>Breaks My Heart

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This young lady has an absolutely amazing voice. My husband and I had just been discussing how strong of a little girl she appeared to be as we watched her. Yet her strength crumbled when she thinks she has lost her dream. The fact that she was eliminated is not what broke my heart. It’s a competition. Only one can win. Elimination is a possibility with each of them.

What broke my heart were her personal comments to the audience.
Her plea to the people.
This: “thank you for giving me this because without you I am nothing”

Oh my that hits me like a brick in the pit of my stomach when it comes from an adult but those words out of a young girl… yes it breaks my heart. I just want to run up there and cup her face in my hand and look through her eyes into her very soul and tell her that she cannot put her identity and hope and worth in the hands of fickle man. She is something to God and without Christ she is nothing. I want to tell her, oh precious child put your hope in God, put your faith in Christ- not your talent, not the praise of the people, not the hands of four people called judges for a tv show. 

In one of email devos this morning I read this quote:
One definition of “faith” is: Forsaking All, I Trust Him.
When we lose our faith in Jesus, instead of clinging to
God we find ourselves grasping for the things of the
world. Life is reduced to merely the physical world. So
we miss out on opportunities to experience the vitality of
a living relationship with God, which comes only by faith
(Hebrews 11:6).
~
Poh Fang Chia

The last thing I ever want as a parent, is to point my children to defining their worth according to the praise of people. I don’t want them to live for the next trophy, for the next award, for the next headline… just to be the best in the eyes of man and get something to stick on a shelf…

Yes I want my girls to have dreams, but I want there dreams to be in line with the will of God and His purpose for them, not their own personal ambition.

When tucking my Bekah in bed tonight she said, “Momma, I don’t know if Jesus wants me to be a vet or a doctor.”  She didn’t know what JESUS wanted her to be. It wasn’t a concern about who she wanted to be, but who HE wanted her to be.

Oh how I pray that truly that desire for His future, His plan, His way, is deeply ingrained in her heart so that she never stares into a camera and tells a sea of anonymous faces that she is nothing without them and their praise…

That no matter what this life brings in its ups and downs- and twists and turns- and highs and lows- and successes and failures- that she will know in the depth of her being that she is indeed nothing without Christ, but to Him- and in Him- and through Him- and with Him she is something, she is HIS and her life is for HIM and for HIS glory.

That is the desire of this mother’s heart for all my girls!
That is the desire of this woman’s heart for every child of God that I am able to have the opportunity to minister to in any way… let not this world define your identity or your worth.
Die to this world.
And live to Christ!

Oh how I hope against hope that this cry from little Rachel was a young child’s slip of the tongue in an emotional and distraught state and what she truly meant to say was to thank God and give her praise and love to Christ for this opportunity and that without Him she was nothing…

Until then I lift her up before the throne of grace and pray that Christ would capture her heart before it is devoured and twisted and darkened by the savage wolves that desire to rape her of her talent and gift to simply build their own kingdoms and enlarge their own storehouses and fatten their own pockets and then leave her standing alone on a dark stage an empty shell of a woman with a void that she has realized that no amount of money, praise, fame, power, drug, drink, or boy can fill.

May she be caught up in the grace of God.

Names of God – El Olam

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It’s time for another post in our Names of God series!

So far we have studied four of the names of God revealed to us in His Word.
We have seen how God is Creator God in the name Elohim.
We have seen how God is the Most High in the name El Elyon.
We have seen how God is the God who sees in the name El Roi.
We have also seen how our God is our all-sufficient Almighty God in the name El Shaddai.

Today we will learn about even more about our God as we dig into the name El Olam.

We first see this name of God in Genesis.

 Abraham planted a tamarisk tree at Beersheba,
and there he called on the name of the LORD,
the Everlasting God.

Genesis 21:33

Let us take a close and detailed look at this name of God revealed to us by Abraham in Beersheba. Everlasting God is El Olam in Hebrew— El meaning “strength, mighty,” especially the almighty; Olam meaning “eternity, always, ancient, everlasting, perpetual, beginning of the world, and without end.”

The Lord the God of eternal strength.
The God who is always mighty.
The God who is perpetually powerful.
The one who is the great, mighty one from the beginning of the world and is without end.

“Before the mountains were born
or You gave birth to the earth and the world,
even from everlasting to everlasting,
You are God”
Psalm 90:2

In Daniel we read how our Everlasting God, El Olam, is called the Ancient of the Days.

