaps you have used that phrase yourself…
How well has it worked out?

Train Up A Child Day Fourteen

14.  Train them remembering continually the influence; of your own example.
   
Instruction, and advice, and commands will profit little, unless they are backed up by the pattern of your own life.  Your children will never believe you are in earnest, and really wish them to obey you, so long as your actions contradict your counsel.

Archbishop Tillotson made a wise remark when he said, “To give children good instruction, and a bad example, is but beckoning to them with the head to show them the way to heaven, while we take them by the hand and lead them in the way to hell.”
   
We little know the force and power of example.  No one of us can live to himself in this world; we are always influencing those around us, in one way or another, either for good or for evil, either for God or for sin. — They see our ways, they mark our conduct, they observe our behaviour, and what they see us practise, that they may fairly suppose we think right.  And never, I believe, does example tell so powerfully as it does in the case of parents and children.
   
Fathers and mothers, do not forget that children learn more by the eye than they do by the ear.  No school will make such deep marks on character as home.  The best of schoolmasters will not imprint on their minds as much as they will pick up at your fireside.  Imitation is a far stronger principle with children than memory.  What they see has a much stronger effect on their minds than what they are told.
   
Take care, then, what you do before a child.  It is a true proverb, “Who sins before a child, sins double.” Strive rather to be a living epistle of Christ, such as your families can read, and that plainly too.  Be an example of reverence for the Word of God, reverence in prayer, reverence for means of grace, reverence for the Lord’s day. — Be an example in words, in temper, in diligence, in temperance, in faith, in charity, in kindness, in humility. 

Think not your children will practise what they do not see you do.  You are their model picture, and they will copy what you are.  Your reasoning and your lecturing, your wise commands and your good advice; all this they may not understand, but they can understand your life.
   
Children are very quick observers; very quick in seeing through some kinds of hypocrisy, very quick in finding out what you really think and feel, very quick in adopting all your ways and opinions.  You will often find as the father is, so is the son.
   
Remember the word that the conqueror Caesar always used to his soldiers in a battle.  He did not say “Go forward,” but “Come.” So it must be with you in training your children.  They will seldom learn habits which they see you despise, or walk in paths in which you do not walk yourself. 

He that preaches to his children what he does not practise, is working a work that never goes forward.  It is like the fabled web of Penelope of old, who wove all day, and unwove all night.  Even so, the parent who tries to train without setting a good example is building with one hand, and pulling down with the other.

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The simple fact is our children will do as we do… this is what they remember…
Our children and all others will always measure our words by our actions.

Do we honor with our lips while our hearts are far away?
True belief always results in matched behaviour.
We show we really believe when our lives line up with what we believe.

I recently taught a class on Spiritual Gifts… one weeks lesson was on leadership. As I have studied the Scriptures the Word of God is quite clear that leadership begins with being an example first. 

 Philip said to Him,
“Lord, show us the Father, and it is enough for us.” 
Jesus said to him,
“Have I been so long with you,
and yet you have not come to know Me, Philip?
He who has seen Me has seen the Father;
how can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 
Do you not believe that I am in the Father,
and the Father is in Me?
The words that I say to you I do not speak on My own initiative,
but the Father abiding in Me does His works. 
Believe Me that I am in the Father
and the Father is in Me;
otherwise believe because of the works themselves.
John 14:8-11
Here, when Philip questions Jesus’ words, Jesus calls him to look at His works. He reminds Him that he has been with Him, watching Him, observing Him, all this time. He tells him, if you are unsure about the reality and truth of My words look at My life… see that My actions testify that My words are true.
Do your actions testify to your children that your words are true?
Are you leading them by example?
If you haven’t been… start today.
Start now.

 

Train Up A Child Day 13

I have often heard the saying, “Well these kids didn’t come with an instructions manual on how to raise them…”
The truth is… well yes they did.
It’s called the Holy Bible.
Within the pages of this book is all we will ever need to know about how to raise our children… I love all the Dobson books and other ministry helps in raising children… but all you need is God’s book… the rest is just secondary and should never contradict God’s instructions in how to raise children.

Train Up A Child Day Thirteen  

13.  Train them remembering continually how God trains His children.
   
The Bible tells us that God has an elect people, — a family in this world.  All poor sinners who have been convinced of sin, and fled to Jesus for peace, make up that family.  All of us who really believe on Christ for salvation are its members. 

Now God the Father is ever training the members of this family for their everlasting abode with Him in heaven.  He acts as a husbandman pruning his vines, that they may bear more fruit.  He knows the character of each of us, — our besetting sins, — our weaknesses, — our peculiar infirmities, — our special wants. 

He knows our works and where we dwell, who are our companions in life, and what are our trials, what our temptations, and what are our privileges.  He knows all these things, and is ever ordering all for our good.  He allots to each of us, in His providence, the very things we need, in order to bear the most fruit, — as much of sunshine as we can stand, and as much of rain, — as much of bitter things as we can bear, and as much of sweet. 

Reader, if you would train your children wisely, mark well how God the Father trains His.  He doeth all things well; the plan which He adopts must be right.
   
