Legalism vs Love

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We live in a day when we have a list of rules or steps that are supposedly guaranteed to solve all our problems. Just do this, this way, in this order, and sit back and watch the results. Life just doesn’t always fit into a list. How many times have you sat down in the morning or the night before and wrote out your “to do” list for the next day? How many times have you been able to accomplish it as written?

Today in our challenge we are going to talk about how to live lives of sexual and emotional integrity based on love not legalism.

Day Six

Our first look at legalism vs love: How far is too far?

As young women, we pushed the envelope while we were dating. Kissing on the first date was almost an expectation. Allowing him to go to first, second, or even third “base” was considered okay, as long as he couldn’t proclaim to his friends that he’d hit a “home run” with you. But all of this sexual activity during dating didn’t prepare us for true love, lifetime commitments, and faithful marriages as we thought it would. Instead, it prepared us to crave intensity and excitement that only a new relationship brings, causing us to be discontent once we marry and the relationship ages.

Because we never learned sexual self-control as single women (not just physical, but emotional, mental, and spiritual self-control), it seems extremely difficult to exercise it with the added stressors of two kids, a minivan, and a mortgage payment. How disappointing to discover that the wedding band placed on our finger didn’t change us at all!
~ Shannon Ethridge

If our question is “how far is too far?” Then you are living out of legalism not love. Love doesn’t seek to see how close it can get to getting it’s selfish desires fulfilled before it has crossed the line into whatever church, society, family, and friends has chosen is the line of sin.

Love does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, (1 Corinthians 13:5)

In Dannah Gresh’s book What Are You Waiting For, she shared how a young man had went to his youth minister to ask him how far was too far, the advice given by the youth minister, “Anything above the waist is okay.”

Hello?!?!? WHAT??? Anything above the waist?

Ladies let me share a little something with you.

 Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
As a loving hind and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
Be exhilarated always with her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19

Did you see it?

Let the wife of your youth satisfy, her breast, the young man is too be exhilarated with her love. Yes, my breast belong to my husband and no one else. My husband is to be satisfied in my breast. Your breast do not belong to him and they are not to be out on display to be seen by him.

Miss swimsuit issue girl, and playboy girl, and pro-football cheerleader girl, and music pop star, and silver screen movie girl, and young woman sitting in the Sunday school class and worship service with the cleavage hanging out, and young lady on Facebook, and young lady with the cell phone who cries out for attention through posting and texting inappropriate pics… those breast are to be for one man.

I was so very proud over the public stand of a young VS model who finally realized that she was damaging her marriage and others by what she was doing… and she was causing young men to stumble…

but whoever causes one of these little ones
who believe in Me to stumble,
 it would be better for him
to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck,
and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.
Matthew 18:6

She made her decision out of Christian love… not legalism… she chose to walk away and give her body back to her husband for his pleasure alone. I also loved that she did not condemn those who hadn’t followed her lead… yet. (I believe many will)

The majority of us do what we do and have done what we have done because we used the attention to fill a void in our heart… but this void can only be filled with Christ and can only be satisfied in Him and in obedience to Him through our love for Him.

Therefore, a list of laws about what women of integrity can and can’t wear, should and shouldn’t do and say, and so on, isn’t the answer…

The answer lies not in legalism but in Christian love.

~ Shannon Ethridge

How do we practically live this out? How do we learn to live by love instead of legalism?

All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable.
All things are lawful, but not all things edify. 
Let no one seek his own good, but that of his neighbor.
1 Corinthians 10:23-24

If we love God, love our neighbor, and love ourselves (in that order), then we can live far above any set of rules or regulations. We have freedom to live apart from any legalistic standards when we live by the spirit of love.
~ Shannon Ethridge

When we live our lives through the eyes of legalism, we have a list of rules to keep. We make our choices and decisions through looking at the rules instead of the person. Rules are stone and cold and you can’t hurt them, you can break them, but it doesn’t hurt the rules, it only hurts you.

However a person is not made of stone… if you break them it does hurt.

Here is a little comparison of ways we can ask ourselves questions as we seek “permission”. Look closely and see if you usually ask questions of compromise and if you do may we learn to instead ask questions of integrity.  

Questions of Compromise vs Questions of Integrity

Are my actions lawful?
Are my actions loving to others?

Will anyone find out?
Is this something I’d be proud of?

Would anyone condemn me?
Is this my highest standard?

Is this socially acceptable?
Is this in line with my convictions?

Are my clothes too revealing?
Am I dressing for attention?

How can I get away with saying this?
Would this be better left unsaid?

Will this hurt anyone?
Will this benefit others?

Yes, we live in a free country and we are free in Christ. But we are not to use our freedoms to enslave another, or to allow the enemy to take our freedoms and use them to destroy another.

If we want to gain the prize of sexual integrity, we may need to let go of some of our “freedoms” (in dress, thoughts, speech, and behavior) in order to serve the best interest of others out of love.

~ Shannon Ethridge

Yes, honey you have the “freedom” to wear that, to do that, to say that, to go there, to post that, to text that… but at what cost

Suddenly he follows her
As an ox goes to the slaughter,
Or as one in fetters to the discipline of a fool, 
Until an arrow pierces through his liver;
As a bird hastens to the snare,
So he does not know that it will cost him his life.
Proverbs 7:22-23

I can’t draw a line in the sand and say don’t cross that. That far is too far. That skirt is too short. That shirt is too low. That comment was too far. That post was too risque. That flirt was too far.

All I can tell you is to ask yourself what your motive is? What’s the why behind your actions. Is the why pleasing in His sight?

For a Christian woman, sexual and emotional integrity means that her thoughts, words, emotions and actions all reflect an inner beauty and a sincere love for God, others, and for herself. This doesn’t mean she is never tempted to think, say, feel, or do something inappropriate, but she tries diligently to resist these temptations and stands firm in her convictions. She doesn’t use men in an attempt to get her emotional cravings met, or entertain sexual or romantic fantasies about men she is not married to. She doesn’t compare her husband to other men, discounting his personal worth, and withholding a part of herself from him as punishment for his imperfections. She doesn’t dress to seek male attention, but she doesn’t limit herself to a wardrobe of ankle-length muu-muus, either. She may dress fashionably and look sharp or may even appear sexy (like beauty, sexy is in the eyes of the beholder), but her motivation isn’t self-seeking or seductive. She presents herself as an attractive woman because she knows she represents God to others.

~ Shannon Ethridge  

We are women. We have physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. All of these needs are meant to be met in Christ. We cannot manipulate men, whether it be our husband or not, to get our needs met. We must come to our Savior. He is jealous for us, He loves us, oh how He loves us. All we need is Him and in Him…