“I kept looking
Until thrones were set up,
And the Ancient of Days took His seat;

Daniel 7:9

In Revelation we read how He is the Alpha and the Omega

 “I am the Alpha and the Omega,”
says the Lord God,
“who is and who was and who is to come,
the Almighty.”
Revelation 1:8

and  how He is the first and the last

When I saw Him, I fell at His feet like a dead man.
And He placed His right hand on me, saying,
“Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last,
Revelation 1:17

In the book of John we read how He is before all things

In the beginning was the Word,
and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God. 
He was in the beginning with God. 
All things came into being through Him,
and apart from Him nothing came into being
that has come into being.
John 1:1-3

Oh precious one, are you shouting yet?

Is your chest filled with a hope that lifts up your spirit within you and makes you stand a little a taller, a little straighter, with your shoulders a little stronger as you remember who your God is? He is our perpetual power, our eternal strength. He is always mighty. There is no situation or circumstance in all of history, in our current present, or in days future that He is not in total and complete control of and more powerful than. He is the Everlasting God!

We read in Genesis that when Abraham called on this name of God he planted a tamarisk tree. This tamarisk tree is an evergreen.

These trees grow tall, and they are strong. They are able to tolerate conditions that destroy other trees. Their roots are able to reach deep into the soil and bring up the salt and water that is needed to sustain its life. By doing this, it is able to eliminate the competition of other plants in its area. This tree is spread from one place to another by cuttings.

When you receive Christ as your Savior you are cut out. You are made separate from the world, possibly even from family and friends. So why has God not also removed you from all your problems? Why has He not destroyed all these false gods and false teachers around you? Why do you still face all these temptations of life?

God cut Abraham from his home and from his family. He also cut him from the false gods he worshiped. He, however, did not remove Abraham from the world or blind him to the temptations of this world. God did not have to because He knew that the deep-rooted life that He would give Abraham would destroy all competition of all other gods and any temptation he might face.

Oh precious one, He wants you to see that He is greater! He will outlive all this temporary crap! He is what lasts! He is forever and ever and ever and ever and ever!

Blessed be the LORD,
the God of Israel,
From everlasting to everlasting.
Amen and Amen.
Psalm 41:13

>Suffering Saves

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Behold, I have heard
that there is grain in Egypt;
go down there
and buy some for us from that place,
so that we may live and not die.
Genesis 42:2
 
Jacob and his eleven sons and their families need food in this famine. Jacob sends his sons—all but Benjamin— toEgypt. Oh, what a surprise it will be when they learn that the very one they wanted to rid themselves of is the only one who can give them life.
 
My friend, what a surprise it will be when those descendants of Israelwho have so wanted to get rid of Jesus discover that the very Jesus they have been trying to rid themselves of is the only One who can save them. In Acts 2:36 we read, “Therefore let all the house of Israel know for certain that God has made Him both Lord and Christ—this Jesus whom you crucified.”
 
Paul explains to us in Romans 11 that God has placed a partial hardening over His people so that the nation does not recognize Jesus for who He truly is, but the day is coming when the hardening will be removed. Then all ofIsrael will be saved.
 
They will recognize Him and they will worship Him. They will mourn when this realization hits, but still they will praise Jesus as the Messiah. They will know Him as Lord and King.
 
As Jacob said, “Behold, I have heard there is grain in Egypt,” Israel will say, “Behold, I have heard that there is life in Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:17). They will say, we have heard that He is the true bread that comes down out of heaven and whoever eats this bread lives forever (John 6).
 
In Zechariah 12:10 we read, “They will look on Me whom they have pierced; and they will mourn for Him.” We can read on in Zechariah 13:6 that “one will say to him, ‘What are these wounds between your arms?’ Then He will say, “Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.”
 
Yes, Jesus was wounded by those who once claimed to love Him. He was not turned over to the cross by the Gentiles but by His own people. Yet it was for God’s purpose. Had the nation ofIsraelrecognized Jesus for who He truly was, then they would never have sent Him to the cross, and it is only by the cross of Christ that we may all be saved, Jew and Gentile.
 
If Joseph’s brothers had recognized him for who he was going to be, then they would not have sold him as a slave. Yet by the suffering Joseph received from his brothers, he was not only able to give them life, but he was able to give life to the world.
 
So are we to hate Joseph’s brothers for their ignorance?
 
Joseph, the one they sinned against, did not hate them. Joseph saw the big picture. He knew that God was in control, even when he didn’t completely understand. Joseph never stopped loving his brothers.
 
My friend, Jesus does not hate those who put Him on the cross. He has never stopped loving them. It was His great love for them, for us, that led Him to that cross and held Him to that cross. Sin was what threw Joseph in that pit. Sin was what sold him as a slave, and it was sin that sent him to prison. The same is true of the cross. Sin—mine, yours, and the world’s—sent Jesus to the cross.
 