See, then, how many things there are which God withholds from His children.  Few could be found, I suspect, among them who have not had desires which He has never been pleased to fulfil.  There has often been some one thing they wanted to attain, and yet there has always been some barrier to prevent attainment.  It has been just as if God was placing it above our reach, and saying, “This is not good for you; this must not be.” Moses desired exceedingly to cross over Jordan, and see the goodly land of promise; but you will remember his desire was never granted.
   
See, too, how often God leads His people by ways which seem dark and mysterious to our eyes.  We cannot see the meaning of all His dealings with us; we cannot see the reasonableness of the path in which our feet are treading. 

Sometimes so many trials have assailed us, — so many difficulties encompassed us, — that we have not been able to discover the needs-be of it all.  It has been just as if our Father was taking us by the hand into a dark place and saying, “Ask no questions, but follow Me.” There was a direct road from Egypt to Canaan, yet Israel was not led into it; but round, through the wilderness.  And this seemed hard at the time.  “The soul of the people,” we are told, “was much discouraged because of the way” (Exod. 13:17; Num. 21:4).
   
See, also, how often God chastens His people with trial and affliction.  He sends them crosses and disappointments; He lays them low with sickness; He strips them of property and friends; He changes them from one position to another; He visits them with things most hard to flesh and blood; and some of us have well- nigh fainted under the burdens laid upon us.  We have felt pressed beyond strength, and have been almost ready to murmur at the hand which chastened us.  Paul the Apostle had a thorn in the flesh appointed him, some bitter bodily trial, no doubt, though we know not exactly what it was.  But this we know, — he besought the Lord thrice that it might be removed; yet it was not taken away (2 Cor. 12:8,9).
   
Now, reader, notwithstanding all these things, did you ever hear of a single child of God who thought his Father did not treat him wisely? No, I am sure you never did.  God’s children would always tell you, in the long run, it was a blessed thing they did not have their own way, and that God had done far better for them than they could have done for themselves.  Yes! And they could tell you, too, that God’s dealings had provided more happiness for them than they ever would have obtained themselves, and that His way, however dark at times, was the way of pleasantness and the path of peace.
   
I ask you to lay to heart the lesson which God’s dealings with His people is meant to teach you.  Fear not to withhold from your child anything you think will do him harm, whatever his own wishes may be.  This is God’s plan.  Hesitate not to lay on him commands, of which he may not at present see the wisdom, and to guide him in ways which may not now seem reasonable to his mind.  This is God’s plan.
   
Shrink not from chastising and correcting him whenever you see his soul’s health requires it, however painful it may be to your feelings; and remember medicines for the mind must not be rejected because they are bitter.  This is God’s plan.
   
And be not afraid, above all, that such a plan of training will make your child unhappy.  I warn you against this delusion. Depend on it, there is no surer road to unhappiness than always having our own way.  To have our wills checked and denied is a blessed thing for us; it makes us value enjoyments when they come. To be indulged perpetually is the way to be made selfish; and selfish people and spoiled children, believe me, are seldom happy.
   
Reader, be not wiser than God; — train your children as He trains His.

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Oh my we live in a day of a plethora of information. The bookshelves are lined with books written by men and women who have their own opinion on how you should raise your children. Now even in the public school systems we have teachers and principles telling you how you should raise your children. They want you to drug them if they cause too much trouble and yet they don’t want you to bust their rear end. No, don’t discipline, just pop a pill.  (Please know that I understand in many case medication is needed and is very helpful and I believe if after prayer and consultation with your doctor, not a school teacher, that if your child needs meds by all means use them… you would not deny your child chemo if they had cancer so don’t deny them any other meds simply because of the stigmas or labels that might be attached to them.)
We have become a society that is so consumed with outward behavior and appearance that we have shut down the soul. We are living in a generation of adults who were raised by parents who thought they knew better than God… the Dr Spock generation. This was the beginning of millions of books telling you how to raise your children though they had never met you or your child…
Quite possibly there might be some good information in these child rearing books but all information needs to be weighed up against the plumb line of the Word of God. If it doesn’t line up it needs cast down and cast out.
Let God teach you how to raise your children. Raise them the way He raised His. Everything you will ever need to know, for any situation… it’s all there if you will let Him show you. He can’t wait to teach you and show you what to do. He wants to direct you in the truth. He wants you to be good, solid, wise, loving, patient, kind parents who raise strong healthy minded children.
Study the proverbs.
Study the way the parents recorded in Scripture responded to their children. See what pleased God and what dishonored God. God doesn’t hide the mistakes of His people. Learn from their mistakes. See what children succeeded and see who failed. Find out what each parent did, or didn’t do, that made the difference.
Lay all the other books aside, the ideas and interpretations of man, and pick up the Bible first, let all else be second. Trust God’s instructions no matter how hard they may seem to carry out… His ways are best. He knows what He is doing. Trust Him and let Him do it.
Always remember He loves your kids even more than you do.