Oh, precious one, do you hear?
Do you hear that He provides for His own in ways that we cannot even fathom?
 
Have you heard that the nation of Israelwould have perished before the nation could have ever begun had it not been for her God, who sent Joseph ahead of her to Egypt, and not just Israel, but the nations of the world? Here we are, and here is the whole world dying in our sins, yet there is a way. Have you heard there is the way (John 14:6)?
 
Oh yes, Jesus is the way!
He who has ears to hear, let him hear.
 
Oh Father,
 
I hear that Christ died for my sins, according to the Scriptures. I hear that He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures. I hear that He appeared to many (1 Corinthians 15:1–6). Oh Father, I hear and I believe! This gospel, this good news, that was promised beforehand through Your prophets and in the Holy Scriptures (Romans 1:2), this truth so displayed through the book of Genesis and in the life of Joseph, oh Father, I believe. My Jesus, I believe that You are God and You are my Savior. I love You and I thank You.
 
My Jesus, it is in Your name I pray,
Amen.

>Got Grace?

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“That’s it, Job! It’s your arrogance!” Eliphaz backs away and stares at him with that glare, saying, again, “You are getting exactly what you deserve!”
The style of communication Eliphaz employs is not that unusual to those who lack grace. It may not always be this brutal, but haven’t you noticed this tone when you’re around people who evidence no grace?
When you’re down, they kick you.
When you’re drowning, they pull you under.
When you’re confused, they complicate your life.
And when you’re almost finished, they write you off.
Other than that, they’re pretty good folks.
~ Swindoll
 
One thing that I have learned in this walk with Christ, is that the two best places to learn how to love your enemy is in your family and in your church. It also is the two best places to learn how to give and receive grace. 
 
You see I have met Eliphaz.
I have even looked at Eliphaz in the mirror staring back at me with stubborn defiance.
 
I have learned that the hardest time to give grace comes when it is to be appropriated to someone I know should know better… to someone I have helped over and over… to someone I have loved hard and long.
 
If we remember the context, this Eliphaz was Job’s friend. He was close enough to him that he felt he needed to be there for him physically. He was the friend who was close enough to show up. Yet, his words brought Job no comfort… because they came without grace.
Yes I know Eliphaz. I have met him. I have been him.
 
I remember when I first became wholly surrendered I began studying the Word like crazy and I still study it like crazy… would love nothing more than to just sit and study the Word and write about the Word and teach the Word from daylight to dark but for some reason the people in this house want to spend time with me and eat food and wear clean clothes and stuff like that.

(I mean really the nerve of some people, lol).

 
So as I grew in my knowledge, I grew in my arrogance. When I would hear of someone in a hurt or struggle I would think “well, if they would just do what God says right here then they would not be in that mess” 
I truly believe the only thing that kept me from saying some of the things I thought was because in all honesty I truly believed that I went through my sins and the struggles of my youth simply because I was ignorant of God’s Word, so I had little grace for those who were supposed to “know better”.
 
Mercy was not my gift… yet God would teach me.
 
You see I had mercy and grace galore for those who did not know better, but those that I thought should know better… well, go on and suffer the consequences of disobedience.
 
You see, I would look at them and think how I thought I would have made such different choices had I been where they were, knowing what I know now, then.
And what I have learned is that really it boiled down that my heart hurt that they would choose not to do what I so wished I could have and would have done… 
 
I am grateful that God has chosen to teach me grace through His word as well as through personal life experiences… I love learning to see life through His eyes and not my own… my eyesight has never been that good to begin with.
 
So Eliphaz is out there…
He might even be staring at you in the mirror…
He may only show up at certain times and with certain situations or people…
But here’s the thing… 
This Eliphaz who shows no grace, speaks no grace, needs grace.
Yep that’s right, he needs the grace that he doesn’t yet know how to give. 
 