Train Up A Child Day 12

This one is a good one…
This twelfth point is one that our entire nation is currently reaping the consequences…

Train Up A Child Day Twelve

12.  Train them with a constant fear of over-indulgence.
   
This is the one point of all on which you have most need to be on your guard.  It is natural to be tender and affectionate towards your own flesh and blood, and it is the excess of this very tenderness and affection which you have to fear.  Take heed that it does not make you blind to your children’s faults, and deaf to all advice about them.  Take heed lest it make you overlook bad conduct, rather than have the pain of inflicting punishment and correction.
   
I know well that punishment and correction are disagreeable things.  Nothing is more unpleasant than giving pain to those we love, and calling forth their tears.  But so long as hearts are what hearts are, it is vain to suppose, as a general rule, that children can ever be brought up without correction.
   
Spoiling is a very expressive word, and sadly full of meaning. Now it is the shortest way to spoil children to let them have their own way, — to allow them to do wrong and not to punish them for it.  Believe me, you must not do it, whatever pain it may cost you unless you wish to ruin your children’s souls.
   
You cannot say that Scripture does not speak expressly on this subject: “He that spareth his rod, hateth his son; but he that loveth him, chasteneth him betimes” (Prov. 13:24). “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (Prov. 19:18).  “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child: but the rod of correction shall drive it from him” (Prov. 22:15).  “Withhold not correction from the child, for if thou beatest him with the rod he shall not die.  Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell” (Prov. 23:13,14).  “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest, yea, he shall give delight to thy soul” (Prov. 29:15,17).
   
How strong and forcible are these texts! How melancholy is the fact, that in many Christian families they seem almost unknown! Their children need reproof, but it is hardly ever given; they need correction, but it is hardly ever employed.  And yet this book of Proverbs is not obsolete and unfit for Christians.  It is given by inspiration of God, and profitable.  It is given for our learning, even as the Epistles to the Romans and Ephesians. Surely the believer who brings up his children without attention to its counsel is making himself wise above that which is written, and greatly errs.
   
Fathers and mothers, I tell you plainly, if you never punish your children when they are in fault, you are doing them a grievous wrong.  I warn you, this is the rock on which the saints of God, in every age, have only too frequently made shipwreck. 

I would fain persuade you to be wise in time, and keep clear of it. See it in Eli’s case.  His sons Hophni and Phinehas “made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.” He gave them no more than a tame and lukewarm reproof, when he ought to have rebuked them sharply.  In one word, he honoured his sons above God. And what was the end of these things? He lived to hear of the death of both his sons in battle, and his own grey hairs were brought down with sorrow to the grave (1 Sam. 2:22-29, 3:13).
   
See, too, the case of David.  Who can read without pain the history of his children, and their sins? Amnon’s incest, — Absalom’s murder and proud rebellion, — Adonijah’s scheming ambition: truly these were grievous wounds for the man after God’s own heart to receive from his own house.  But was there no fault on his side? I fear there can be no doubt there was.  I find a clue to it all in the account of Adonijah in 1 Kings 1:6: “His father had not displeased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so?” There was the foundation of all the mischief.  David was an over-indulgent father, — a father who let his children have their own way, — and he reaped according as he had sown.
   
Parents, I beseech you, for your children’s sake, beware of over-indulgence.  I call on you to remember, it is your first duty to consult their real interests, and not their fancies and likings; — to train them, not to humour them — to profit, not merely to please.
   
You must not give way to every wish and caprice of your child’s mind, however much you may love him.  You must not let him suppose his will is to be everything, and that he has only to desire a thing and it will be done.  Do not, I pray you, make your children idols, lest God should take them away, and break your idol, just to convince you of your folly.
   
Learn to say “No” to your children.  Show them that you are able to refuse whatever you think is not fit for them. Show them that you are ready to punish disobedience, and that when you speak of punishment, you are not only ready to threaten, but also to perform.  Do not threaten too much.  Threatened folks, and threatened faults, live long.  Punish seldom, but really and in good earnest, — frequent and slight punishment is a wretched system indeed. 
   
Beware of letting small faults pass unnoticed under the idea “it is a little one.” There are no little things in training children; all are important.  Little weeds need plucking up as much as any.  Leave them alone, and they will soon be great.

Reader, if there be any point which deserves your attention, believe me, it is this one.  It is one that will give you trouble, I know.  But if you do not take trouble with your children when they are young, they will give you trouble when they are old. Choose which you prefer.

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I would love nothing more than to just give my children every thing that makes them smile at me and jump in my arms with elated excitement over their newest “yes” to whatever they have requested… but this is something that I just cannot do… no matter how much I want to.
It takes work and discipline as a parent to correct your children and to hold to your Word. Sometimes it is much easier to let them have their way… but easier is rarely the most beneficial.
One thing I learned as a parent early on was that when I punished my children I was also punishing me. It affected my life, my plans, my day, my schedule to discipline them accordingly. And yes I learned this parental punishment increases as they get older. But it must be done.
We were listening to the radio the other day and the radio hosts were talking about how kids know whose the “soft” parent and whose the “hard” parent… I looked at my Shelby and laughed and asked her what she thought and I knew what she would say… bless our kids hearts, but they don’t have a “soft” parent. Both my husband and I are pretty strict on obedience and we are on the same team always and our kids know it. We make the hard calls and we back each other up. No matter how much it hurts… Our children’s life and their future literally do depend on it.