So not only is God teaching me to give grace to those who are struggling and hurting whether it be just life or consequences of sin or bad decisions, He is also teaching me to give grace to those who have none of their own. Because as my Pastor said once they just need more knowledge of God. And not just knowledge in knowledge, but knowledge of God and His Christ…
 
Grace and peace be multiplied to you
in the knowledge of God
and of Jesus our Lord;
2 Peter 1:2
 
I’m left with one thought: “Lord, if you are teaching us anything through Job’s endurance, teach us the value of grace. Teach us about demonstrating grace. Show us again that grace is always appropriate. Always needed.
The person sitting near you in church next Sunday, the lady pushing that cart in the grocery store, the one who’s putting gas in his car at the next pump, the man behind you at the movies, waiting to buy his ticket, the student across from you at school. You have no idea what that person is going through. If you did, chances are you’d be prompted to show grace or to say a few encouraging words even quicker. Remember this please: grace is always appropriate, always needed!
“Amazing grace—how sweet the sound!”
~ Swindoll
 
So precious one… Got Grace?
Have you got it to give?
Are you willing to give it to those that ain’t got it and don’t give it?
but grow in the grace and knowledge
of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
To Him be the glory,
both now and to the day of eternity.
Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

 
 
 
  

My Body

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I found this in my posts that I never actually posted… think I’ll post it now 🙂

So I have been reading and reading and soaking in the words of wisdom found in The Pursuit of God by AW Tozer… and well I have finished it and I suppose I shall finally return it to the library and pray that some other soul chooses to take it home and be enlightened by these words of exhortation.

The last chapter is titled The Sacrament of Living which is based from 1 Corinthians 10:31 

Whether, then, you eat or drink
or whatever you do,
do all to the glory of God.
Tozer writes:

One of the greatest hindrances to internal peace which the Christian encounters is the common habit of dividing our lives into two areas, the sacred and the secular.

As these areas are conceived to exist apart from each other and to be morally and spiritually incompatible, and as we are compelled by the necessities of living to be always crossing back and forth from the one to the other, our inner lives tend to break up so that we live a divided instead of a unified life.

He goes on to write:

This tends to divide our total life into two departments. We come unconsciously to recognize two sets of actions. The first are performed with a feeling of satisfaction and a firm assurance that they are pleasing to God. These are the sacred acts and they are usually thought to be prayer, Bible reading, hymn singing, church attendance and such other acts as spring directly from faith. They may be known by the fact that they have no direct relation to this world, and would have no meaning whatever except as faith shows us another world, “an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.”

Over against these sacred acts are the secular ones. They include all of the ordinary activities of life which we share with the sons and daughters of Adam: eating, sleeping, working, looking after the needs of the body and performing our dull and prosaic duties here on earth. These we often do reluctantly and with many misgivings, often apologizing to God for what we consider a waste of time and strength.

He also shares:

This is the old sacred-secular antithesis. Most Christians are caught in its trap. They cannot get a satisfactory adjustment between the claims of the two worlds. They try to walk the tight rope between two kingdoms and they find no peace in either. Their strength is reduced, their outlook confused and their joy taken from them.

I believe this state of affairs to be wholly unnecessary. We have gotten ourselves on the horns of a dilemma, true enough, but the dilemma is not real. It is a creature of misunderstanding. The sacred-secular antithesis has no foundation in the New Testament. Without doubt a more perfect understanding of Christian truth will deliver us from it.

The Lord Jesus Christ Himself is our perfect example, and He knew no divided life.

And he goes on to write:

That monkish hatred of the body which figures so prominently in the works of certain early devotional writers is wholly without support in the Word of God. Common modesty is found in the Sacred Scriptures, it is true, but never prudery or a false sense of shame.

The New Testament accepts as a matter of course that in His incarnation our Lord took upon Him a real human body, and no effort is made to steer around the downright implications of such a fact. He lived in that body here among men and never once performed a non-sacred act.

His presence in human flesh sweeps away forever the evil notion that there is about the human body something innately offensive to the Deity. God created our bodies, and we do not offend Him by placing the responsibility where it belongs. He is not ashamed of the work of His own hands.

And then he writes:

We need no more be ashamed of our body–the fleshly servant that carries us through life–than Jesus was of the humble beast upon which He rode into Jerusalem. “The Lord hath need of him” may well apply to our mortal bodies. If Christ dwells in us we may bear about the Lord of glory as the little beast did of old and give occasion to the multitudes to cry, “Hosanna in the highest.”

That we see this truth is not enough. If we would escape from the toils of the sacred-secular dilemma the truth must “run in our blood” and condition the complexion of our thoughts. We must practice living to the glory of God, actually and determinedly.

By meditation upon this truth, by talking it over with God often in our prayers, by recalling it to our minds frequently as we move about among men, a sense of its wondrous meaning will begin to take hold of us. The old painful duality will go down before a restful unity of life. The knowledge that we are all God’s, that He has received all and rejected nothing, will unify our inner lives and make everything sacred to us.

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Wow…
God is not ashamed of my body.
Not ashamed.
He is not ashamed of the work of His hands.
He formed me.
I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
God is not looking upon me in this flesh of mine with disgust.
How often I forget that.
How often I even pray for the day that I can worship Him apart from this flesh that I have come to hate.
This flesh that God loves.

I find disgust with my body.
I look with disgust upon this flesh of mine.

But quite possibly my Creator does not…

This body, this flesh, that I find myself cringing in shame over at times…
My Creator created fearfully and wonderfully…
And this He wrote after sin entered the world.
This He spoke through the pen of David…
It is God who said He was ruddy and handsome.
It was God who said Esther was beautiful of form and face.
This He said while they were in their sin sick flesh…

I think of my children, those I love, there is no deformity of body horrid enough that I would not desire to wrap my arms around them and pull them close up to my chest and hold them with all my heart and tell them that I love them… God loves me in the sickness and defomity of this wretched flesh no less.

This body He gave me to do His will.
It will serve His purpose.
It will carry me through this life and into His glorious presence.
Of this body I should not be ashamed.

God did not design this body of His to be a split personality. It was not meant to be categorized as sacred or secular… all of it was created for the sacred.

Everything that I do is to be an act of worship to my God at all times.
We are not to divide up our lives… Christ unites.
I am not to feel condemnation because the work I am called to do consumes my day and leaves me weighing the scales of secular vs sacred deeds to find me ashamed with my head hung down because my scale is heavy on what I deem the wrong side…
I have even found myself guilty over the desire that my body has to sleep. Feeling this time wasted… what could I accomplish if this body just did not grow tired, weak, and sick.
Yet God is not ashamed.
All things are His, the works of His hands.
Did I honor Him in my deeds?
Did I honor Him with my body?
Did I speak with Him during my toil?
Did I seek Him for guidance with the business of the day?
Did I do my work with honesty and integrity?
Did I represent Him well where I was at?
Then my work was sacred, done as unto the Lord.
Let every man abide in the calling wherein he is called and his work will be as sacred as the work of the ministry. It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it.
The motive is everything.
Of course this does not mean that I throw out the Word, prayer, or the assembly… it means that all these flow into every aspect of my life and body.
Whether, then, you eat or drink
or whatever you do,
do all to the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31 

>Are You Hungry?

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Go to Joseph,
whatever he says to you, you shall do …
The peoples of all the earth came to Egypt
to buy grain from Joseph,
because the famine was severe in all the earth.
Genesis 41:55, 57
 
Pharaoh gave instructions to the people to obey Joseph. If the people were to live, they were to obey Joseph. All the peoples of the earth came toEgyptto buy grain from him—not just Egyptians, but all peoples.
 
The storehouses were built and filled by the Egyptians. The grain in them was offered to them first. As the famine went on, word spread about the grain inEgyptand all peoples began to come. None were turned away if they had the money to pay. The people sold all they had, including their lands and even themselves, in order to buy this grain.
 
The famine was severe in all the earth in this day of Joseph, and it is severe today. The famine of sin, the drought of depression and sickness.
The starvation of souls is rampant upon the earth.
 
Just as God made the way for Joseph to supply grain to all who hungered and came to him, God has made the way for us. In Matthew 17:5, God speaks on behalf of Christ and says, “This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well-pleased; listen to Him!” The Word tells us in John 3:36, “He who believes in the Son has eternal life; but he who does not obey the Son will not see life.” Just as Pharoah said, “Go to Joseph, whatever he says to you, you shall do” (Genesis 41:55), so God has told us to go to Jesus, and whatever He says, we are to do.
 
Oh, precious one, Jesus says He is the way, the truth, and the life and no one comes to the Father except through Him (John 14:6). He tells us in John 6:35, “I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger.” He says that the one that comes to Him will certainly not be cast out (John 6:37).
 
Jesus came to the Jews first, but just as Joseph’s grain was available to all peoples, so His gift of life is offered and available to all, “for you were slain and purchased for God with your blood men from every tribe and tongue and people and nation” (Revelation 5:9).
 
Joseph’s grain required a payment, but Jesus Himself covered the cost of His grain. He knew we could never pay the price. We could not even sell ourselves, for we were already slaves to another.
 
We were slaves to sin and we owed sin its wage, but when we come to Jesus, He pays off our sin debt and then He offers us the free gift of God, which is eternal life in Him. His bread is free to all who come. We may be in the midst of a severe famine, but in Christ and through Christ our every need will be supplied.
 
Are you suffering in sin?
Come to Christ.
 
Are you suffering in depression?
Do you have conflicts without and fears within?
Then come to Christ, to God
“who comforts the depressed” (2 Corinthians 7:6).
 
Oh, precious one, do you know those who are starving?
Have you offered them some bread?
Have you told them where they can go to be fed?
 
Oh Father,
 
Thank You for Your grain of salvation. Jesus, thank You for this bread. My soul was starving, and I came to You and I did eat and I am satisfied. My soul is full and overflowing. You give me each day my daily bread (Matthew 6:11). You are my constant supply; Your compassions are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22–23) “How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You to dwell in Your courts. We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Your holy temple” (Psalm 65:4). Oh I praise You, my Lord and my God.
 
In Jesus’ name I pray,
Amen.

A Salvation Experience

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On November 9th in the year 1992, at the age of 15, I wrote the following as someone who thought she knew the Lord. I had believed Jesus was who He said He was. I had believed I was indeed a sinner, just like He said I was. I had confessed all this and been baptized three years prior:

“Image”

Depression lingers on my soul
I’m falling deep, too deep under his control
I don’t understand my actions
I’m hurt, I’m scared, I’m shattered
I’m reaching for fulfillment in the wrong places
I’m turning to all the wrong faces
Help me Lord to straighten my life
Help me to handle these strifes
Words come out of my mouth I don’t mean
Obscenities, temptations, even in my dreams
If I don’t turn around now there’s no telling how far I’d go
Straight to hell, more than likely, as far as I know
Help me Lord to withstand the temptations
Help me to fight these implications
I want to get drunk, get high, get laid
Yet all of these things I look upon with disdain
I feel fat, ugly, inferior, and rejected
Are these true or do I stand corrected?
Help me Lord to see a portrait of myself
Am I really worthless or of some importance?
Help me Lord I need to know
Help me I need you so.

Two years later on October 2nd in the year 1997, at the age of 17, I wrote the following:

“The Battle”

Strange and indescribable feelings float through my heart and soul
Are they feelings of guilt, of needing to change my life?
I really don’t know
They only come to me at night,
When it’s time to turn out the lights,
When you stop to think,
When you analyze your life,
When you think of the future,
When you wonder what’s in store.
They feel sort of like nervous butterflies fluttering around in my gut.
It bothers me because I can’t figure out what they’re for.
They come to me often.
They have for years.
Making me feel uncomfortable and scared to fall asleep.
Scared because it’s a feeling like the end.
A feeling like I won’t awake.
Like this is my last night on earth,
Yet so far I always do.
Should I worry about these feelings,
Take them as a premonition,
Or do I just ignore?
They feel as if they are my demons
That have seeped into my soul.
Yet they feel as if they are the Lord
Trying to save my soul.
Possibly it is a battle,
A battle between the two,
That has been raging through my conscience
That has always been at war,
Each one fighting for control.
One fighting for truth and good,
The other for the evils that I can do.
Each one trying to pull me his way
Yet it seems between them I sway.
Once wanting to live right and mend and stop my mistakes
Then doing the wrong without it bothering me at all
Not at all until these feelings come
Making me stop and review
Making me want to slap myself for the stupid things I do.
When I am alone I apologize for my sins
Seeing them as wrong and knowing this completely
Yet each time I step outside and enter the world
I push these apologies aside
And do again what I’ve begged forgiveness for.
I don’t believe I’ll ever understand
I don’t think I’ll ever get control
I feel as if I will always be at war.
I guess I need more strength
I need more room to grow
I need more self-respect
I need myself to get to know
I must decide what’s important
And get rid of what needs to go.

I wrote these poems having never read the book of Romans. If you read the struggle the one called “I” is going through in Romans 7:14-24, you will see that it is the exact struggle that I was going through. That I continued to go through until December 9th 2001.

You see just like this “I”, I was still in bondage to sin (Rom 7:14). I didn’t understand why I wanted to do good but couldn’t, and why I didn’t want to do evil, but couldn’t stop myself (Rom 7:15).

I hated myself.

Like this “I” in Romans 7:22, I knew that the Law of God was good and that I needed to be living according to it, but no matter what I did I could not do it. No matter how many times I “rededicated” my life, I still was a prisoner to the law of sin (Rom 7:23).

You see I was still trying to earn my way to God. I was still trying to obey the Law to be righteous. I was trying to do what the preacher told me to do. I said my prayer. I did the baptism. I followed my religions rules.

I did the works, but oh precious one, works without faith is dead (James 2:26).

You see this whole journey had always focused on me. My hurts, my failures, my wrongs, my sins, it was always about the fear of hell, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of not measuring up.

Oh but precious one, God had me, He never gave up on me.

You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit...
John 15:16

In my last poem I wrote that I needed “myself to get to know”, and that’s exactly what God was doing. He was letting me see myself for who I really was. A slave to sin.

The whole time I kept calling out to Him, and the whole time He kept drawing me unto Himself. Then one day it finally hit me. Listening to the testimony of a godly woman it hit me. It wasn’t just about my sins, it wasn’t just about getting rid of guilt, it was about Him. It was about turning away from anything that would keep me from Him, even if that meant my very self.

Suddenly nothing else mattered but HIM.

I wanted nothing but to know HIM and to be known by HIM. I didn’t care if I had a “perfect” life. I just wanted to be with God. I just wanted to hear HIS voice. To feel His presence. And at that moment I did! At that moment He revived me. At that moment HIS very presence completely overwhelmed me and I finally understood what it meant to become a new creation in Christ, the moment I died, I became alive, in Him!

It was at this moment I was wholly surrendered!

Here’s a poem I wrote on July 1st, in the year 2003, 2 years after becoming free:

“Independence Day”

Once a slave in bondage
Captivated by sin
Once a puppet controlled
by the evil within
Once defeated, beat down,
by choices made
Once weak, once weary
intimidated, afraid
Once ashamed, and disgraced
and doomed to die
Once dead in my sin
Now brought to life!
Glory, hallelujah, praises to His name
Glory, hallelujah, it’s Independence Day!
The battle is over
the Victory is won
I now have freedom
by faith in the Son
The shackles are loosed
Christ tore them away
No longer controlled, no longer a slave
No longer defeated, No longer abhorred
For greater is He that is in me
Than he that is in the world
Glory, hallelujah, praises to His name
Glory, hallelujah, it’s Independence Day
Free at last, free at last
Thank God Almighty I am free at last
Free to sing, free to dance
Free from the pain of mistakes of the past
No more shame, no more fear
no more emptiness within
No more bitterness, no more hate
I am filled by HIM
I saw the Light at the cross
I fell at His feet
I gave Him all my burdens
He allowed me to weep
I cried out all my fear
I cried out all my sins
He gave me forgiveness
He gave me a new chance to begin
Glory, hallelujah, praises to His name
Glory, hallelujah, it’s Independence Day!
In Christ is our freedom
In Jesus is our peace
From lasting to everlasting
From the west to the east
From mountain to valley
From sea to shining sea
I live, I live!

Because Jesus died for me.

>Hope Held Overcomes

>

So Pharaoh said to Joseph,
“Since God has informed you of all this,
there is no one so discerning
and wise as you are.
You shall be over my house,
and according to your command
all my people shall do homage;
only in the throne I will be greater than you.”
Genesis 41:39–40
 
The truth of the Word of God and His omniscience and omnipotence never ceases to amaze. As that young man who was thrown into a pit by his brothers and then sold as a slave into a foreign land, would Joseph have ever thought that he would be hearing these words of Pharaoh addressed to him?
 
In 1 Corinthians 2:9 we read that, “Eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him.” Even more so, could Joseph have ever imagined the fact that God was using the story of his life to foreshadow the truth of the coming Messiah?
 
The Pharaoh of Egypt hands all rule over to Joseph. In Matthew 28:18 Jesus says, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.” Ephesians 1:20–23 tells us that Jesus Christ has been set far above all rule and authority and power and dominion and all things and all peoples are in subjection under him. Pharoah told Joseph that it would be only in the throne that he would be greater.
 
In John 14:28, Jesus is speaking to eleven of the disciples (Judas Iscariot has gone out from them), and He tells them, “If you loved Me, you would have rejoiced because I go to the Father, for the Father is greater than I.” Many have taken this verse and used it to diminish the deity of Jesus Christ. Let me take this opportunity to explain:
 
We read in Philippians 2:6–7 that although Jesus existed in the form of God, He did not regard equality with God a thing to hold on to. He willingly emptied Himself and took on the likeness of man. Now in this likeness of man, Jesus has positioned Himself under the authority of the throne of God. So while Jesus was on this earth, the Father was greater than Him in position. This never diminshed the deity of Christ.
 
He was and is and always will be God.
 
Jesus is the One of the Trinity that we were able to see and touch. He is the One who walked among us. His walking among us never diminished His dominion over us. “For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form” (Colossians 2:9).
 
Joseph walked among the people in a way that Pharoah could not, yet this never diminished his authority over the people. Just as Pharaoh placed Joseph over all ofEgypt, so has God placed Jesus over all the earth.
 
Jesus was with God and is God; He was and is “faithful as a Son over His house, whose house we are, if we hold fast our confidence and the boast of our hope firm until the end” (Hebrews 3:6). Joseph held firm his hope in God no matter what life threw his way, and great was his reward.
 
Oh, precious one, we cannot even fathom what God has planned for us.
 
In Jeremiah 29:11 we read, “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”
 
Jesus tells us in Revelation 3:21, “He who overcomes, I will grant him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne.”
 
The question is, my dear friend, will you be one who overcomes?
 
Oh Father,
 
Your Word tells me that I have a hope: “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil” (Hebrews 6:19); this hope is Jesus Christ. In Christ I have a future, and in Christ I have hope. In Christ I can hold on to my confidence because my confidence is Him and my confidence is Your Word, which never fails. Oh Father, that I would not be one who allows the circumstances of life to cause me to shrink back to destruction, but that I would endure all things and persevere through all trials because You are faithful and You are worthy. Oh Father, help me to overcome.
 
My Jesus, it is in Your name I pray,
Amen.

Victory

confessions

Victory comes in different forms.
I experienced victory today.

Today at the Author Expo I sat there with my mother for four hours and sold zero books.
Yep that’s right.
A big fat goose egg of a zero.

So how did selling zero books after smiling at strangers and handing out business cards and book info cards for four hours result in being an experience in victory?

My response to selling zero books.
That’s how 🙂

Probably no less than six months ago, driving over an hour, to sit for four hours, and sell zero books, and then spend over another hour driving back home, would have resulted in my very own pit of despair. Oh the slump of my shoulders would have been great as it matched the sagging slouch in my back as my face fell heavy and my smile diminished in my distraught state of doubt and confusion and frustration. By this time I would have told myself how foolish and just plain silly I was for thinking anyone would want to read anything by me.

I would be wollering in self-pity and pouring into my spiral notebook pages of all my “why’s” and “how come’s” to God. My wide-ruled page lines would be bleeding blue because of the wetness of my tears as I sobbed my drama queen fit out in written words to a God I am thankful is willing to not strike me dead for my way too often and too easily come over-reactions.

However this was not my responce today…
Today was victory!
No self-pity!
No wallowing in tears or blue bleedings from blubberings!

I sit here now and I am good and I am perfectly at peace.

I had a wonderful day with my mother.
I met some pretty interesting people.

And I don’t have to worry about whether or not I should order some more books to have on hand because I still got plenty.

My God is good.
My God is not going to let all that He has put within me die.
It is His word that He has put within me and His word endures forever.

The grass withers, the flower fades,
But the word of our God stands forever.
Isaiah 40:8

He will accomplish what He started in me. Though I may presently remain clueless as too what exactly He has started in me… 🙂

The LORD will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.
Psalm 138:8
My God is good.
This I know full well.
So when up at 5am on a Saturday plus driving over an hour to sell zero books equals it still being well with my soul… Well this most definitely clearly means victory experienced!I hope maybe, just maybe, the Holy Trinity is up there looking down on me and saying Awww look, I think she might actually be growing up, look at our baby girl, you know just six months ago this little trial would have sent her over the edge and she would have been pouting for a week… but look at her now, yep our baby girl is finally starting to grow up…;-)  

Do Dreams Die

confessions

Today I am up at 5am and about to jump in the shower and head to Birmingham AL with my Mom to attend the local author expo. I will be taking the last box of Devotions From Genesis that I have in my possession. It might be the last box ever…

The dream I had, the calling I thought I had received from God, was to write a devotional study through the Torah. Something that was manageable to anyone at any point in their walk with Christ, even someone who hadn’t yet began that walk… to introduce Him to them from the beginning. My desire is for people to see that the life of Christ did not begin in that manger. My dream was that God would use this series of devotionals to do that in the lives of His people.

My dream has began to die… as I had dreamed that by now I would have sold enough copies of the first book to pay for the publishing of the one I have been approved to publish… but sits in My Documents waiting.

I don’t know if there is any more disappointing feeling than to realize that maybe you heard God wrong…

If I had not have had such an overwhelming assurity that this was His leading, His Spirit driving me, working in and through me…

Oh me the “I don’t know’s” of life can be so terribly frustrating.

Yet, today I am off to the expo.
I am looking forward to a wonderful day meeting other author’s and hopefully selling a few books.

But most of all I am looking forward to a fun day with the woman who shared her love of books and reading with me and always told me how wonderful my writing was, even when it was written in crayon with backward letters and every attempted word misspelled 🙂

The woman who will never let my dreams die because I will always be able to see them living in her eyes.

So whose dreams are living in your eyes?

I think of my own girls…
My husband…

Can they see their dreams living in my eyes?

Because sometimes dreams that appear to be dying are not dying at all… only changing in form… yet they remain the same dream 🙂